Husband leaving the church. Very sad n stressed

[Sweet Pea]

Originally Posted by Esaias

You are excused! Although I have no idea why a woman would be opposed to a woman telling her husband he is the spiritual head of their house and that she wants him to lead them in family bible reading, prayer, and worship...

I think you totally missed my point. I am not opposed to her talking to her husband and letting him know that she wants him to be the spiritual leader of the home .... etc etc etc. There is nothing like the peace and joy when your husband IS leading the home as the spiritual leader.

However, if you read my entire post, there is a way that it can be handled without tearing him down and making him feel like he has been a failure in that department. Maybe I misunderstood your comment. It came across to me as: TELL him - to me it came across in a accusing manner. I'm sorry if I misunderstood you.

However, the way it came across to me reminded me of a saint in old-time Pentecost about the time TVs first came out. She attended church faithfully, her husband did not. He bought a TV and then shortly after that at a General Conference the stand was taken against TV. After it was preached in the home church, the saint went to the pastor (a female pastor... ) and told her that the husband had purchased one and brought it into the home. That dear old pastor said: "Well, Sister _ _ _ _ , you just need to put your foot down and tell him to sell it and get rid of that ungodly thing." The wise old saint looked the pastor straight in the eye and said.... "Well, I can put my foot down, but I'll be picking it right back up." True story!

So - yes, I agree that she needs to talk to him about these things, but I think it should be done after much prayer and asking the Lord to go before her and prepare his heart to receive it. And asking the Lord to give her the right words to say.

JMHO - Blessings to you!

[StillStanding]

I think asking (demanding) that the husband be the spiritual leader of the family can appear condescending! You're basically scolding him for not being a leader in the past. If he is sensitive to this, it could damage the situation even further.

Instead, ask him what HE wants out of church! Be willing to sacrifice a few things that you like for the good of your family's christian walk. That's called "compromise". Don't ASK him to be the leader, just ALLOW him to be the leader!

[Sweet Pea]

Originally Posted by StillStanding

I think asking (demanding) that the husband be the spiritual leader of the family can appear condescending! You're basically scolding him for not being a leader in the past. If he is sensitive to this, it could damage the situation even further.

Instead, ask him what HE wants out of church! Be willing to sacrifice a few things that you like for the good of your family's christian walk. That's called "compromise". Don't ASK him to be the leader, just ALLOW him to be the leader!

you said it must better than how I was saying it. But this is what I meant!

[ILG]

Originally Posted by StillStanding

I think asking (demanding) that the husband be the spiritual leader of the family can appear condescending! You're basically scolding him for not being a leader in the past. If he is sensitive to this, it could damage the situation even further.

Instead, ask him what HE wants out of church! Be willing to sacrifice a few things that you like for the good of your family's christian walk. That's called "compromise". Don't ASK him to be the leader, just ALLOW him to be the leader!

[CC1]

Originally Posted by Sweet Pea

Excuse me????? There is a way to prayerfully approach this situation regarding the spiritual leadership. But to tell someone you don't know, "you need to have a talk and tell....." You don't know his personality, you don't know what type of leadership he has been offering (or not offering). It sounds like he isn't a "new" believer. He's been around the block a time or two - I'm sure that he already has heard that he is the spiritual leader of the home. He doesn't need her to lay down the law or give him ultimatums regarding what he "needs" to do. Obviously he is battling in his own walk with God. We have no idea (and she may not either) exactly what spiritual battles are going on his mind that have made him say and do what he did yesterday. He certainly doesn't need his wife, his helpmeet to make him feel guilty about this.

As the wife of someone who isn't particularly outgoing - someone who doesn't make friends easily, I can somewhat identify with where she is coming from. Also, it appears that there are several dynamics at work in this situation.

1) She indicates that there has been a loss of income. As a man, he may be feeling inadequate in this. Has she made him feel less of a man because he doesn't provide in the same lifestyle that he once did? It can happen unintentionally and very subtlety without even realizing that she is harming him emotionally.

2) She indicated that they went out to eat with the other couple and were available whenever they were asked. The question is, how often did they initiate the fellowship? Did they always wait to be asked? Also, if the other couples are aware of the loss of income, it may be that they have refrained from encouraging this family to "go out to eat" for fear of embarrassing them or causing them financial hardship.

There are other things that come to mind, but this is my unsolicited advice. To the OP: Okay, you stayed home yesterday because you were somewhat in shock at his attitude and his comments. From this point on, if I were you:

I would continue attending the same church (yes, even without him, you'd be surprised at the times he may get up and get ready when he sees you and the children are going). At this point in time, your children need stability. If people ask where your husband is, just tell them, "he's going through some things right now." They don't need all the gory details or a woe is me story about how no one is his friend. People who are out-going and make friends easily don't understand how hard it can be for an introvert and they often will have a "he just needs to grow up" attitude. If you have a couple of close friends that you can TRUST, friends that you trust their loyalty as well as their spiritual walk, ask them for prayer for your family. Again, you don't need to give all the details, unless YOU are impressed by God to do so.

Pick out 2 or 3 couples that it appeared he had common interests and/or the beginning of some type of bond before he began to feel isolated. Pray abut it - asking the Lord who would be the best influence for your family. YOU take the initiative, invite them over. Have a BBQ - everyone bring their own meat, you supply the side dishes. Have a game night at your home, everyone to bring a favorite finger food. Don't wait on other people to take the initiative. Scripture teaches "a man that hath friends must show himself friendly." I was taught that meant being hospitable.

Now - yes, at some point, you will want to sit down with your husband and discuss his role in the spiritual leadership of your home. He is the priest of your home, but he won't take that role by you nagging or hounding him to do so. Spend time in prayer and fasting for your husband before you talk with him. Ask the Lord to go before you and prepare his heart for what you have to say. Ask the Lord to give you the words that you should speak. Bless your husband, pray for him every day, trusting and believing that God will work a miracle in his mind and heart. Ask the Lord to give YOU guidance, direction and to change you into the wife and mother that He wants you to be.

Personally, I don't think that changing churches is the answer. There will be a honeymoon period and then right back to where you are now. You have formed a bond with the saints and pastor of the church you are now attending and as I stated earlier, your children need stability. Moving from one church to another doesn't offer that stability. Will there come a day when (as a family) you need to change church - very possible. However, changing in the midst of a trial or spiritual battle isn't the answer. You cannot run from what is bothering your husband, it will only follow you.

You can ditto me on this excellent post. It covers pretty much all of the main points that hit me when I read the original post in this thread.

I was a little shocked that the first Sunday the husband says he is not going to church the wife also stays home herself. Good grief! He may have had just a particularly bad week and it had all come down on him and he needed a Sunday off to reflect. The wife in following along in blowing off church did not make sense to me.

I also think the money situation that was briefly alluded to probably plays a bigger part in this in some way or ways that was not covered in the original post. As Sweetpea says money problems can effect a family greatly. Particularly a man whose self worth and ego are tied up with his ability to provide for his family (at least in men who are not lazy bums!). Financial problems alone can cause depression that magnifies every real or perceived wrong a person endures.

[Praxeas]

Lots of people in churches get side tracked with family and jobs and no longer call people to go do something.

Maybe ask the Pastor why nobody invites him?

Did something happen?

[Esaias]

Originally Posted by StillStanding

I think asking (demanding) that the husband be the spiritual leader of the family can appear condescending! You're basically scolding him for not being a leader in the past. If he is sensitive to this, it could damage the situation even further.

Instead, ask him what HE wants out of church! Be willing to sacrifice a few things that you like for the good of your family's christian walk. That's called "compromise". Don't ASK him to be the leader, just ALLOW him to be the leader!

Good grief. I'm pretty sure the lady knows how to talk to her husband.

Some of you other folks, tho... lol

[Esphes45]

Originally Posted by good samaritan

I don't think that she is being wrong in this. If you have a negative thought I guess you tell your spouse all about it. That sounds like a recipe for disaster. She should be honest and encourage her husband, but surely she can use discretion and not feed his fire. Prayer, faithfulness, and patience is key in all this.

@GS - Since I am currently going through a similar situation with my wife, I think being honest about her feelings would at least help him know that he is not totally crazy about his thoughts. She is his helpmate, they are one. She can pray but being deceitful is not being honest. Trying to encourage someone when you have negative thoughts is not being truthful.

Also faithfulness to God is not the same as faithfulness to a church. Her husband comes before a church.

[Originalist]

Originally Posted by Esphes45

@GS - Since I am currently going through a similar situation with my wife, I think being honest about her feelings would at least help him know that he is not totally crazy about his thoughts. She is his helpmate, they are one. She can pray but being deceitful is not being honest. Trying to encourage someone when you have negative thoughts is not being truthful.

Also faithfulness to God is not the same as faithfulness to a church. Her husband comes before a church.

Amen. This couple can still have a powerful walk with God and ministry outside of the institutionalized church. I hope they discipline themselves to have church at home. But of course there will be those who will tell them they are now under the condemnation of the Almighty for "rebelling against the man of God" and such nonsense.

Sadly there are also many pastors who would basically tell this woman she has to now choose between her husband and God and that if he does not repent she should allow the marraige to basically go.

[KeptByTheWord]

I will be praying for you in this situation!

It is easy to shell out advice on a forum such as this, but honestly... even with everyone's best intentions, the best advice I think there is to give, is to seek the Lord for direction. After all, if you are filled with the Spirit, then you should be led of the Spirit, and the Spirit is mightily capable of giving you the exact direction and focus you need for this situation.

Certainly you will be in my prayers that the Lord will give you focus, direction, and peace to handle this situation the best way possible