Emotional affair

[jaxfam6]

Originally Posted by gloryseeker

Do you define lust as only a sexual desire? Isn't lust just "desire"? If that is the case then the development of "affection" is birthed after a desire, right?

I have friends that I have affection for but certainly do not desire them.
Affection does not necessarily have a sexual meaning. Emotional attachments can come through many ways sexual only being one of them.

[gloryseeker]

Originally Posted by jaxfam6

I have friends that I have affection for but certainly do not desire them.
Affection does not necessarily have a sexual meaning. Emotional attachments can come through many ways sexual only being one of them.

That's a good point and I agree with you, but wouldn't the relationship define the level or direction of the desire?

You could work with someone who you absolutely love to work with, care about them, and it never move beyond that.

But, like Rico points out, if allowed desires can change and what was once unthinkable now becomes desirable.

Again, I'm not disagreeing with you...it's just an interesting subject to explore.

[Rico]

Originally Posted by gloryseeker

I didn't take time to look up the actual scripture, but it is in the gospels where Jesus is comparing life under the law to life under grace.

In my paraphrase He states that under the law and person had to have sex with the person to have adultery, but "I (Jesus) say unto you..." if a person lusts after a woman he is guilty of adultery.

According to Jesus, what is conceived in the heart is equivalent to the actual act.

Actually, what He said was that if a man looks on a woman to lust after her he's committed adultery. That one little "to" is key to understanding what Jesus was talking about.

[Rico]

Ok. I'm going to make a confession on this thread. About 20 years ago, when I was still single, and prior to my conversion, I became friends with a couple that I met through another friend of mine. At first I was only friends with the male in the couple. We'd get together and drink, smoke some weed, and generally party while listening to Johnny Cash records. I didn't like his wife much because all she did was complain and yell at him all the time. She didn't like me much I would tell him he needed to learn how to tell her to shut her big mouth while we were partying. Nothing ruins a good buzz like a loud mouthed nagging wife.

Anyway, somehow I ended up becoming friends with her too. Over the course of about a year and half we started getting closer and closer. So much so that we'd talk on the phone a lot and even visit each other when he wasn't around. Eventually, she opened up to me about her feelings regarding her marriage and how unhappy she was with him. The closer we got as friends, the more we shared our feelings with each other. I had had a bad relationship with my first wife, so I understood how she was feeling about her marriage.

Well, the day finally came when our talking turned into passion and I found myself having an affair with this lady. We made up any excuse we could think of to get her out of the house so we could carry on this love affair we were having.

Things ended between us when I finally told her she had to make a choice between me or her husband. She didn't have the heart to leave him because she had a baby girl with him and she knew that her leaving him would devastate him, and he'd most likely end up on drugs or killing himself.

Fast forward to after my conversion. As I studied the Bible and learned about the different things it had to say concerning marital relations, I realized that even if I wouldn't have taken things to an actual physical level with this woman that I would still have been guilt of committing adultery. My affair with her was happening on an emotional level long before we decided to get into bed with each other.

Realizing this helped me to put some standards in place. I know. I know. Standards can sometimes be a four letter word for some of us. What I decided was that I would never allow myself to fall into that kind of trap with another woman again. So, there are certain things I won't do. I will not do anything more than shake a woman's hand. Occasionally I have been known to give an elder sister a hug, though. I won't come into a man's home when he is not there. I will not ride in a car with a woman alone, except for immediate family members. I avoid getting into too many details with another woman if she is talking about any problems in her marriage. I also am very careful about what I talk about with the women around here in pms. I also make a point of letting my wife know about the things I talk with other women about on the phone.

I don't have to read this book to know what the author is talking about. I've lived it. My advice to all men and women is that you be careful in your friendships with people of the opposite sex. I did not start out with an affair on my mind when I became friends with this woman. It developed over time. As Christians, we have a huge target on our backs, and the enemy of our souls would love nothing better than to see any one of us ruined through ending up in a love affair. He's out to steal, kill, and destroy all that he can. Thank God for His forgiving power.

[Falla39]

Originally Posted by Rico

Ok. I'm going to make a confession on this thread. About 20 years ago, when I was still single, and prior to my conversion, I became friends with a couple that I met through another friend of mine. At first I was only friends with the male in the couple. We'd get together and drink, smoke some weed, and generally party while listening to Johnny Cash records. I didn't like his wife much because all she did was complain and yell at him all the time. She didn't like me much I would tell him he needed to learn how to tell her to shut her big mouth while we were partying. Nothing ruins a good buzz like a loud mouthed nagging wife.

Anyway, somehow I ended up becoming friends with her too. Over the course of about a year and half we started getting closer and closer. So much so that we'd talk on the phone a lot and even visit each other when he wasn't around. Eventually, she opened up to me about her feelings regarding her marriage and how unhappy she was with him. The closer we got as friends, the more we shared our feelings with each other. I had had a bad relationship with my first wife, so I understood how she was feeling about her marriage.

Well, the day finally came when our talking turned into passion and I found myself having an affair with this lady. We made up any excuse we could think of to get her out of the house so we could carry on this love affair we were having.

Things ended between us when I finally told her she had to make a choice between me or her husband. She didn't have the heart to leave him because she had a baby girl with him and she knew that her leaving him would devastate him, and he'd most likely end up on drugs or killing himself.

Fast forward to after my conversion. As I studied the Bible and learned about the different things it had to say concerning marital relations, I realized that even if I wouldn't have taken things to an actual physical level with this woman that I would still have been guilt of committing adultery. My affair with her was happening on an emotional level long before we decided to get into bed with each other.

Realizing this helped me to put some standards in place. I know. I know. Standards can sometimes be a four letter word for some of us. What I decided was that I would never allow myself to fall into that kind of trap with another woman again. So, there are certain things I won't do. I will not do anything more than shake a woman's hand. Occasionally I have been known to give an elder sister a hug, though. I won't come into a man's home when he is not there. I will not ride in a car with a woman alone, except for immediate family members. I avoid getting into too many details with another woman if she is talking about any problems in her marriage. I also am very careful about what I talk about with the women around here in pms. I also make a point of letting my wife know about the things I talk with other women about on the phone.

I don't have to read this book to know what the author is talking about. I've lived it. My advice to all men and women is that you be careful in your friendships with people of the opposite sex. I did not start out with an affair on my mind when I became friends with this woman. It developed over time. As Christians, we have a huge target on our backs, and the enemy of our souls would love nothing better than to see any one of us ruined through ending up in a love affair. He's out to steal, kill, and destroy all that he can. Thank God for His forgiving power.

Dear Bro. Rico,

I am probably old enough to be your grandmother, at least your mother,
But over a period of time and reading your posts on FCF, NFCF, and on
AFF, there was developed in my mind a picture. The picture of a man who
seemingly could be thought of as tough, liberal who would argue just to
argue. But there was something deeper that shone through in your posts.
If you believed something was wrong, you would stand for it no matter
who would try to convince you otherwise.

I saw a young man that probably had a rough childhood, disappointments
through many experiences in and out of church. But I saw that man as one
who was learning and learning well.

Your post here confirms in my mind why I described you on another thread
as being conservative, a big teddy bear who loved God, his wife and his
children. Yes, we all have our own experiences which have brought us to
where we are today in Christ.

Paul speaks to someone in 2 Cor.7:8-11:

8For though I made you sorry with a letter, I do not repent, though I did repent: for I perceive that the same epistle hath made you sorry, though it were but for a season.

9Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing.

10For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.

11For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.

Bless you, dear Brother, and you can hide behind that big beard all you
want to, but I still "hear" a big teddy bear who loves God, his wife and his
children.

Parents are supposed to train up and discipline their children, but God
disciplines adult children. He's big enough. And He loves us SO much!
We are HIS people, the sheep of HIS pasture.

Falla39

[Rico]

Originally Posted by Falla39

Dear Bro. Rico,

I am probably old enough to be your grandmother, at least your mother,
But over a period of time and reading your posts on FCF, NFCF, and on
AFF, there was developed in my mind a picture. The picture of a man who
seemingly could be thought of as tough, liberal who would argue just to
argue. But there was something deeper that shone through in your posts.
If you believed something was wrong, you would stand for it no matter
who would try to convince you otherwise.

I saw a young man that probably had a rough childhood, disappointments
through many experiences in and out of church. But I saw that man as one
who was learning and learning well.

Your post here confirms in my mind why I described you on another thread
as being conservative, a big teddy bear who loved God, his wife and his
children. Yes, we all have our own experiences which have brought us to
where we are today in Christ.

Paul speaks to someone in 2 Cor.7:8-11:

8For though I made you sorry with a letter, I do not repent, though I did repent: for I perceive that the same epistle hath made you sorry, though it were but for a season.

9Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made sorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing.

10For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.

11For behold this selfsame thing, that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you, yea, what clearing of yourselves, yea, what indignation, yea, what fear, yea, what vehement desire, yea, what zeal, yea, what revenge! In all things ye have approved yourselves to be clear in this matter.

Bless you, dear Brother, and you can hide behind that big beard all you
want to, but I still "hear" a big teddy bear who loves God, his wife and his
children.

Parents are supposed to train up and discipline their children, but God
disciplines adult children. He's big enough. And He loves us SO much!
We are HIS people, the sheep of HIS pasture.

Falla39

Sister Falla, I am on a quest for truth, just like the rest of us. When I find it, I have no choice but to defend it. You're right about a lot of the things you've said about me, except that I know I would never be accepted among conservatives as a fellow conservative. Just the fact that I am willing to withstand them face to face disqualifies me and makes me rebellious in their opinion. That's ok, though. I like being a free agent. Thank you for your kind words.

[Cindy]

Emotional detachment is just investing your emotions away from your spouse to someone or something else. Most affairs don't start out physical anyway, a one night stand maybe. I am sure you have heard or read "we grew apart". It is the emotional part of an affair that is so hard to deal with in my opinion, because your allegiance was with someone else instead of your spouse. If this happens the marriage or relationship is defiled.

[A_PoMo]

Originally Posted by cneasttx

Emotional detachment is just investing your emotions away from your spouse to someone or something else. Most affairs don't start out physical anyway, a one night stand maybe. I am sure you have heard or read "we grew apart". It is the emotional part of an affair that is so hard to deal with in my opinion, because your allegiance was with someone else instead of your spouse. If this happens the marriage or relationship is defiled.

I agree. You can invest yourself emotionally in a business, or as the other person said, porn. I agree that it's the hardest part to deal with when an outside thing or person breaches a marriage.

But is it adultery? I have trouble accepting that premise. Is it wrong? Yes. Inappropriate? Yes. Damaging? Yes. Dangerous? Yes. Adultery? I'm not so sure. I tend to think that it's, as you say, a step in the process and can lead to actual adultery.

I was a little surprised to read this liberal view (it seems to lower the threshold for scripturally permissible divorce) in this otherwise conservative book. Normally I'm ok with more liberal views. But it seemed a little extreme to me and just wonder what other people think.

[Tina]

Originally Posted by gloryseeker

I think that is a very good point, which then brings us to the definition of the thought.

First of all, not all thoughts are our thoughts. Several times in Matthew 6 Jesus says, "Take no thought" therefore we have the ability to receive the thought or reject it.

I being a man can see a pretty girl walking down the street. A thought may rise up within me so the question will then be, "what do I do with that thought."

Which in the context of what you have posted, I could entertain the thought to the point that I acted on it in some way...pursued an action to get to know the person, pursued a physical encounter, or just entertained to the point of self gratification. In these scenarios I would be guilty of Jesus' words.

However, if when the thought rose up I casted it down, rejected it, or did not entertain it then how could I be guilty?



I would agree with this. Two people could emotionally attach in a way where they are connect more to each other than to their spouses. This is just as much of a betrayal as a physical encounter. In all reality, allowed to continue in most cases would lead to a physical encounter of some type.




I think the definition of adultery is going to come back to my answer above. What I do how I pursue the relationship. I believe adultery in a sin definition (not necessarily a dictionary definition) starts in the thought realm.

I grew up with a pastor that always said, "You can't always control the thoughts that enter your mind. However you can control the ones you let your mind dwell on."

[bethola]

Originally Posted by cneasttx

Emotional detachment is just investing your emotions away from your spouse to someone or something else. Most affairs don't start out physical anyway, a one night stand maybe. I am sure you have heard or read "we grew apart". It is the emotional part of an affair that is so hard to deal with in my opinion, because your allegiance was with someone else instead of your spouse. If this happens the marriage or relationship is defiled.

Totally agree with this. It is my opinion that emotional "intimacy" (the sharing of ideas, opinions, goals, dreams, etc.) can eventually lead to physical intimacy.