Emotional affair

I am curious as to why this happens so frequently. Why is it that the man is usually married - may or may not be a Pastor/ Leadership position? Is it a challenge for the woman if he is married? Is it a challenge for the man not to get caught, so to speak? Why is it that they don't supposely know what they're doing until it is too late?

[A_PoMo]

Originally Posted by Sissy

I am curious as to why this happens so frequently. Why is it that the man is usually married - may or may not be a Pastor/ Leadership position? Is it a challenge for the woman if he is married? Is it a challenge for the man not to get caught, so to speak? Why is it that they don't supposely know what they're doing until it is too late?

From what I understand they're usually both in a place of vulnerability. The one that is married (it could be both of them) usually is in a troubled marriage and does not feel loved/respected and the other person meets that need (usually inadvertently) and the connection is made. People in ministry are more prone to this simply because they are more often in positions where people are baring their souls to them and these emotional connections are more apt to happen during those times of emotional revealing and trust. Often times a woman can, through the baring of her soul, connect with a man without meaningto because she wants something out of relationships that he's craving and isn't getting at home so he then desires this from her. He's giving her attention and listening and trying to help her so she feels loved and wants more. They begin, unknowingly, to become dependent on each other for these needs and it progresses from there to something more serious. Oftentimes this happens in an instant and neither of them, especially if they're not knowledeable about emotional dynamics between men and women, understand or perceive what is happening between them emotionally. They make that connection accidentally and it takes a concious effort on one or both of their parts, if they finally realize the error of their ways, to break the connection, assuming they even recognize what happened. Often times they're eyeballs deep in emotion before they realize what's happened and the stronger the emotion the more difficult it is to think and act from the basis of principles. The most insane decisions people make are ones they make from their emotions. The longer both have been without this emotional input the harder and faster they fall and the harder it is to disengage. These are emotional needs, not wants. Thus if you don't get this need attended to you can push it off for a long time and suppress it but eventually you will find ways to meet that need in yourself, even in something as destructive as an emotional affair. At some point you find something that triggers that need and if you're not careful you can easily lose control of yourself as you soak up the emotion like a shriveled, dried sponge sucks in water. That's why those who know about this stuff say that emotional affairs are more difficult to overcome than primarily phsyical ones, especially for men.

[Tyk]

Christ taught on the condition of the heart.

What do you think Jesus would say if you asked him? Does it uphold honor? The Vow you took? Faithfulness? Is it Wise? Would you openly admit to your brothers, sisters, and pastor and yes wife, the situation with no guilt? Is wrong is the eyes of God the same is Sin?

[A_PoMo]

Originally Posted by Tyk

Christ taught on the condition of the heart.

What do you think Jesus would say if you asked him? Does it uphold honor? The Vow you took? Faithfulness? Is it Wise? Would you openly admit to your brothers, sisters, and pastor and yes wife, the situation with no guilt? Is wrong is the eyes of God the same is Sin?

I don't think anybody is arguing that an emotional affair isn't wrong. We all agree that it's wrong. I think the original question was is it adultery as defined in the Bible?

[Aquila]

I don’t think it’s “adultery” unless physical romance or the actual desire for physical romance begins. It’s definitely a symptom of a marriage that’s slowly dying.

For example, let’s consider a hypothetical story of a married couple named Jack and Diane, just two American kids growing up in the heartland….

Jack works full time and pulls overtime when he can. He’s involved at church and is even taking college classes here and there. Diane works too as sales support in a major corporation. Jack is under a lot of stress. He just can’t seem to get ahead in his job, though he’s pouring as much as he can into it. He felt a call to preach but getting permission to fulfill that calling seems to be like the day that never comes. He can preach circles around his peers and even many twice his age…but instead of this helping him…it’s also his greatest curse. His studies aren’t going all that well either. So he drops out of school. He dedicates himself to work and church believing that God’s “going to open that door”. His wife believes in him…looks up to him…and has prepared her heart to go anywhere and do anything for the kingdom. They’ve even repeatedly been told that the call on their life is obvious. Days, months, years roll by….they’re stagnant and have gone nowhere in spite of all the prayer, consecration and their time, effort, and participation at church. Jack becomes bitter, distrusting of ministry, feeling like a failure, feeling rejected, and is essentially in a deep depression. He finds his only “outlet” for the spiritual fire burning in his bones to be Apostolic online forums. There he can share the truth, debate the things he has questions about, share what he sees as possibilities, and he feels like somehow, he can be what he was meant to be out in cyberspace. Diane has also lost faith. She’s lost faith in the church as she’s seen her husband sidelined at every turn in spite of their efforts and sacrifice. She’s lost faith in her husband because he’s lost faith in himself. When they were young and married the prophesies were pouring forth and they both had grand dreams of ministering together. Ahhh….but he’s just a bum. She got a bad bill of goods when she married him. He just never got the breaks some guys seem to get. Maybe he never had what it takes and everyone was just lying to him. If the prophesies were true, it was obviously God playing a cruel trick on them to teach some object lesson to those he’s actually chosen. When home together they don’t even sit in the same rooms except when sleeping. He’s always in the den on the computer typing away, “clickity, clackity, clickity, clackity”. She sits on the couch wilting wishing she had his affection, wishing things were the way they used to be when they were full of hope and ambition. Doors are opening on her job. She’s moving up fast really. Making contacts, friends, networking. She knows people, successful people. Bright people. Optimistic people. She meets Stan. He’s a district sales supervisor. The man makes three or four times as much as her husband. He’s smart, educated, successful, positive. He also goes out of his way to hear her. She begins to feel an “office crush” on him. She talks to a few friends about it at work and they giggle at the girl talk. Sure, she thinks about Stan…but she has no intention on ever acting on those thoughts. She loves her husband, she hates the person he’s become. Meanwhile the car’s breaking down and her husband’s yelling about how they can’t afford to get it fixed. He’s facing possible layoffs now. His dreams are shattered and his tone always shows it. When he speaks to her it cuts like a knife. But when Stan speaks to her she feels….good and hopeful. She becomes Stan’s administrative assistant and is showing promise of being elevated to regional sales. She’s got the goods…she can’t help it…but she’s starting to feel like her husband’s dead weight. In all honesty, she’s right. She doesn’t plan on leaving her husband. She loves her husband. But she has taken all she can take about the situation. She lives for her work world where she’s successful and where a real man makes her feel good about herself and life in general. Their relationship never gets physical…but they’re close. Real close. Her husband finds out and goes ballistic. Now he’s hurt, paranoid, doesn’t trust her, things get verbally abusive and both are talking divorce though neither want it. He demands she quit her job, she’s unwilling. Like a bird upon the wind, that career is her sky. While they love each other, circumstances have become such that staying together could destroy them both. But they’re trying….seeking outside counseling for objective advice. Now he’s feeling like some crazy smothering jealous husband….and doesn’t even trust his own emotions. He’s staring into the mirror at night asking himself, “Am I going crazy?”; pleading, “God, what did I do wrong?” Sometimes he just thinks about taking every pill in the medicine cabinet, slip into bed next to his wife like it’s a normal night, tell her he loves her. Embrace her….and then slowly die in the night with her in his arms; her closeness and warmth his last memory. Fade to black.

Where did the “emotional affair” start? Could it have started here?..…

When home together they don’t even sit in the same rooms except when sleeping. He’s always in the den on the computer typing away, “clickity, clackity, clickety, clackity”. She sits on the couch wilting… wishing she had his affection, his attention, wishing things were the way they used to be when they were full of hope and ambition.

Her husband neglected her. The affair began with him and his online affirmation quest. Was he doing anything immoral? No. He was talking about the Lord most of the night. But he wasn’t talking to her. And that caused her to have to find what she needed in someone else. Sure, it’s easy to accuse her. It’s easy to judge her. But he was putting her through Hades and neglecting her emotional needs. He’s the sinner. That’s why God rejected him.

[Jack Shephard]

Originally Posted by Aquila

I don’t think it’s “adultery” unless physical romance or the actual desire for physical romance begins. It’s definitely a symptom of a marriage that’s slowly dying.

For example, let’s consider a hypothetical story of a married couple named Jack and Diane, just two American kids growing up in the heartland….

Jack works full time and pulls overtime when he can. He’s involved at church and is even taking college classes here and there. Diane works too as sales support in a major corporation. Jack is under a lot of stress. He just can’t seem to get ahead in his job, though he’s pouring as much as he can into it. He felt a call to preach but getting permission to fulfill that calling seems to be like the day that never comes. He can preach circles around his peers and even many twice his age…but instead of this helping him…it’s also his greatest curse. His studies aren’t going all that well either. So he drops out of school. He dedicates himself to work and church believing that God’s “going to open that door”. His wife believes in him…looks up to him…and has prepared her heart to go anywhere and do anything for the kingdom. They’ve even repeatedly been told that the call on their life is obvious. Days, months, years roll by….they’re stagnant and have gone nowhere in spite of all the prayer, consecration and their time, effort, and participation at church. Jack becomes bitter, distrusting of ministry, feeling like a failure, feeling rejected, and is essentially in a deep depression. He finds his only “outlet” for the spiritual fire burning in his bones to be Apostolic online forums. There he can share the truth, debate the things he has questions about, share what he sees as possibilities, and he feels like somehow, he can be what he was meant to be out in cyberspace. Diane has also lost faith. She’s lost faith in the church as she’s seen her husband sidelined at every turn in spite of their efforts and sacrifice. She’s lost faith in her husband because he’s lost faith in himself. When they were young and married the prophesies were pouring forth and they both had grand dreams of ministering together. Ahhh….but he’s just a bum. She got a bad bill of goods when she married him. He just never got the breaks some guys seem to get. Maybe he never had what it takes and everyone was just lying to him. If the prophesies were true, it was obviously God playing a cruel trick on them to teach some object lesson to those he’s actually chosen. When home together they don’t even sit in the same rooms except when sleeping. He’s always in the den on the computer typing away, “clickity, clackity, clickity, clackity”. She sits on the couch wilting wishing she had his affection, wishing things were the way they used to be when they were full of hope and ambition. Doors are opening on her job. She’s moving up fast really. Making contacts, friends, networking. She knows people, successful people. Bright people. Optimistic people. She meets Stan. He’s a district sales supervisor. The man makes three or four times as much as her husband. He’s smart, educated, successful, positive. He also goes out of his way to hear her. She begins to feel an “office crush” on him. She talks to a few friends about it at work and they giggle at the girl talk. Sure, she thinks about Stan…but she has no intention on ever acting on those thoughts, loves her husband, she hates the person he’s become. Meanwhile the car’s breaking down and her husband’s yelling about how they can’t afford to get it fixed. He’s facing possible layoffs now. His dreams are shattered and his tone always shows it. When he speaks to her it cuts like a knife. But when Stan speaks to her she feels….good and hopeful. She becomes Stan’s administrative assistant and is showing promise of being elevated to regional sales. She’s got the goods…she can’t help it…but she’s starting to feel like her husband’s dead weight. In all honesty, she’s right. She doesn’t plan on leaving her husband. She loves her husband. But she has taken all she can take about the situation. She lives for her work world where she’s successful and where a real man makes her feel good about herself and life in general. Their relationship never gets physical…but they’re close. Real close. Her husband finds out and goes ballistic. Now he’s hurt, paranoid, doesn’t trust her, things get verbally abusive and both are talking divorce though neither want it. He demands she quit her job, she’s unwilling. Like a bird upon the wind, that career is her sky. While they love each other, circumstances have become such that staying together could destroy them both. But they’re trying….seeking outside counseling for objective advice. Now he’s feeling like some crazy smothering jealous husband….and doesn’t even trust his own emotions. He’s staring into the mirror at night asking himself, “Am I going crazy?”; pleading, “God, what did I do wrong?” Sometimes he just thinks about taking every pill in the medicine cabinet, slip into bed next to his wife like it’s a normal night, tell her he loves her. Embrace her….and then slowly die in the night with her in his arms; her closeness and warmth his last memory. Fade to black.

Where did the “emotional affair” start? Could it have started here?..…

When home together they don’t even sit in the same rooms except when sleeping. He’s always in the den on the computer typing away, “clickity, clackity, clickety, clackity”. She sits on the couch wilting… wishing she had his affection, his attention, wishing things were the way they used to be when they were full of hope and ambition.

Her husband neglected her. The affair began with him and his online affirmation quest. Was he doing anything immoral? No. He was talking about the Lord most of the night. But he wasn’t talking to her. And that caused her to have to find what she needed in someone else. Sure, it’s easy to accuse her. It’s easy to judge her. But he was putting her through Hades and neglecting her emotional needs. He’s the sinner. That’s why God rejected him.

I am not sure it matters 'when' it starts, but that one is going on at all...I think an emotional affair is more serious than a strict physical one. I have know husbands and wives that forgave a spouse for a physical affair, but have seen families torn up over emotional ones. i.e. people addicted to porn is an emotional thing more than physical IMO and this can rip a family up more than a spouse cheating on the other again IMO.

[A_PoMo]

Originally Posted by Aquila

I don’t think it’s “adultery” unless physical romance or the actual desire for physical romance begins. It’s definitely a symptom of a marriage that’s slowly dying.

For example, let’s consider a hypothetical story of a married couple named Jack and Diane, just two American kids growing up in the heartland….

Jack works full time and pulls overtime when he can. He’s involved at church and is even taking college classes here and there. Diane works too as sales support in a major corporation. Jack is under a lot of stress. He just can’t seem to get ahead in his job, though he’s pouring as much as he can into it. He felt a call to preach but getting permission to fulfill that calling seems to be like the day that never comes. He can preach circles around his peers and even many twice his age…but instead of this helping him…it’s also his greatest curse. His studies aren’t going all that well either. So he drops out of school. He dedicates himself to work and church believing that God’s “going to open that door”. His wife believes in him…looks up to him…and has prepared her heart to go anywhere and do anything for the kingdom. They’ve even repeatedly been told that the call on their life is obvious. Days, months, years roll by….they’re stagnant and have gone nowhere in spite of all the prayer, consecration and their time, effort, and participation at church. Jack becomes bitter, distrusting of ministry, feeling like a failure, feeling rejected, and is essentially in a deep depression. He finds his only “outlet” for the spiritual fire burning in his bones to be Apostolic online forums. There he can share the truth, debate the things he has questions about, share what he sees as possibilities, and he feels like somehow, he can be what he was meant to be out in cyberspace. Diane has also lost faith. She’s lost faith in the church as she’s seen her husband sidelined at every turn in spite of their efforts and sacrifice. She’s lost faith in her husband because he’s lost faith in himself. When they were young and married the prophesies were pouring forth and they both had grand dreams of ministering together. Ahhh….but he’s just a bum. She got a bad bill of goods when she married him. He just never got the breaks some guys seem to get. Maybe he never had what it takes and everyone was just lying to him. If the prophesies were true, it was obviously God playing a cruel trick on them to teach some object lesson to those he’s actually chosen. When home together they don’t even sit in the same rooms except when sleeping. He’s always in the den on the computer typing away, “clickity, clackity, clickity, clackity”. She sits on the couch wilting wishing she had his affection, wishing things were the way they used to be when they were full of hope and ambition. Doors are opening on her job. She’s moving up fast really. Making contacts, friends, networking. She knows people, successful people. Bright people. Optimistic people. She meets Stan. He’s a district sales supervisor. The man makes three or four times as much as her husband. He’s smart, educated, successful, positive. He also goes out of his way to hear her. She begins to feel an “office crush” on him. She talks to a few friends about it at work and they giggle at the girl talk. Sure, she thinks about Stan…but she has no intention on ever acting on those thoughts. She loves her husband, she hates the person he’s become. Meanwhile the car’s breaking down and her husband’s yelling about how they can’t afford to get it fixed. He’s facing possible layoffs now. His dreams are shattered and his tone always shows it. When he speaks to her it cuts like a knife. But when Stan speaks to her she feels….good and hopeful. She becomes Stan’s administrative assistant and is showing promise of being elevated to regional sales. She’s got the goods…she can’t help it…but she’s starting to feel like her husband’s dead weight. In all honesty, she’s right. She doesn’t plan on leaving her husband. She loves her husband. But she has taken all she can take about the situation. She lives for her work world where she’s successful and where a real man makes her feel good about herself and life in general. Their relationship never gets physical…but they’re close. Real close. Her husband finds out and goes ballistic. Now he’s hurt, paranoid, doesn’t trust her, things get verbally abusive and both are talking divorce though neither want it. He demands she quit her job, she’s unwilling. Like a bird upon the wind, that career is her sky. While they love each other, circumstances have become such that staying together could destroy them both. But they’re trying….seeking outside counseling for objective advice. Now he’s feeling like some crazy smothering jealous husband….and doesn’t even trust his own emotions. He’s staring into the mirror at night asking himself, “Am I going crazy?”; pleading, “God, what did I do wrong?” Sometimes he just thinks about taking every pill in the medicine cabinet, slip into bed next to his wife like it’s a normal night, tell her he loves her. Embrace her….and then slowly die in the night with her in his arms; her closeness and warmth his last memory. Fade to black.

Where did the “emotional affair” start? Could it have started here?..…

When home together they don’t even sit in the same rooms except when sleeping. He’s always in the den on the computer typing away, “clickity, clackity, clickety, clackity”. She sits on the couch wilting… wishing she had his affection, his attention, wishing things were the way they used to be when they were full of hope and ambition.

Her husband neglected her. The affair began with him and his online affirmation quest. Was he doing anything immoral? No. He was talking about the Lord most of the night. But he wasn’t talking to her. And that caused her to have to find what she needed in someone else. Sure, it’s easy to accuse her. It’s easy to judge her. But he was putting her through Hades and neglecting her emotional needs. He’s the sinner. That’s why God rejected him.

This is a very revealing expose' of what I am sure is true in many lives, not just those in ministry.

However, I wouldn't be too harsh on him and say he's rejected by God. Obviously there is an emotional need he has that isn't being met. Now, we could argue as to whether or not that need is a healthy on or not, I'd argue that it's not a healthy one and it should be dealt with. Any person who enters ministry for the affirmation of others is in huge trouble from the start. Perhaps those that discipled him over the years neglected their responsiblities in that regard. Instead of prophesying over him perhaps they should have been counseling him and maybe he would have had the emotional health and balance to do something more productive.

Calling to ministry does not equate to qualification for ministry. Too often we allow people to minister based on their calling but neglect to see if they are indeed spiritually and emotionally qualified to do the job. As a result there are way too many ministers (and their wives) who are ministering with glaring character flaws and immense emotional incapacity with issues relating to anger, arrogance, egomania, and other emotionally crippling issues.

Sure, it's easy to have sympathy (or empathy) for her and her understandable attraction to her boss. But, she (like her husband) is making an immature decision based on emotion and not based on Word principle. In marriage love is a decision of commitment, not just an emotion. We are admonished in scripture to love and respect our mates irregardless of whether it's reciprocated. But in some apostolic circles feelings and emotion trumps truth and righteousness and these people have bought into that error and their lives are proof of it's unhealthy approach to spirituality and life (as me how I know!).

In this story I see tragedy. I see two people who are living their lives according to unbiblical paradigms of love, marriage, and self-worth. I would guess they inherited those unbiblical life views from their religious environment. They're bound by bad thinking and need to be set free. Know the truth, and the truth will set you free. Knowing the truth means they have to be honest and ask the tough "Why?" questions and peel back the onion layers of their soul and allow God to change them. That's true discipleship.

"The Emotionally Healthy Church" and "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" by Pete Scazzero would be a good place to start in the healing process, imo.

Please understand, while it may seem like I'm judging Jack and Diane, I'm not. Most of what I say here, in terms of emotional immaturity due to unbalanced and unhealthy paradigms, is the voice of personal experience speaking. So I am not in any position to judge.

Since John Cougar Mellencamp is present in this story I considered making a joke about about in this marriage Jack would probably become a john and Diane a cougar if they didn't work it out...but I couldn't think of a funny inference to Mellencamp so I let it go.

[Aquila]

I think it matters if they plan on working through it.

Honestly, I think you're right on a lot there. I personally could forgive a strictly physical affair or even my spouse using adult entertainment. For me the emotional affair is worse even without physical relations. Because I'd be knowing that she's closer to an "actual person" of the opposite gender, spending time with them, laughing with them, connecting to them, leaving me behind.

[rgcraig]

Okay, and the reason that I feel that an emotional affair is adultery is because you give the private emotional side of yourself to someone other than your spouse. There are deep ties to knowing someone like that.

The physical part of a relationship can be non-emotional, detached - just sex, however, when the emotions are involved it's a deeper commitment. So, to me an emotional affair without the sex can be considered adultery too because of the feelings involved.

[Jack Shephard]

Originally Posted by rgcraig

Okay, and the reason that I feel that an emotional affair is adultery is because you give the private emotional side of yourself to someone other than your spouse. There are deep ties to knowing someone like that.

The physical part of a relationship can be non-emotional, detached - just sex, however, when the emotions are involved it's a deeper commitment. So, to me an emotional affair without the sex can be considered adultery too because of the feelings involved.

What about if it is with the same sex, but not sexual in anyway? Such as you become very close to a girlfriend and or a guy that is a friend, but in no way is it sexual at all. What do you think then? I have my answer but want to know yours.