Women/Church/Abuse

[ILG]

Originally Posted by Trouvere

ILG exactly what kind of book is that and could you give a few exerpts?
I invited my friend to read this thread.

It is not a Christian book (I hope that is okay) but I think it has very good advice.

As far as excerpts is has parts like Why Marriage Counseling Fails, Why Treatment Made it Worse, Why Anger-Management Didn't Work and Why Abuser Groups didn't work. It talks about appreciating your core value (meaning you have worth because you ARE rather than because of what you can do for someone else). Then, the second half of the book is what is called Boot Camp for men. IF a man will do the steps, I think it would be great, but she can't do it for him. He has to have the want to.....and he might not want to. Too often, women try to fix the man rather than focusing on what they can do for themselves....which is what they really need to do. So, if he doesn't want to....she can focus on her part and that can also make a difference for her....and she needs to do this for herself too.

If this person is using drugs.....I think that has to be addressed before abuse could be. There is another good book (not Christian) called Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood, helping women who always seem to be attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable, like on drugs. This book teaches her to quit investing herself emotionally in him for little to no return and how begin to invest in herself, which can also have a beneficial effect whether she stays or leaves.

[Trouvere]

This book teaches her to quit investing herself emotionally in him for little to no return and how begin to invest in herself, which can also have a beneficial effect whether she stays or leaves.

These are valuable words ILG

[Pragmatist]

Originally Posted by RevDWW

What do you base this on? What do you define as fully understanding?

I base it on nothing but my own speculation. Do you think you are equipped to deal with domestic abuse situations? Do you think the average pastor is, beyond telling the woman to leave for her own safety?

[RandyWayne]

I know of no pastors personally who would give advice to stay in such a situation.... However, a few my of wifes pastors have done just that in similar cases! So this isn't "I heard from someone who knows someone who has a friend who once heard that....". These are named pastors and one of the persons who received this "advice" was my wifes aunt.
Guess what.... 20 years later he (her husband -if you can still call it that) has not changed. Their kids have been totally screwed up. He is spending all her money since he sits at home on disability (depression ya understand).

This church is an AoG church and to be quite honest, I have heard of more verifiable junk like this happening in their organization -much of which seems to be focused here.

[DividedThigh]

been there had the abusive spouse, had to finally after feeling i had no other alternative for many years ,stand up for myself and my kids, and file for divorce, no other alternative, our pastor calls it spiritual adultery, which has afore been mentioned in this thread, no woman or man should stay in a situation where they or there children are being abused, any pastor who says differently just isnt living in the real world, and it is out there, done that too, dt

[Polaris]

I believe that there are various "modes" we have to go into at different times of our lives, and that the way we honor the scriptures is going to vary depending upon what mode we're in at the time. It's not that we DISobey the Lord, but simply that we have to prioritize our principles.

Yes, the scriptures say a woman is to obey her husband, but there are circumstances beyond HER control that may cause her to have to appeal to a higher principle. A woman whose husband is abusing drugs and whose home is being terrorized is in "survival mode" and doesn't have time at the moment to think of building a happy, Christian home with a devoted father as head of the house, because HE abdicated the position. That was something she could not control. Now, she has to think of her children and their safety and welfare as well as take care of herself, and the only option she has at the moment is separation. We can work out the details when the dust clears...she simply has to get out, and I believe God would expect her to.

Here's a related example. I personally know a man who grew up with a drug-abusing mother in a horrible situation. As soon as he turned 18, he moved out and moved in with his youth pastor (a single man who became the boy's "dad") AND BEGAN LEGAL PROCEEDINGS to legally take custody of his own brother, who was still a minor. He DID get custody of the boy, and they both still live at the youth pastor's house--God bless the man--he got to raise a teenager without even having a mother around to help. The older brother went to college, still submitting to his youth pastor as his father. The younger brother went to high school.

How does this square with "honour thy father and thy mother" or "obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right"? I don't think it violates it at all...there was a higher principle that had to be observed during "survival" mode, and I totally admire this man for not leaving his brother in a horrendous situation. There are ways to honour someone other than taking their abuse.

Originally Posted by Trouvere

I have a dear friend who is married to a man that has returned to drug abuse.She had to go out and put a restraining order against him.She has
been made to feel guilty defending herself in court against him.He terrorizes her and the children and breaks into the house and steals things and sells them.What does your church teach concerning such things.I would tell her to get the order.

[Newman]

Originally Posted by Trouvere

I have a dear friend who is married to a man that has returned to drug abuse.She had to go out and put a restraining order against him.She has
been made to feel guilty defending herself in court against him.He terrorizes her and the children and breaks into the house and steals things and sells them.What does your church teach concerning such things.I would tell her to get the order.

In my area of the country and likely many others, the mother could lose her kids to the state for "failure to protect" her kids if she doesn't get the order. Very scary possibility that many mothers don't realize.

Get some Holy Ghost filled Brothers and Sisters...not a few, and pray and wait at the home for his return.

When he arrives let him in, and then everyone start praying for him at once and shower him with Love.

He will either be healed, or think twice before returning.

Originally Posted by Newman

In my area of the country and likely many others, the mother could lose her kids to the state for "failure to protect" her kids if she doesn't get the order. Very scary possibility that many mothers don't realize.

Very true, but do we address this on the terms of man's wisdom, or God's?

I don't mean to put you on the spot. Really.

It is just that the question jumps out at me.

What will man's system yield vs. The Lord's?

[Newman]

Originally Posted by Theophilus

Very true, but do we address this on the terms of man's wisdom, or God's?

I don't mean to put you on the spot. Really.

It is just that the question jumps out at me.

What will man's system yield vs. The Lord's?

Nope, not on the spot at all....

Consider the following:

1. 28 If an ox gore a man or a woman, that they die: then the ox shall be surely stoned, and his flesh shall not be eaten; but the owner of the ox shall be quit. 29 But if the ox were wont to push with his horn in time past, and it hath been testified to his owner, and he hath not kept him in, but that he hath killed a man or a woman; the ox shall be stoned, and his owner also shall be put to death. (Ex 21:28-29)

In other words; if one has knowledge that their ox is dangerous and yet allows their ox opportunity to harm others, they stand just as condemned as the ox.

2. Abigail acted against her husband's instructions to save her household by doing that which was expected of her household under the circumstances.

3. The father of the prodical son did not let the son stay at home in sin. He had to leave or live right. He was welcomed with open arms when he came to his senses.

4. Sapphira did not stand up to her husband's wrong-doing. She perished with him.