When you think of God, are you filled with fear and dread?
Until recently, my relationship with Him was not full. I think the problem was that I viewed God as a harsh disciplinarian who would only love me if I imitated Him perfectly.
The pressure to earn God's love and approval made my life a living Hell. I followed after legalism with all of my heart. I preached all of the rules, and did my best to live by them, only to hate myself for not being able to.
A few months ago, a precious friend of mine died at the age of 92. In the weeks leading up to his death, he expressed fear of Hell. This, even though he was a kind, generous Christian who had lived the Apostolic faith with all of its rules and regulations in manner that would put most of us to shame.
As he slipped away, we did our best to reassure him that God loved him, and would not abandon him in his time of need, but I'm not sure he ever really felt safe or comfortable. He was too worried that he had fallen short in one way or another.
In the months since he passed, I have examined how my theology informs my relationship with God and have decided that there is no way that I can ever please Him. I'm fairly confident that my very best efforts will fall horribly short. This frightens me beyond words.
The Bible says that "all have sinned and come short of the glory of God," and that there "is none good, no not one." I began to wonder, "if it's not possible for me to be good, how will I ever please God?" It's obvious that obeying
Acts 2:38 isn't enough to please God, and that following all of the Apostolic standards isn't enough. So, I've learned that even though I have obeyed
Acts 2:38, and have lived by those standards, I could still be headed to Hell...
At this point I've began to realize that any god that would send me to Hell for not being capable to follow His rules would be an unjust god. That god would be a childish god. An unreasonable and unfair god. I've asked God to reveal Himself to me, and to ease this fear in me. I do not want to go to my grave with fear in my heart. If I am to continue "living" for Him I wanted an assurance that He loves me, and that He is not searching for a rules infraction that will keep me away from Him forever.
In
2 Corinthians 12, Paul spoke of a thorn in his flesh. Three times he asked the Lord to remove it. Instead the Lord said
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
I do not have the assurance I long for just yet, but if Jesus can accept Paul with imperfections I'm hoping He will accept me too. I am learning that Jesus saves. Nothing more. Nothing less. I need Him now more than ever.
I am becoming perfectly weak.
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