Divorce - Adultery Thread - Page 11

Rhoni · #**101** 05-20-2008, 06:58 PM

Generally, when an affair comes to light, people tend to think that it's all about "the sex" -- better sex, new sex, adventurous sex, and, in many cases, any sex at all. But a growing number of relationship experts conclude that this assumption is often wrong. Instead, they point out that the motivation behind infidelity varies right along with the chances whether or not the marriage can survive.

Undoubtedly, celebrities and high-powered successes such as former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and former General Electric CEO Jack Welch, and countless regular Joes and Janes, do cheat for the thrill. But it's a little more complicated. According to a recent "Lust, Love & Loyalty Survey," the primary reason marrieds stray is something a more impalpable: feelings of discontent and disappointment. Men cheat because they are dissatisfied (sexually or otherwise) with their relationship, while the most common reason women cheat is they feel emotionally deprived. Simply, the affair fills a void.

Not all affairs are created equal. In fact, Ofer Zur, PhD, a psychologist from Sonoma, CA, has outlined a dozen reasons why people cheat, none of which are just about "the sex." His laundry list includes conflict or intimacy avoidance, pay-back, mid-life, empty-nest or other types of individual crisis -- not to mention plain curiosity. "Affairs are often about self-expression and not always a reflection of a bad marriage."

"An affair doesn't have to be a death knell to a relationship," says Scott Haltzman, MD, a clinical professor at Brown University and author of ''The Secrets of Happy Married Men.' "It can be a wake up call instead." In fact, when both partners are committed to the relationship and to changing the dynamics that may have supported the affair, the marriage may come out stronger, says Zur.

The ones that take the brunt of the repair are the cheaters. There's no question that re-building the marriage initiates with them: Immediately breaking off the affair, profuse apologizing and rigorous self-examination about their betrayal in the first place. Then comes the work.

Most people aren't prepared to live with the guilt. "People either bastardize or glamorize an affair. They're not prepared for the shame and blame," says Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of 'Adultery, the Forgivable Sin.' The road to self-acceptance may sometimes be a rougher path, even if the betrayed spouse can forgive them.

A marriage can survive infidelity, but it takes two. Forgiveness goes a long way; at some point, both partners must move beyond the affair or it will destroy any chance of salvaging the marriage and a shot at happily-ever-after, Hollywood-style. After all, enduring celebrity relationships don't make headlines.

rgcraig · #**102** 05-20-2008, 07:11 PM

Rhoni, you need to list your source of the post above for copyright reasons.

I agree completely with that too!

Rhoni · #**103** 05-20-2008, 07:37 PM

Would Cheating Ruin Your Marriage?

By Caroline Howard

An affair doesn't have to mean your marriage will end up like this

Just last week, Shania Twain and her husband of 14 years, producer Robert "Mutt" Lange, were calling it quits. Today the circuits are buzzing with the news that another woman, the couple's secretary, may have come between them.

The question on everyone's mind: Huh? How could he? It's déjà vu all over again: Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman. Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon. Marilyn Manson and Dita Von Teese, for Pete's sake. These affairs fly in the face of common wisdom regarding infidelity, who does it and why.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rhoni

Generally, when an affair comes to light, people tend to think that it's all about "the sex" -- better sex, new sex, adventurous sex, and, in many cases, any sex at all. But a growing number of relationship experts conclude that this assumption is often wrong. Instead, they point out that the motivation behind infidelity varies right along with the chances whether or not the marriage can survive.

Undoubtedly, celebrities and high-powered successes such as former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and former General Electric CEO Jack Welch, and countless regular Joes and Janes, do cheat for the thrill. But it's a little more complicated. According to a recent "Lust, Love & Loyalty Survey," the primary reason marrieds stray is something a more impalpable: feelings of discontent and disappointment. Men cheat because they are dissatisfied (sexually or otherwise) with their relationship, while the most common reason women cheat is they feel emotionally deprived. Simply, the affair fills a void.

Not all affairs are created equal. In fact, Ofer Zur, PhD, a psychologist from Sonoma, CA, has outlined a dozen reasons why people cheat, none of which are just about "the sex." His laundry list includes conflict or intimacy avoidance, pay-back, mid-life, empty-nest or other types of individual crisis -- not to mention plain curiosity. "Affairs are often about self-expression and not always a reflection of a bad marriage."

"An affair doesn't have to be a death knell to a relationship," says Scott Haltzman, MD, a clinical professor at Brown University and author of ''The Secrets of Happy Married Men.' "It can be a wake up call instead." In fact, when both partners are committed to the relationship and to changing the dynamics that may have supported the affair, the marriage may come out stronger, says Zur.

The ones that take the brunt of the repair are the cheaters. There's no question that re-building the marriage initiates with them: Immediately breaking off the affair, profuse apologizing and rigorous self-examination about their betrayal in the first place. Then comes the work.

Most people aren't prepared to live with the guilt. "People either bastardize or glamorize an affair. They're not prepared for the shame and blame," says Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of 'Adultery, the Forgivable Sin.' The road to self-acceptance may sometimes be a rougher path, even if the betrayed spouse can forgive them.

A marriage can survive infidelity, but it takes two. Forgiveness goes a long way; at some point, both partners must move beyond the affair or it will destroy any chance of salvaging the marriage and a shot at happily-ever-after, Hollywood-style. After all, enduring celebrity relationships don't make headlines.

This came off AOL didn't say what the source was but the people and books/statistics are listed...I'll check aol and see what it says

Rhoni · #**104** 05-20-2008, 07:39 PM

I'm sorry I thought I copied the whole thing...left out the first paragraph. Thank-you for catching this Renda.

Scott Hutchinson · #**105** 05-20-2008, 07:44 PM

My question is this if someone catches their spouse in an affair isn't it very difficult to trust them again ?
I knew a fellow whose wife cheated on him once,he took her back,she cheated again and he cut her a loose that time.

rgcraig · #**106** 05-20-2008, 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scott Hutchinson

My question is this if someone catches their spouse in an affair isn't it very difficult to trust them again ?
I knew a fellow whose wife cheated on him once,he took her back,she cheated again and he cut her a loose that time.

It would take a lot or prayer, accountibility and a lot of work to regain the trust.

Cindy · #**107** 05-20-2008, 07:49 PM

Have you ever noticed a lot of times the other woman is not more beautiful than the wife,and the other man is not more handsome than the husband? I am meaning this by the worlds standards of outward beauty. I agree with some of that article Rhoni that it isn't always about sex at first anyway.