(...from above)
I heard my best friend speak in tongues, and was instantly convinced God existed. I prayed one day to Him and asked Him a very, very specific question, and opened the Bible and found the answer. I prayed again, and He answered directly, exactly as I needed Him to, again from the Bible. I started reading the Bible, in a haphazard way, looking mostly for answers to questions other people had, even though I didn't think of myself a believer.
Eventually, I took a risk, and went to my friend's church. I didn't tell anyone I was coming. I just showed up. During song service, I wanted so desperately to sing along, but I couldn't. Something was holding me back. I stood, holding the back of the chair in front of me, knuckles fully white. All I could manage was a small toe-tap inside my left shoe. I had committed myself, if asked, to agree to pray. A general call to prayer was made and I elected, un-coerced, to go up to where the pulpit was. I knelt down, thinking it was the right thing to do. I took my glasses off and buried my face in my hands, with my head bowed to the floor. I said, "Jesus, I feel dumb, because I don't know how to pray and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say".
Suddenly I realized I was about to cry. I experienced an internal dialogue about whether I would or wouldn't let myself cry. I chose to let go. Pangs of remorse and conviction swept over me and I began to sob uncontrollably, almost to the point of convulsion, my body wracked with pain. All I could say was "I'm sorry". One hundred times I must have said it, if I said it once. Someone, then someone else, then another put their hands on me, but I didn't pay it much attention.
So uncontrollable were the sobs, so great was the pain, I began to panic. I began to feel this terribly heavy, crushing weight descend upon me. I was being pressed to the floor. I thought I was having a heart attack. At the last second, when I couldn't take anymore, two hands reached over me and underneath the weight and lifted it off of me and placed it--I could clearly discern, eyes closed and all, upon His own shoulder. Invisibly, but unmistakably, Jesus was standing behind me. A few short moments later, a man asked me "What doth hinder thee to be baptized?" Shortly thereafter, I was in water, being immersed in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and coming up out of the water, the Holy Spirit descended upon me and I was born again. I spoke with other tongues, had a vision of the Lord being scourged and crucified, and was delivered from every form of spiritual bondage I had experienced up until that point, being instantly cured of borderline personality and bi-polar disorder. For the first time in my life, I experienced personal righteousness. Being baptized and receiving the Holy Spirit was the first thing that had ever happened in my life that didn't make me feel like a failure.
That was March 9, 2003. For nearly two weeks, I walked in a kind of mental fog, like I couldn't think straight. I almost felt like I had forgotten how to speak. My mind was strangely, for the first time, as if it was empty. Going into that day, I probably couldn't quote any one verse of the Bible from memory, but later on, I learned the following verses:
1 Corinthians 14:22,
22. Wherefore tongues are for a sign, not to them that believe, but to them that believe not...
My friend speaking with other tongues was a sign to me who believed not. Hearing him speak in tongues instantly caused me to believe that God was real; indeed that the God of the Bible was real.
Psalm 65:2,
2. 2 O thou that hearest prayer, unto thee shall all flesh come.
John 14:14,
14. If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.
I came to God and asked Him a very specific thing in prayer. He heard it and Jesus answered me from the Bible.
Romans 10:17,
17. So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.
I began reading the Bible, and little did I know, that the more I read, even though it was for other people, my faith was growing, and I was being led to the edge, ready to take a risk by taking a plunge, and going to church.
1 Peter 5:6-7,
6. Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time:
7. Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.
Psalm 95:6,
6. O come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the Lord our maker.
I don't know why I took to my knees before God. It just seemed appropriate. I didn't know at the time why I couldn't sing along and enjoy the presence of God, until much later. Nor did I know that casting my cares upon Him after kneeling down, would cause such a saving change in my life.
John 16:7-9,
7. Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you.
8. And when he is come, he will reprove the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment:
9. Of sin, because they believe not on me...
When I was eleven years old, my best friend's mom asked me if I had ever heard of the Holy Spirit. My reply was "no". Even just minutes before receiving the Holy Spirit, I couldn't for the life of me say much about It. But It was there, all the same, reproving me of my sins, and for not believing on Jesus. As I wept, then sobbed, telling Jesus how sorry I was, the Holy Spirit was there, making it all happen, just like Jesus said it would.
Romans 6:23,
23. For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
2 Corinthians 5:21,
21. For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.
Acts 8:36,
36. And as they went on their way, they came unto a certain water: and the eunuch said, See, here is water; what doth hinder me to be baptized?
Acts 22:16,
16. And now why tarriest thou? arise, and be baptized, and wash away thy sins, calling on the name of the Lord.
Acts 2:17,
17. And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith God, I will pour out of my Spirit upon all flesh: and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, and your young men shall see visions...
Acts 2:4,
4. And they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance.
2 Corinthians 5:17,
17. Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.
Romans 9:30,
30. What shall we say then? That the Gentiles, which followed not after righteousness, have attained to righteousness, even the righteousness which is of faith.
1 Corinthians 3:18-20,
18. Let no man deceive himself. If any man among you seemeth to be wise in this world, let him become a fool, that he may be wise.
19. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness with God. For it is written, He taketh the wise in their own craftiness.
20. And again, The Lord knoweth the thoughts of the wise, that they are vain.
I didn't know anything about atonement, propitiation, or substitutionary sacrifice. But as the weight of my sins came down on me and seemed to be crushing me to death, Jesus, standing behind me, came in at the last moment and took them off of me and put them on Himself. He completely atoned for all of my sins, by becoming my sins for me.
A little while later, as the man was asking what hindered me, not having an answer was the very thing that convinced me to be baptized. I had always thought I was so smart, so ready to defend myself and explain why God wasn't real, that Jesus didn't matter, that I was who I was for good reasons, and etc. My mind was like an active volcano, always churning, always moving, fast and dangerous. As I came up out of the water, to receive the Holy Spirit, and a vision of the Lord's passion, to prophesy by speaking with other tongues, I experienced the righteousness of the Lord imparted to me by faith. God was curing me of all the damage my sins had done to me. I was forgiven. And in forgiveness I found myself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healed. What none of the several different psychologists, psychiatrists, and counselors, with all their therapies, sessions, medicines, and hospitals couldn't do in over 10 years, Jesus did in less than 10 minutes.
My best friend's mom later told me that as I was receiving the Holy Spirit, she had a vision in which she saw all these chains unwinding themselves and falling off of my heart. I was a new creature in Christ.
And even though the Lord had taken me in my own presumed craftiness and made all that I thought I was a dung hill, I was nonetheless experiencing this:
Romans 12:2-3,
2. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
3. For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.
At this point in my life, I don't need anyone here or there or anywhere to convince me God is real, Jesus is Lord, forgiveness and remission of sins is possible, that speaking with other tongues is evidence of receiving the Holy Spirit, that the Bible is the Word of God, and etc. As I said, a little application goes a long way.
I experienced all of it and more, for myself.
I know the TRUTH. The TRUTH has made me free (
John 8:32). And knowing the TRUTH, I know where I would be, had I not been rescued by the WAY, the TRUTH, and the LIFE: Either dead from suicide, permanently institutionalized and drugged into non-existence, or in a prison some where, guilty of mass murder.
And so, when I see and think of people I know, or see and think of people I don't know, who have not had this experience, who don't know the TRUTH, who am I that I can act as if there is no need for me to "speak that we do know, and testify that we have seen" (
John 3:11)?
I was in Hell ere I ever died and went there. I know it's real, and that many, perhaps even most, are currently as lost as I ever was. There is a way that leads to everlasting life, but it is narrow, and its gate is strait, and few there are that find it (
Matthew 7:14).
Whether anyone cares to hear it from me of not, I don't care. I will tell them what the Lord has done, and who He is, and in so doing, save as many souls as I can, from death (
James 5:20).