Nahkoe,
I think that your experiences in life have caused all this. IMO, you need to control something because you couldn't control events of the past. So you fight this because it is something out of your control.
I've been there. Reason why I was, well you know, for so many years. I needed to feel like I was in the captain's chair because so much had taken place in my childhood that was out of my hands.
I know what it's like to be guarded with God, because so many people that I were supposed to trust have hurt me. I can't trust man and I'm supposed o trust God????
I am so grateful that that part of my life is over with. I'm almost completely stable.
Should I have taken this to PM?? Did I miss the mark? I've missed it a time or two.
Love you,
berk