Backslid husband

[Azzan]

Originally Posted by Falla39

...

It is hard to take others to places (physically or in experiece), we have not been
ourselves. Can't relate. I can learn from what I have seen others go through without
going through it myself. But as far as relating to where they have been or what they
went through, we can't. We may sympathize but we cannot emphasize
...

Falla39

VERY well said.

[ILG]

Many years ago, some well meaning church people told me some things too and I listened. I really thought they were right. Many years later, I found out they weren't.

By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples that ye have LOVE for one another. Not judgment, not church attendance, not certain clothes. Love.

If you don't feel love and compassion, think twice.

[RandyWayne]

Originally Posted by ILG

Many years ago, some well meaning church people told me some things too and I listened. I really thought they were right. Many years later, I found out they weren't.

By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples that ye have LOVE for one another. Not judgment, not church attendance, not certain clothes. Love.

If you don't feel love and compassion, think twice.

I believe with all my heart that it is nearly always good for a young couple to leave their parents church and branch out. It is just another part of leaving the nest. It is one thing if you don't do this because their is no other obvious place to go but quite another if it is the mother-in-law wanting to keep her baby close to her.
The best thing we ever did was travel across the country a few years after getting married. Prior to that we walked out of my wife's church partially because of long deep family politics (hers) but mainly because of the pastors ridicules teachings on marital sex and procreation.

[Falla39]

I didn't know about other people but I knew my godly parents had our best interest
at heart. I didn't know about others. Many of the ones that labored among us, in the
past, lost their way. Thankfully my parents didn't follow. Jesus said that His sheep knew
His Voice and followed HIm. They would not listen to a "stranger's voice". Those that are
truly following the Voice of the True Shepherd (Jesus) will hear His Voice and follow HIM.

Those who follow a man will change when he changes directions. Those that are
following the Voice of The Good Shepherd, will not follow a man that is NOT following
after Christ! They will keep walking with the Good Shepherd! Many have and are changing
from the direction they once traveled in. Time will tell who they were following!

Not to be offensive!

Falla39

[houston]

Nice. A "plug" for standards.

[MissBrattified]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, bcriswell. There are some great thoughts posted on this thread, and you're not the first woman (or man) to experience this. Ultimately, you know your husband better than any of us, so everything on this thread should be taken with a grain of salt. None of us can tell you what is exactly right; we can share advice based on years of observation and personal experience.

My thoughts:

1. In your marriage your love for one another is [supposed to be] unconditional. I think you need to reassure your husband that you love him no matter what he chooses and that he doesn't have the ability to push you away by not attending church. Don't twist his arm about church attendance. Be his wife who loves him the same as you always have.

2. Other people have no right to interfere in this dynamic, unless you ask them to. Don't talk to multiple people about anything your husband is struggling with. He needs to know that he can trust you with whatever it is he is going through, and that you will protect him and his reputation. Don't share with his friends, family or fellow (former) churchgoers that he's drinking, cussing or being verbally abusive. If someone asks you what is going on, smile and say something vague like, "Oh, he'll be alright; he's having a bit of a struggle right now, but we're working through it together. Just keep him in your prayers." If you do talk to someone in depth, make sure you talk to them about YOUR struggles and not his.

3. I Peter 3:1-2 In the same way you wives must submit yourselves to your husbands, so that if any of them do not believe God's word, your conduct will win them over to believe. It will not be necessary for you to say a word,
...because they will see how pure and reverent your conduct is.

4. Set aside time each day and each week to spend with your husband, just the two of you, like a date. It isn't about getting him to go to church with you; it's just about reminding him that you love him and he's important to you whether he goes to church with you or not.

5. Listen a lot more than you talk. If he does decide to share why he's upset or his reasons for not going to church, just listen. Don't argue; don't advise; just listen. When he's finished, give him a hug and a kiss. Tell him that you're glad that after all this time, you two are still friends and can talk about things you can't share with anyone else. And drop it. Then ask if he wants to go grocery shopping with you or something equally mundane.

You aren't required to endure any kind of verbal abuse, but don't overreact to it, either, if this is out of the norm for him. My advice would be *zero response.* A quiet (NOT mean) look, no response, and go wash the dishes. And don't slam the plates on the cabinet or throw silverware into the sink to show that you're upset. Forgive him in your heart immediately and that will remove the pressure you feel to let him "know" that you're hurt or upset.

My mother used to tell me to let people hear themselves. If they're being ugly, be quiet and let them be ugly by themselves. They know they're being hurtful, and they will be more likely to come around later and be sorry for it if you don't participate.

In the meantime, continue to talk to God, pray for your husband, read your Bible and do the things you know are right unapologetically, but not defiantly. And don't choose a time to pray or read your Bible when you know your husband needs or wants your attention. To put it bluntly, don't decide to sit in bed and read your Bible at night when you know your husband wants to get frisky, kwim? Don't be defiant about going to church on Sunday morning; be warm and casual. Kiss your husband on the cheek and say, "I'll be back around 11:30; is there anything special you'd like for lunch?"

Last but not least, don't rule out the possibility of attending church elsewhere if your husband suggests it. If you find out that he is terribly dissatisfied or upset with your church for some reason, then ask him if there's somewhere else he'd prefer to attend. IMO, it would be better for him and better for your marriage to go somewhere he likes than to not go at all. You owe your husband more loyalty than you owe your pastor or friends.

[Praxeas]

Originally Posted by Cindy

I would think if he has become verbally abusive and cursing at her, that shows something that most Christians don't do, I hope. Did it happen before or after he stopped going to church. I can understand not wanting to be at church alone, I attended for many years without my husband. It is hard.

It also shows a problem in the marriage

[Praxeas]

Originally Posted by RandyWayne

I believe with all my heart that it is nearly always good for a young couple to leave their parents church and branch out. It is just another part of leaving the nest. It is one thing if you don't do this because their is no other obvious place to go but quite another if it is the mother-in-law wanting to keep her baby close to her.
The best thing we ever did was travel across the country a few years after getting married. Prior to that we walked out of my wife's church partially because of long deep family politics (hers) but mainly because of the pastors ridicules teachings on marital sex and procreation.

I don't see any reason why a young couple should leave their parents church unless there is mitigating circumstances like what you mention here. If the church is a good church, has a great church family and support structure and Pastor, why not take advantage of it?

[MissBrattified]

Originally Posted by Falla39

...Those who follow a man will change when he changes directions. Those that are
following the Voice of The Good Shepherd, will not follow a man that is NOT following
after Christ! They will keep walking with the Good Shepherd! Many have and are changing
from the direction they once traveled in. Time will tell who they were following!

Not to be offensive!

Falla39

Are you referring to a husband or church leader? IMO, a wife should still love and follow her husband even when he is an unbeliever, with the exception of participating in sin.

[bcriswell86]

Let me say, thanks for all your post. However, though every marriage has their spurts, ours didn't begin until my husband left the church. You see, I live in an area, where they are maybe 1, 2 if you are blessed apostolic churches in a 30 mile radius of one another, so jumping from church to church is definitely not a source of resolve. Our problem however lies in the fact that my husband came from a church in MS, where his uncle is pastor, and I was born into a church where my uncle is now pastor, when we married my husband left his church in MS. Though both churches are apostolic, founded on apostolic principles and Biblical truth---my husband finds fault in the way certain members of our church conduct themself when they aren't in the church, or the way some certain issues aren't dealt with from the pulpit, when it could possibly be that they are dealt with behind closed doors. Anyways, I have often told my husband, since we aren't or never have been in a vital part of the ministry of our church it is not our place to say anything, and it isn't. I think if there are problems with certain individuals it should be dealt with by the Pastor, not other members. With that being said, he pretty much thinks my church isn't good enough so that justifies him not going. I love him unconditionally, no doubt. But I do not believe my relationship with him is above my relationship with God. I'm not going to be standing in front of my husband on judgment day, but I will be standing before God. My husband is a completely different person now that he is out of church, so that is where the strain on the marriage comes in at. I'm sure that I have caused some of this too, but it's hard when you know you're supposed to be submissive to your husband but in the back of your mind you know that he isn't leading your family under the submission of the Holy Ghost or the will of God, but rather his carnal ways of thinking. It's hard to be supportive of my husband, when I know who he used to be and who he has become. He is giving money to beer and lottery and not the kingdom of God. I appreciate everyones post, and as someone mentioned, no one here knows my exact situation so i should take post with a grain of salt. Surely, God will bring my husband back to a place of conviction and repentance.