Me too. But I don't know if you should simply override your ex's wishes. On the other hand, why should she have final say in the matter? That's a tough one. I guess it depends on what the custody agreement is.
Good idea. I was going to suggest some kind of compromise, but didn't actually come up with one.
Because she is unconscious, I'm not sure if a telephone call would meet any need he might have to say goodbye. It might make the entire ordeal more strange.
When I explained the situation he cried. I then told him that I was going to see her and to tell her goodbye. He immediately said that he wanted to go too. I explained that she wouldn't be conscious and he was still pretty insistent. But he's 7. Should I honor what he says that he wants? Personally, I see a learning opportunity with him. It also gives him a context to ask difficult questions he might not know how to ask. Questions about death, growing old, hospitals, etc. I think sheltering him from these things isn't going to really help. But that's my opinion.
I agree he should be able to say goodbye. And I also agree it is better not to shelter children from this.
My point about saying goodbye over the phone is simply to try and meet your son's need while trying to comply with your ex's wishes. You could take a photo of her or a video and show it to him and let him say goodbye over the phone. It is the next best thing to what you want to do. And, I probably wouldn't mention it to your ex. Just do it and then tell her you complied with her wishes he not be there. Sometimes it's better to ask forgiveness than permission. I wouldn't abuse that though either. I'm more concerned about the relationship between you and your ex than your son's need to say goodbye. I think that relationship is a higher priority.
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Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the people doing it. ~Chinese Proverb
When I was young and clever, I wanted to change the world. Now that I am older and wiser, I strive to change myself. ~
Have you checked with your local Hospice? they have some wonderful material to use when working with children regarding a loved one's death. They gave my cousin big packets of books and activities that she was able to use to help her daughters during this time when their grandma was dying.
Also, I work for our local funeral home and know that we have material available for families. You could check with your local funeral homes to see what they have to offer as well.
Either way, as far as your ex goes - my gut feeling would be that maybe the best thing to do is to follow her wishes. Let him make a drawing for great-grandma. And then make sure that they put that drawing in the casket with her at the viewing so he can see for himself that she got to "see it". Do that for both children, because you certainly do need to treat them both the same in this situation.
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Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of a battle ! ! ! !
Have you checked with your local Hospice? they have some wonderful material to use when working with children regarding a loved one's death. They gave my cousin big packets of books and activities that she was able to use to help her daughters during this time when their grandma was dying.
Also, I work for our local funeral home and know that we have material available for families. You could check with your local funeral homes to see what they have to offer as well.
Either way, as far as your ex goes - my gut feeling would be that maybe the best thing to do is to follow her wishes. Let him make a drawing for great-grandma. And then make sure that they put that drawing in the casket with her at the viewing so he can see for himself that she got to "see it". Do that for both children, because you certainly do need to treat them both the same in this situation.
Good suggestion about the drawing, Margies. The key is to meet the needs of both children and not turn this into a power struggle of any kind.
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Those who say it cannot be done should not interrupt the people doing it. ~Chinese Proverb
When I was young and clever, I wanted to change the world. Now that I am older and wiser, I strive to change myself. ~
Buddy, the last thing you want and the thing that would be the worst for you and your son would be for him to be the rope in a tug of war between you and your ex.
I wish there were easy answers.
__________________ If I do something stupid blame the Lortab!
Maybe you could get some booklets or material from the funeral home, and ask to meet your ex privately, and without your son present, in order to look at it, and see if it would somehow change her mind, if she realized that it won't damage the child permanently to say goodbye to someone he loves.
I do think a compromise of some sort is necessary, if possible. I'll be praying for you!
I'm really concerned with the imbalance not allowing him to go might cause. For example, Addison didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her grandfather. Amazingly, even at 7 years old, she seems to understand how important it is to say goodbye and she sincerely wants to go to say goodbye. Her mother (my girlfriend) also feels it would be in Addison's best interests to honor her request. However, if we do... my son will certainly hear from Addison about it and feel denied the opportunity. This could add to his sadness and his feeling alone with so many questions. And if I know Addison, she's going to say something like, "We wanted you to come but your mommy wouldn't let you." Now... something like that would be a big issue that might develop out of this also.
I called to talk to a family counselor and ask for some advice. I was told that in her personal opinion, a child shouldn’t be sheltered from death’s reality. In fact, if a child is sheltered from death’s reality and the grieving process, their imaginations can run wild. She said that the unknown is often far more frightening to a 7 or 8 year old than what they know and learn from experience. In fact it can build a strong fear or anxiety with relation to death and hinder their ability to properly cope with it. In some cases kids can start to feel like they are to blame for the loss of a loved one. Saying goodbye and participating in the grieving process along with the family can help them feel like a part of the family and it helps prevent feeling alone or to blame. Not respecting his desire to go could feed his imagination with regards to great-grandma's death. The counselor was quite impressed that I had talked things over with Noah so thoroughly and even acted out what it would be like. Those are things she would have recommended before taking him. Lastly, the counselor insisted that above all... it is of major importance that everyone be in agreement on the subject. Because that too can confuse a child’s thoughts and feelings when confronted with life issues like these.
Dealing with an ex is a true trial. Especially if they are like mine. I often call her "Captain Contrary" because if I say it's white... she will always say it's black.
I am so sorry both for your loss and for the difficult situation you find yourself in. I will be praying for you and your family both for comfort and wisdom. Since your grand mother is unconscious and would not be able to respond why not bro.g both children to the viewing or funeral to say their goodbyes. Again. I am very sorry for your loss.
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