Backslid husband

[kristian's_mom]

Originally Posted by bcriswell86

Let me start this post by saying I was raised in church and my parents quit and divorced when I was 11, My mom just recently got back in church along with my stepdad, which is great and I am thankful for, because that was my prayer for a long time. Now, I have been faced with a new trial... My husband was in church when we got married 3 almost 4 years ago....in the past year, for whatever reason, he quit church and has recently started drinking, not everyday but off and on (not that that justifies it), occasionally he is very verbally abusive with me, and has started cursing.... things just roll of his tongue, I think before he even knows it. I feel so drained, not defeated, but very worn out in my spirit, i feel like the first part of my life i pleaded with God to bring my parents to a place that they knew they couldn't live without God, and now I find myself doing the same with my husband. It is a complete strain on me. We have a 2 year old son who needs desperately to see his father in church. My husband lets on to his family who is 8 hrs away that he still goes to church, but has not been in several months. I know i shouldn't question God, but sometimes I get tired of wearing a happy face... I am tired of being the only lady at my church who sits through service without a spouse by her side.. I see the support and the love that other men in our church give to their wives and it makes me think of the way the things once were. I have prayed, I have cried... I don't know what to do.... It is very difficult to hold on; please someone ....tell me what i should do.... *distrought*

I don't know who you are, but I will be praying for you!!

I know for a fact this man loves you. How do I know? He married you! You are the mother of his child! I don't know what is going on in his life for him to all of a sudden act differently, but it sounds like to me he needs you now more than ever.

In my own marriage I have learned that 100% of our name calling and yelling is just because one person is pressured with life and taking it out on the other, and the other person is defending themself. (I am no angel either ) We went through a REALLY rough spot there for a while after about 2 years of marriage. I didn't think we were going to survive it. It just happened to coincide with many life altering problems.

Then all of a sudden one day, it got better. Please don't try to judge him too harshly, he may just be faced with some issues that he is not confiding in you about.

[Falla39]

Originally Posted by MissBrattified

Are you referring to a husband or church leader? IMO, a wife should still love and follow her husband even when he is an unbeliever, with the exception of participating in sin.

I was referring to a man leading a flock! I do agree that a wife needs to
love and do all she can to be the wife and mother she should be, with,
as you said, the exception of partcipating in sin.

BUT I believe that GOD MUST BE # ONE in our lives to be the best we can
be. Wife, Mother, saint of God. With me, it was a process! We don't come full blown
and full grown, as my late father used to say!

Falla39

[Praxeas]

Originally Posted by bcriswell86

Let me say, thanks for all your post. However, though every marriage has their spurts, ours didn't begin until my husband left the church. You see, I live in an area, where they are maybe 1, 2 if you are blessed apostolic churches in a 30 mile radius of one another, so jumping from church to church is definitely not a source of resolve. Our problem however lies in the fact that my husband came from a church in MS, where his uncle is pastor, and I was born into a church where my uncle is now pastor, when we married my husband left his church in MS. Though both churches are apostolic, founded on apostolic principles and Biblical truth---my husband finds fault in the way certain members of our church conduct themself when they aren't in the church, or the way some certain issues aren't dealt with from the pulpit, when it could possibly be that they are dealt with behind closed doors. Anyways, I have often told my husband, since we aren't or never have been in a vital part of the ministry of our church it is not our place to say anything, and it isn't. I think if there are problems with certain individuals it should be dealt with by the Pastor, not other members. With that being said, he pretty much thinks my church isn't good enough so that justifies him not going. I love him unconditionally, no doubt. But I do not believe my relationship with him is above my relationship with God. I'm not going to be standing in front of my husband on judgment day, but I will be standing before God. My husband is a completely different person now that he is out of church, so that is where the strain on the marriage comes in at. I'm sure that I have caused some of this too, but it's hard when you know you're supposed to be submissive to your husband but in the back of your mind you know that he isn't leading your family under the submission of the Holy Ghost or the will of God, but rather his carnal ways of thinking. It's hard to be supportive of my husband, when I know who he used to be and who he has become. He is giving money to beer and lottery and not the kingdom of God. I appreciate everyones post, and as someone mentioned, no one here knows my exact situation so i should take post with a grain of salt. Surely, God will bring my husband back to a place of conviction and repentance.

I don't mean this in a critical way but it sounds as though the church he came from was a very very strict church. Don't blame yourself or anyone for that matter as blame never really helps but usually just hurts.

Important is not to nag him over it or constantly raise the issue if he is not receptive. That will just make things worse

[Jermyn Davidson]

I think the advice and the attitude reflected by Miss Bratfield's post is very positive and will lead to healing.

God is married to the backslider.

Please don't give in to the temptation to look at your marriage as either God or him. That view is not biblical, IMO.


Of course, I'm not married and I also give great advice on rearing other people's children. Of course, I don't have any children of my own!

[bcriswell86]

Odd enough, the issue of my husband backsliding rarely comes up... I don't pressure him with it, we hardly even ever talk about it.... I just think some of the problems we have and how he lives now is a result of him not being involved in the church like he once was....

[ILG]

Excellent advice, Miss B. You show exactly how to RESPECT the husband, even if there is disagreement. Respect is so important, and commanded by the Bible for Christians.

[ILG]

Let me say, thanks for all your post. However, though every marriage has their spurts, ours didn't begin until my husband left the church. You see, I live in an area, where they are maybe 1, 2 if you are blessed apostolic churches in a 30 mile radius of one another, so jumping from church to church is definitely not a source of resolve. Our problem however lies in the fact that my husband came from a church in MS, where his uncle is pastor, and I was born into a church where my uncle is now pastor, when we married my husband left his church in MS. Though both churches are apostolic, founded on apostolic principles and Biblical truth---my husband finds fault in the way certain members of our church conduct themself when they aren't in the church, or the way some certain issues aren't dealt with from the pulpit, when it could possibly be that they are dealt with behind closed doors.

And it is possible that it isn't being dealt with at all and your husband's perceptions are correct.

Anyways, I have often told my husband, since we aren't or never have been in a vital part of the ministry of our church it is not our place to say anything, and it isn't. I think if there are problems with certain individuals it should be dealt with by the Pastor, not other members. With that being said, he pretty much thinks my church isn't good enough so that justifies him not going.

You seem to feel he is justifying himself as if he has something to defend, when, perhaps, he is right that the church isn't healthy.

I love him unconditionally, no doubt. But I do not believe my relationship with him is above my relationship with God. I'm not going to be standing in front of my husband on judgment day, but I will be standing before God.

Certainly, you need to answer to God. Miss B layed out an excellent position for the woman who needs to answer to God but disagrees with her husband.

My husband is a completely different person now that he is out of church, so that is where the strain on the marriage comes in at.

Is he completely different? Or do you more see him as different now that he is not attending church?

I'm sure that I have caused some of this too, but it's hard when you know you're supposed to be submissive to your husband but in the back of your mind you know that he isn't leading your family under the submission of the Holy Ghost or the will of God, but rather his carnal ways of thinking.

I think you are making a logical leap by saying that since your husband isn't attending church, he is not leading your family but is being carnal. Perhaps he is trying to lead and you are not listening. Are you willing to make any compromises? Must he attend the church you want, and be a total teetotaller? Are you accusing him of sinning because he is not doing what you want him to do?

It's hard to be supportive of my husband, when I know who he used to be and who he has become. He is giving money to beer and lottery and not the kingdom of God. I appreciate everyones post, and as someone mentioned, no one here knows my exact situation so i should take post with a grain of salt. Surely, God will bring my husband back to a place of conviction and repentance.

If your husband is being totally irresponsible, refusing to pay bills, getting drunk and verbally abusive, you have a problem. If he has a drink now and again, pays the bills, buys a lottery ticket on occasion but doesn't attend church because he disagrees with some things, it is you who is judging him. Be careful, you may be out of God's will yourself.

[Falla39]

Originally Posted by ILG

Then again, maybe it's not the marriage or the husband. Maybe it's the church.

(I kind of suspect it is since she feels inferior and unloved just because her husband doesn't attend.)

ILG,
I do not mean this to be offensive, but what else would you expect from
someone who has quit going to church themselves. Just blame the church!

The enemy of our souls loves to isolate young couples from family and from
church. Those who pray for them and those to who have their best interest
at heart.

I know of a young couple right now that slowly but surely, the enemy has
been working on. I believe the church (God) is their only hope!). The enemy
likes to make young couples feel they would be so much happier and things
would be better IF they just quit going to church. After all he is going around
as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.

I personally do not believe that leaving the church, or changing churches
right now is the answer. My dear old pastor father used to say, "Just sit
steady in the boat".

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not unto thine own under-
standing. In all thy ways acknowledge HIM and HE SHALL direct thy paths.

The road of life is not a smooth easy , never no problems, walk. But it is a
road of ups and downs, but we don't have to walk it alone. There is ONE who
will not only walk WITH us, but will walk IN us. Going where we go, and being
whereever we are.

Falla39

[Falla39]

Originally Posted by RandyWayne;1014686[B

]I believe with all my heart that it is nearly always good for a young couple to leave their parents church and branch out. It is just another part of leaving the nest. It is one thing if you don't do this because their is no other obvious place to go but quite another if it is the mother-in-law wanting to keep her baby close to her.[/B]

The best thing we ever did was travel across the country a few years after getting married. Prior to that we walked out of my wife's church partially because of long deep family politics (hers) but mainly because of the pastors ridicules teachings on marital sex and procreation.

Now, RandyWayne, you might believe with all your heart anything, but that
does not make it so. If we had not had those who went before us to love and
encourage us, and advise and help us, I don't know where we would be today.
Because of those connected to God and each other, generation to generation,
we are going into our 6th generation of continuing apostolic truth.

I'm not talking about cookie cutter style, all being just alike, but living and
loving GOD and each other. And because of the LOVE of GOD being shed
abroad in our hearts BY THE HOLY GHOST, we continue!

Yes, you and your sweet wife may enjoy traveling, etc., just enjoying life as
YOU choose, but there will come a day when you are gone, what will be left
to show you ever lived. I know people that when they are gone, their lineage
is over. Their name, for the most part will end. My parents live on in the hearts,
minds and memories of their children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, who
now number well over 100 descendants. Yes, they live on.

They live on in our community where this couple, led and planted by God, over
50 yrs ago, came and stayed and raised their family, all eleven of their children
graduating from the local high school, several with high honors.

They live on in the hearts of others who joined them and their family in the
vineyard, planted the year their 11th child was born. Now over 50 yrs later
this vineyard is a refuge to many of his own family, plus others who came to
work in HIS VINEYARD. He never claimed it as his own, but the LORD'S!

Jesus said "Every plant that my Father hath not planted shall be rooted up".
Plants/trees that bear no fruit are usually pulled up.

The Bradford pear tree, in the spring, with its beautiful blossoms, is beautiful
to look at for a little while! But as far as being good for fruit, forget it. Little
knobby pears, not good for anything, brittle branches that break off and make
a mess. The roots cause plumbing (internal) problems, etc. But you look at that
knobby old Bartlett pear tree, bowed down, BUT laden with lucious, juicy fruit,
bearing over and over, year after year.

Yes, RandyWayne, just seperate the family, isolate them from the church, etc.
You may believe that with all of YOUR heart, but you will never convince me!
We've seen the proof!! GOD and FAMILY, traveling down the PATH of LIFE,
together! Yes, the children of Israel traveled together, but there were always
some in the company that stirred up rebellion, but not all of them did!

Prov.4:18
But the path of the just is as the shining light, that shineth more and more unto
the perfect day.

Falla39

See there, RW, you have gone and pushed another button!!
But I still love you!

[StillStanding]

Originally Posted by bcriswell86

Let me say, thanks for all your post. However, though every marriage has their spurts, ours didn't begin until my husband left the church. You see, I live in an area, where they are maybe 1, 2 if you are blessed apostolic churches in a 30 mile radius of one another, so jumping from church to church is definitely not a source of resolve. Our problem however lies in the fact that my husband came from a church in MS, where his uncle is pastor, and I was born into a church where my uncle is now pastor, when we married my husband left his church in MS. Though both churches are apostolic, founded on apostolic principles and Biblical truth---my husband finds fault in the way certain members of our church conduct themself when they aren't in the church, or the way some certain issues aren't dealt with from the pulpit, when it could possibly be that they are dealt with behind closed doors. Anyways, I have often told my husband, since we aren't or never have been in a vital part of the ministry of our church it is not our place to say anything, and it isn't. I think if there are problems with certain individuals it should be dealt with by the Pastor, not other members. With that being said, he pretty much thinks my church isn't good enough so that justifies him not going. I love him unconditionally, no doubt. But I do not believe my relationship with him is above my relationship with God. I'm not going to be standing in front of my husband on judgment day, but I will be standing before God. My husband is a completely different person now that he is out of church, so that is where the strain on the marriage comes in at. I'm sure that I have caused some of this too, but it's hard when you know you're supposed to be submissive to your husband but in the back of your mind you know that he isn't leading your family under the submission of the Holy Ghost or the will of God, but rather his carnal ways of thinking. It's hard to be supportive of my husband, when I know who he used to be and who he has become. He is giving money to beer and lottery and not the kingdom of God. I appreciate everyones post, and as someone mentioned, no one here knows my exact situation so i should take post with a grain of salt. Surely, God will bring my husband back to a place of conviction and repentance.

It's obvious that you are passionate about the Apostolic faith that was handed down to you. That's a good thing. When someone is confident that they have all the truth, it's very easy to be dismissive of other's perspective. I challenge you to listen to your husband and TRY to see things and understand from his perspective.

As mentioned before and by others, your marriage is more important than that particular church body. God first, family second, and church third.

I pray things work out for you.