Husband leaving the church. Very sad n stressed

[Free 2b Me!]

Hi everyone. This is my first post although I've been reading on these boards for awhile now. Here's my situation in a nut shell. About 4 years ago we started attending a new church. It was/is awesome compared to our old church. Old church was clique-ish and the pastor ruled with an iron fist..my way or the highway type church. I'm not just talking about disagreeing with standards and such but I mean you couldn't even tell a friend you were feeling down or needed help praying about something! Once I told another woman I felt lonely and ten minutes later the pastor calls yelling (yes yelling) at me because "I should not counsel with anyone except him!!" Wow! Needless to say after enduring 6 years of him tearing us down we finally got the nerve to leave. So fast forward to now. New church new people..where at first everyone always wanted to hang out with us..especially when my husband had a great job making lots more than he does now. We would go out to eat with everyone all the time, be invited over people's houses for dinner etc.Now it's like they've forgotten about my husband. I am very outgoing so I really don't have this problem. I feel very loved and like everyone is my family there. Him? Not so much. I feel everyone likes him but he has no real FRiENDS if you know what I mean. No guys ever call him to talk or to go do anything anymore like when we first came

He has went above and beyond to make himself available to them and would go with someone at the drop of a hat if they asked him to go somewhere with him. He's quite a handyman (cars, houses, pretty much everything) so they would call him to say bro s could you come fix this or help me w this or whatever and now he's tired of people "using him". He is the type that would give the shirt off his back to someone and has always been the one to help a friend when no one else would but it seems like after the car, house or whatever is fixed they go back to forgetting about him..

Today was Sunday and he woke up this morning and I said aren't you going to get ready? And he told me he wasn't gojng. I thought he was joking but nope.. He says he's not coming back because no one cares about him.. To make matters worse AFTER he said this and I let our pastor know I wouldn't be there this am the pastor called my phone -not my husbands�� I then had about 6
people call MY PHONE today to say they missed us but really only our pastor called him until later tonight when stuff really started to hit the fan and people realized we may not be coming back. Which he was then like "see they're only calling now bc he told them what was going on or to call".

I have noticed the past year or so that hardly anyone talks to him or takes to him like they do me. I don't know what to do since i do not want to go to church without my husband. I'd rather us find another church where we can both be happy at. This is our 3rd church we have been to in our married life of 10 years. There are kids involved, I'm the piano player at my church. So I am very involved. I don't want to be labeled as a "church hopper". It's just sooo depressing. He says now he is pretty much through with people. He's tired of us always being used and he especially doesn't want to end up at another church like our first two were (ultra-con, tattlers, people worshiping the pastor). Our church now would probably be considered moderate. None of us have a judge mental attitude and everyone is treated the same when they come in regardless of dress/money status.

I felt like when we came here third time was a charm and I love it here but I also don't know whether to just go anyways (which he wants me to keep going, he said he has hated to see me cry all day today) he would never keep us from going anyways. Or go somewhere else and hope he tags along. I don't know if he would go anywhere though because he said "why go when it will be the same anywhere else" I am starting to feel the same way. I don't know that we could find a church like ours around here since most all are ultra con (even upc)

there is one here in town that does preach truth but do not have a "dress code" most wear dresses but some women wear pants , men have beards etc. which that's a WHOLE "nuther" issue in itself. I have struggled hard with our standards (not really whether I am able to keep them but the effect it will have telling my children (don't wear pants, makeup, trim your hair etc when I'm not sure I even believe half of that!) I wear makeup, keep my hair trimmed, "henna" (natural dye) it, all that jazz so yeah:/ my husband has a beard now but our pastor preached against it which we don't agree with. If we went to another church it would have to be one that didn't preach against those thing. And yes I know sentences don't start with "and" aaaaannnnd that posting that makes us sound like rebellious church hoppers w itching ears (we aren't) aaaand I'm rambling so I'll end this now for yalls sake.

Well thanks for being my therapy for tonight .. How much do I owe y'all?
*** whole forum smiles and nods saying "I seeee"*** lol

Any suggestions?

[good samaritan]

I can relate to some of what your husband feels. I have felt used by church people for years. I am skilled at multiple trades and many times I have felt that people have taken advantage of that also. I have never allowed cliques to bother me though, I have always been kind of a loner by nature. Here is the thing. You said you have kids. Sometimes we have times that the weight of things get tough, but you must press along. No offense intended at all and I don't want to add insult to injury, but sometimes as the spiritual leader you must wait on the Lord. If your husband hasn't burnt any bridges I would suggest that he continue and hold at and pray until he get an answer.

There are times where God will move you, but to quit going until something else opens up will cause an instability for you and your children that could haunt you for years to come. Church is about relationship and it is very important to connect and if your church can't satisfy that then you probably need somewhere you both can, but on the flip side you are going to have difficult times any where. I know you as a wife have probably got to be careful not to seem too challenging with your husband. Personally in my low times as a husband my wife has had difficulty communicating with me, but pray and encourage him anyway you can. My prayers go out to you.

[Sean]

Sis, my wife and I bailed on Church a couple of years ago after 33 years of constant attendance and ministry. We have not decided what to do yet and have the same "church hopper" thoughts.
We are well grounded in our faith and just needed a little time to sort some stuff out.
We will probably visit churches for a while with prayerful consideration of where the next congregation is for us to call home.
Why dont you guys just visit random churches without a commitment?(get to know a few strangers and shake a few hands).
Our future congregation must be the perfect will of God for us this next time. We are not in a hurry to join anything now.
What we are doing is not for everyone though,
many folks end up walking away from their faith when they take a sabbatical, thus they should find fellowship no matter what.
I recommend a church with decent standards preached though. They(standards) are in a way, connected to our walk with God.(my wife and I keep our standards, church or no church).



There is absolutely nothing wrong with visiting random churches without a commitment at all!

[Esaias]

You need to have a talk with your husband, and let him know he is the spiritual head of the family under Christ and he needs to get busy leading. He is RESPONSIBLE for seeing to it you and your children are led by the Word. Thus he must lead by precept AND EXAMPLE in Bible reading/study, prayer, and worship.

Start having family worship like Christians have historically and biblically done. Then you won't view church as something that exists to "meet your needs" but rather as something you can truly contribute to by meeting others' needs.

Your children need to see that you as a family will follow God's Word regardless of where the chips fall. That is far more important than teaching them that truth takes a back seat to personal desires for social interactions.

[Sweet Pea]

Originally Posted by Esaias

You need to have a talk with your husband, and let him know he is the spiritual head of the family under Christ and he needs to get busy leading. He is RESPONSIBLE for seeing to it you and your children are led by the Word. Thus he must lead by precept AND EXAMPLE in Bible reading/study, prayer, and worship.

Start having family worship like Christians have historically and biblically done. Then you won't view church as something that exists to "meet your needs" but rather as something you can truly contribute to by meeting others' needs.

Your children need to see that you as a family will follow God's Word regardless of where the chips fall. That is far more important than teaching them that truth takes a back seat to personal desires for social interactions.

Excuse me????? There is a way to prayerfully approach this situation regarding the spiritual leadership. But to tell someone you don't know, "you need to have a talk and tell....." You don't know his personality, you don't know what type of leadership he has been offering (or not offering). It sounds like he isn't a "new" believer. He's been around the block a time or two - I'm sure that he already has heard that he is the spiritual leader of the home. He doesn't need her to lay down the law or give him ultimatums regarding what he "needs" to do. Obviously he is battling in his own walk with God. We have no idea (and she may not either) exactly what spiritual battles are going on his mind that have made him say and do what he did yesterday. He certainly doesn't need his wife, his helpmeet to make him feel guilty about this.

As the wife of someone who isn't particularly outgoing - someone who doesn't make friends easily, I can somewhat identify with where she is coming from. Also, it appears that there are several dynamics at work in this situation.

1) She indicates that there has been a loss of income. As a man, he may be feeling inadequate in this. Has she made him feel less of a man because he doesn't provide in the same lifestyle that he once did? It can happen unintentionally and very subtlety without even realizing that she is harming him emotionally.

2) She indicated that they went out to eat with the other couple and were available whenever they were asked. The question is, how often did they initiate the fellowship? Did they always wait to be asked? Also, if the other couples are aware of the loss of income, it may be that they have refrained from encouraging this family to "go out to eat" for fear of embarrassing them or causing them financial hardship.

There are other things that come to mind, but this is my unsolicited advice. To the OP: Okay, you stayed home yesterday because you were somewhat in shock at his attitude and his comments. From this point on, if I were you:

I would continue attending the same church (yes, even without him, you'd be surprised at the times he may get up and get ready when he sees you and the children are going). At this point in time, your children need stability. If people ask where your husband is, just tell them, "he's going through some things right now." They don't need all the gory details or a woe is me story about how no one is his friend. People who are out-going and make friends easily don't understand how hard it can be for an introvert and they often will have a "he just needs to grow up" attitude. If you have a couple of close friends that you can TRUST, friends that you trust their loyalty as well as their spiritual walk, ask them for prayer for your family. Again, you don't need to give all the details, unless YOU are impressed by God to do so.

Pick out 2 or 3 couples that it appeared he had common interests and/or the beginning of some type of bond before he began to feel isolated. Pray abut it - asking the Lord who would be the best influence for your family. YOU take the initiative, invite them over. Have a BBQ - everyone bring their own meat, you supply the side dishes. Have a game night at your home, everyone to bring a favorite finger food. Don't wait on other people to take the initiative. Scripture teaches "a man that hath friends must show himself friendly." I was taught that meant being hospitable.

Now - yes, at some point, you will want to sit down with your husband and discuss his role in the spiritual leadership of your home. He is the priest of your home, but he won't take that role by you nagging or hounding him to do so. Spend time in prayer and fasting for your husband before you talk with him. Ask the Lord to go before you and prepare his heart for what you have to say. Ask the Lord to give you the words that you should speak. Bless your husband, pray for him every day, trusting and believing that God will work a miracle in his mind and heart. Ask the Lord to give YOU guidance, direction and to change you into the wife and mother that He wants you to be.

Personally, I don't think that changing churches is the answer. There will be a honeymoon period and then right back to where you are now. You have formed a bond with the saints and pastor of the church you are now attending and as I stated earlier, your children need stability. Moving from one church to another doesn't offer that stability. Will there come a day when (as a family) you need to change church - very possible. However, changing in the midst of a trial or spiritual battle isn't the answer. You cannot run from what is bothering your husband, it will only follow you.

[Esaias]

Originally Posted by Sweet Pea

Excuse me????? There is a way to prayerfully approach this situation regarding the spiritual leadership. But to tell someone you don't know, "you need to have a talk and tell....." You don't know his personality, you don't know what type of leadership he has been offering (or not offering). It sounds like he isn't a "new" believer. He's been around the block a time or two - I'm sure that he already has heard that he is the spiritual leader of the home. He doesn't need her to lay down the law or give him ultimatums regarding what he "needs" to do. Obviously he is battling in his own walk with God. We have no idea (and she may not either) exactly what spiritual battles are going on his mind that have made him say and do what he did yesterday. He certainly doesn't need his wife, his helpmeet to make him feel guilty about this.

You are excused! Although I have no idea why a woman would be opposed to a woman telling her husband he is the spiritual head of their house and that she wants him to lead them in family bible reading, prayer, and worship...

[Sweet Pea]

Originally Posted by Esaias

You are excused! Although I have no idea why a woman would be opposed to a woman telling her husband he is the spiritual head of their house and that she wants him to lead them in family bible reading, prayer, and worship...

I think you totally missed my point. I am not opposed to her talking to her husband and letting him know that she wants him to be the spiritual leader of the home .... etc etc etc. There is nothing like the peace and joy when your husband IS leading the home as the spiritual leader.

However, if you read my entire post, there is a way that it can be handled without tearing him down and making him feel like he has been a failure in that department. Maybe I misunderstood your comment. It came across to me as: TELL him - to me it came across in a accusing manner. I'm sorry if I misunderstood you.

However, the way it came across to me reminded me of a saint in old-time Pentecost about the time TVs first came out. She attended church faithfully, her husband did not. He bought a TV and then shortly after that at a General Conference the stand was taken against TV. After it was preached in the home church, the saint went to the pastor (a female pastor... ) and told her that the husband had purchased one and brought it into the home. That dear old pastor said: "Well, Sister _ _ _ _ , you just need to put your foot down and tell him to sell it and get rid of that ungodly thing." The wise old saint looked the pastor straight in the eye and said.... "Well, I can put my foot down, but I'll be picking it right back up." True story!

So - yes, I agree that she needs to talk to him about these things, but I think it should be done after much prayer and asking the Lord to go before her and prepare his heart to receive it. And asking the Lord to give her the right words to say.

JMHO - Blessings to you!

[CC1]

Originally Posted by Sweet Pea

Excuse me????? There is a way to prayerfully approach this situation regarding the spiritual leadership. But to tell someone you don't know, "you need to have a talk and tell....." You don't know his personality, you don't know what type of leadership he has been offering (or not offering). It sounds like he isn't a "new" believer. He's been around the block a time or two - I'm sure that he already has heard that he is the spiritual leader of the home. He doesn't need her to lay down the law or give him ultimatums regarding what he "needs" to do. Obviously he is battling in his own walk with God. We have no idea (and she may not either) exactly what spiritual battles are going on his mind that have made him say and do what he did yesterday. He certainly doesn't need his wife, his helpmeet to make him feel guilty about this.

As the wife of someone who isn't particularly outgoing - someone who doesn't make friends easily, I can somewhat identify with where she is coming from. Also, it appears that there are several dynamics at work in this situation.

1) She indicates that there has been a loss of income. As a man, he may be feeling inadequate in this. Has she made him feel less of a man because he doesn't provide in the same lifestyle that he once did? It can happen unintentionally and very subtlety without even realizing that she is harming him emotionally.

2) She indicated that they went out to eat with the other couple and were available whenever they were asked. The question is, how often did they initiate the fellowship? Did they always wait to be asked? Also, if the other couples are aware of the loss of income, it may be that they have refrained from encouraging this family to "go out to eat" for fear of embarrassing them or causing them financial hardship.

There are other things that come to mind, but this is my unsolicited advice. To the OP: Okay, you stayed home yesterday because you were somewhat in shock at his attitude and his comments. From this point on, if I were you:

I would continue attending the same church (yes, even without him, you'd be surprised at the times he may get up and get ready when he sees you and the children are going). At this point in time, your children need stability. If people ask where your husband is, just tell them, "he's going through some things right now." They don't need all the gory details or a woe is me story about how no one is his friend. People who are out-going and make friends easily don't understand how hard it can be for an introvert and they often will have a "he just needs to grow up" attitude. If you have a couple of close friends that you can TRUST, friends that you trust their loyalty as well as their spiritual walk, ask them for prayer for your family. Again, you don't need to give all the details, unless YOU are impressed by God to do so.

Pick out 2 or 3 couples that it appeared he had common interests and/or the beginning of some type of bond before he began to feel isolated. Pray abut it - asking the Lord who would be the best influence for your family. YOU take the initiative, invite them over. Have a BBQ - everyone bring their own meat, you supply the side dishes. Have a game night at your home, everyone to bring a favorite finger food. Don't wait on other people to take the initiative. Scripture teaches "a man that hath friends must show himself friendly." I was taught that meant being hospitable.

Now - yes, at some point, you will want to sit down with your husband and discuss his role in the spiritual leadership of your home. He is the priest of your home, but he won't take that role by you nagging or hounding him to do so. Spend time in prayer and fasting for your husband before you talk with him. Ask the Lord to go before you and prepare his heart for what you have to say. Ask the Lord to give you the words that you should speak. Bless your husband, pray for him every day, trusting and believing that God will work a miracle in his mind and heart. Ask the Lord to give YOU guidance, direction and to change you into the wife and mother that He wants you to be.

Personally, I don't think that changing churches is the answer. There will be a honeymoon period and then right back to where you are now. You have formed a bond with the saints and pastor of the church you are now attending and as I stated earlier, your children need stability. Moving from one church to another doesn't offer that stability. Will there come a day when (as a family) you need to change church - very possible. However, changing in the midst of a trial or spiritual battle isn't the answer. You cannot run from what is bothering your husband, it will only follow you.

You can ditto me on this excellent post. It covers pretty much all of the main points that hit me when I read the original post in this thread.

I was a little shocked that the first Sunday the husband says he is not going to church the wife also stays home herself. Good grief! He may have had just a particularly bad week and it had all come down on him and he needed a Sunday off to reflect. The wife in following along in blowing off church did not make sense to me.

I also think the money situation that was briefly alluded to probably plays a bigger part in this in some way or ways that was not covered in the original post. As Sweetpea says money problems can effect a family greatly. Particularly a man whose self worth and ego are tied up with his ability to provide for his family (at least in men who are not lazy bums!). Financial problems alone can cause depression that magnifies every real or perceived wrong a person endures.

[Esphes45]

Originally Posted by Esaias

You need to have a talk with your husband, and let him know he is the spiritual head of the family under Christ and he needs to get busy leading. He is RESPONSIBLE for seeing to it you and your children are led by the Word. Thus he must lead by precept AND EXAMPLE in Bible reading/study, prayer, and worship.

Start having family worship like Christians have historically and biblically done. Then you won't view church as something that exists to "meet your needs" but rather as something you can truly contribute to by meeting others' needs.

Your children need to see that you as a family will follow God's Word regardless of where the chips fall. That is far more important than teaching them that truth takes a back seat to personal desires for social interactions.

[good samaritan]

Originally Posted by Sean

Sis, my wife and I bailed on Church a couple of years ago after 33 years of constant attendance and ministry. We have not decided what to do yet and have the same "church hopper" thoughts.
We are well grounded in our faith and just needed a little time to sort some stuff out.
We will probably visit churches for a while with prayerful consideration of where the next congregation is for us to call home.
Why dont you guys just visit random churches without a commitment?(get to know a few strangers and shake a few hands).
Our future congregation must be the perfect will of God for us this next time. We are not in a hurry to join anything now.
What we are doing is not for everyone though,
many folks end up walking away from their faith when they take a sabbatical, thus they should find fellowship no matter what.
I recommend a church with decent standards preached though. They(standards) are in a way, connected to our walk with God.(my wife and I keep our standards, church or no church).



There is absolutely nothing wrong with visiting random churches without a commitment at all!

I agree with Sean about trying out a church before making a move, but I think there needs to be better closure then just leaving. I am a pastor to a church and I am accountable to the people who I serve. I am not domineering and I want people to freely make their own choices, but at the same time people need to communicate. We should not just up and leave without giving the spiritual leader or leaders a chance to bring about some kind of reconciliation. Even in the secular world it is frowned on to quit a job without notice. Your church family is supposed to be people who you love and not just some employer. You may be surprised of the chain reaction caused by church decisions. Don't you think that God cares where you go to church? Church has been made to be too much about a place to be served rather than being a body of believers with the purpose of serving others. By all means if there is somewhere else that would be more purposeful for a person to be then go, but let it be done decently and in order. Jesus didn't leave things undone when He left this earth. I was hurt at the last church I attended before pastoring now, and I went on 2 years after the offenses. I have found blessing from my previous brothers and sisters in the Lord because I have burned no bridges. The pastor from my previous church who I struggled not to be resentful has became a close friend. This morning he texts me, out of the blue, which is not the usual thing and he said he is praying for my church that we have revival today. Tonight my nine year old son was filled with the baptism of the Holy Ghost for the first time. Don't take this decision lightly. Problems are everywhere we must be found faithful.