Time Of Trial

[Jermyn Davidson]

This afternoon, I am about to face a daunting task and I need the faith that comes from God for a miracle or the faith that carries me through when something very bad (that seems inevitable) happens.


How does one have the faith that the bad thing won't happen, when it seems inevitable?


How does one get through the bad thing happening without blaming God-- knowing that He was able to stop the bad thing from happening, but He didn't, choosing to let you suffer?



My mind goes back to the ancient martyrs. God was able to deliver them but He didn't-- allowing them to endure some of the cruellest torture.

And then He did deliver them, in death, but who wants to die?

Who really wants to die?


So are our trials a way of bringing death to our flesh? It seems like it for me, at times. There is a scripture that states that for the person who suffers in the flesh ceases from sin. In a strange way, suffering preoccupies my mind from the sin that is ever present. It's no secret that I struggle with sex. And since it has been the case for the last 3 Mondays to be days of increased temptation, maybe the trial is here to keep me from being so preoccupied with that same temptation that tries to trip me over and over again.


"God is able to keep us from falling, and to present us faultless," according to the scriptures. One way God exercises His power in our lives is through our trials. How many times have I prayed for the Lord to deliver me from my temptations? How many times have I fallen over and over to the same thing, only to have to look to my Savior for forgiveness again. I am grateful that He promises to forgive. However, I imagine that He wants for His children to grow and that growing can be painful.

Hence my trials today. Yeah I was tempted today, but to the extreme of the last few Mondays, no way, but I've got something I'm seeking God for today. I've got a situation that if He doesn't work out, I'll just have to... suffer without.

As I go through this, I don't want to become bitter. Being aware that my God has all power, I wonder why He just doesn't fix the situation. It would take a miracle at this point-- nothing short of a miracle. So I am bracing myself to suffer.

Is it bad that I am not expecting a miracle?

Probably so. I want to expect a miracle. If it was Sunday morning, I would be expecting a miracle. Now I am not saying God is not here with me, or that He is not able-- I'm just not expecting Him to do anything about this.

I think this is the wrong way for me to think. But after a person gets their hopes up over and over again for a desired outcome and that desired outcome doesn't happen, how does one keep believing that the desired outcome will happen?

How does one shake this feeling of impending doom?

I've prayed, I've tried to work it out-- but this is simply NOT in my hands.

The Bible tells us to be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. So I am strong, I'm not going to avoid the situation. I'll face it like a good Christian Soldier, knowing that my desired outcome is probably not what is going to happen.

Is this faith? Is this what it means to endure? How does one protect their faith when their faith becomes so bruised by the things of life that one can't understand?


I just don't know.


I do know that this seeming failure on the part of God can not be seen as failure in my eyes, though at times, I am tempted to see it as so.

His perceived failures are not failures. This is a fact that I know.

Well what are they then?


They are opportunities for growth and it sounds cheesy. It sounds horrible! I don't like the way it sounds. I don't like the way it looks. I don't like the way it feels! I don't like this at all!!! I wish it would just go differently, but it probably won't.

Am I supposed to believe that it will end differently than what I fear? How can I? Where do I get this kind of faith-- the kind of faith that completely disregards the circumstances and all it entails and all of the feelings of let down?

I think I am better off just to face the impending, without feariing it.

But I don't think that this is an example of faith.

For all my talk about faith, for every hearty amen I've ever given the preacher, for every song I've ever clapped my hands to and lifted my voice in singing-- for every time I've ever said and meant, "Lord, I believe", I can still say it. Even right now, I can say, "Lord, I believe."


But I should be able to say it and believe all of the implications-- believing that He is able to resolve the whole thing and leave no loose ends and do it quickly. I believe in Jesus.


In typing this out, I feel better about the dark cloud that still hangs over.




Jesus, help my unbelief.