Emotional Vampires
 

Hey guys,

I was doing some reading yesterday and came across the term "emotional vampires" these are extremely emotionally needy people.
From an article:
"They complain, boast, brag and some are all about self pity. The key is, they drain us and use us to dump on us feeling afterward energized, making us feel wiped out and with a huge headache. We feel our energy has been robbed..." http://www.ehow.com/how_2243972_reco...paign=yssp_art

I have heard the term before but yesterday I thought a lot about it. I think because I am a natural encourager, I tend to attract these people. I have seen a lot of them and I was just curious what other people thought about it. Maybe our resident counselor, or our AFF pastors can shed some light on it for us :friend

Do you know any of these?
Do you think the church attracts these kinds of people?
What should be done about them?

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

Prov31,

It is my observation that 'emotional vampires' are not just contained within churches. They are people on the job, in churches, in communities, that when you ask them how they are they give you an hour long dissertation. They are people who have to call and talk for hours reiterating the same things over and over again. They always have a problem and always want to explain what they mean like it will change the way you think about them or the situation.

Dr. Laura handles it well. She cuts them off and says, "Answer the question." She then tells them she don't have time to listen to it, it won't change the outcome. She finailzes it by saying. "I am going to hang up now...go and do the right thing".

There are 'needy' people that do need encouragement when they are coming out of a dysfunctional environment, or relationship, or just coming to God. Many just need discipled, a Bible study, a prayer group, or a therapist, Just ask God for wisdom to discern and stay away from people that emotionally zap your strength and victory.

Even as a therapist, I have to know when it is a bad time to listen to other people's problems and when to get away for some self care. You cannot give to others when you are going through something equally as difficult or you need a break.

Boundaries is the answer. Do not listen, do not go where they are, do not give the open door for the discussion. If you happen to get caught by someone like this...find a reason to break away, time to meet someone, have to go do..., expecting a phone call. Practice saying, "No".

Blessings, Rhoni

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

Yes, I know a couple!

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

Hey! You said you wouldn't tell!! :D

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

I can be an emotional nutcase sometime. :snapout

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

If you eat enough garlic, they'll stay away from you and your breath..........:ursofunny

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

Oh, I understand they are not JUST in church, I have found that many of these people like to find Christians because they generally are more compassionate.
Thanks Rhoni for that great explanation and advice, I knew we could count on you!

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

You're welcome. We therapists have a cute saying when it comes to "Boundaries": Someone needs a trip to Wal-mart to get some 'Boundaries'.:friend

Blessings, Rhoni

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

I have a friend who used to be a good friend. I still consider her a friend, but honestly, I make excuses most of the time not to get together with her.

The problem is that she caught her husband emailing back and forth with her best friend. She did not catch them in the act of adultery and adultery was never brought up in the emails. But the emails were more intimate than they should have been. Since her husband had cheated on her before and since her best friend had cheated on her husband twice before, my friend assumed that was what was going on. It has still never been proven.

So she asked him to leave. But she's a Christian and he is not, she didn't feel like she could divorce him (does anyone here understand that? not me!) Anyhow he finally decided to go ahead with it. So now the divorce is finally over.

And I'm thinking, good. We can get back to normal. So I went to lunch with her on Sunday. Oh my goodness! It was DRAINING! All we talked about was #1 her 'date' the night before that she didn't really want to have as a date, but ended up that way against her will (??) and
#2 her divorce - AGAIN!

I know that some people on here are divorced. Please assure me that this will not go on forever with her! What can I do to help her move on? Or should I just follow Rhoni's advice and set boundaries?

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

Margie,

Suggest a Divorce Support/Recovery group or individual counseling and set boundaries. A divorced person should not date until all the past issues have been resolved. Their issues are emotionally draining on anyone within earshot. I drained my friends for years until I got myself into therapy.

Blessings, Rhoni

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

Thanks, Rhoni. Good advice. She is in counseling right now. She even has her kids going to one as well. And she went thru a Divorce Support/Recovery group at a nearby mega church. In fact, she's gone thru it twice. And after the second time thru, they invited her to lead a group, which she did. And now she wants to start a group our church (which I think is a good idea. I think church's should have things like this to reach out to people who are hurting)

She knows she shouldn't be dating. Talks about that all the time. But at the same time she talks about the guys she is "friends" with and how they go out to eat and out to dance and to the movies, etc. And she told me on Sunday that she's signed up on EHarmony now. Geesh!!

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

Some women can't live without a man and are always on the prowl. Many times people know what to do but doing it is always another story.

Blessings, Rhoni

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

yikes, rhoni good advice, sadly even good advice is not always heeded, lol, this is a crazy world, so you like sean connery huh, isnt he a little old for you, lol

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

I have known quite a few, I have actually decided that I somehow attract them! I will have friendships with people that start out great, and then all of the sudden I am in this huge trap of being the emotional support for someone.

That is not to say that I mind helping people, I don't, that is why I have wound up in these situations. I have a very strong ability to empathize, which sometimes is a curse.

When it turns into a problem is when you give and give and try endlessly to help someone, and you continually wind up back at the same place, with the same problems, and this person sucking you dry emotionally while never doing the things they need to do to get out of their problems.

The hardest part for me, is when I realize I have to cut the cord because I cannot help the person, it makes me feel like a monster. I will of course continue to love them and pray for them, but I cannot kill myself trying to help someone, who ultimately, if the truth be told, doesn't really want help, they just want attention.

Side note, the majority of people who I have experienced this with have not been church people.

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

DT,

Sean Connery is one of the last of his breed; a true gentleman, romantic, and chivalrous. It is so difficult to find these traits in younger men. It is not so much his looks but what I have seen him stand for.

Maybe, I am just an old soul.

Blessing, Rhoni

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

i am just teasing you i always liked his acting and he was the best james bond ever, lol:dance

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

Dizzy,

It is easy to fall into the co-dependent trap of needing to be needed. Boundaries are good here too. Many co-dependent people deny their own needs while helping others, and then getting angry at the other person when they become overwhelmed or feeling empty.

Blessings, Rhoni

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

so true diz, hang in there god will lead you to people that only you can help and give you the strength to endure or cut the cord, let him help you, your heart is in the right place, dt

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

I like his role as King Arthur. He was the stability that Lady G needed and in the end did not deny her the passion she also needed. He knew what true love was...in his role as King Arthur that is:friend

Blessings, Rhoni

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

that is true, he is just a great actor no doubt, lol, dt

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

You are judging him by the roles he plays. He might not be anything like that at all in real life!

The reason men aren't that way anymore is because women send out messages that they don't need them for anything.

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

Or, maybe the men are intimidated...........

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

So you're in love iwth King Arthur and not really Sean Connery?

You really are a romantic at heart, Rhoni. That's sweet.

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

i think you are on to something renda, i think it is important for both parties to be honest about what they need and expect before i dos, lol, really, dt:dance

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

This is true, and it is usually when I find myself starting to feel angry and trapped, that I know it has reached the point where it is not healthy.

I don't mean to sound like this happens every day, but I have found myself in this position probably 4 or 5 times in the last 10 to 15 years. I have gotten much better at reading the signs and seeing people more clearly as time has gone by, it doesn't happen so much anymore. That kind of makes me sad as well, because I wonder if I have built up too many walls.

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

Thanks, I am trying! :friend

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

It's really sad that society has changed the roles of women so much, but that's another thread!

The emotional vampires that were in my life were draining me dry at one point and it did have a BIG affect on me. I had to just cut ties completely with both of them until things got better for them.

I enjoy being there for someone, but a person can only take so much!

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

understandable renda, good move, saved yourself some more pain probably, protecting your self and good health is a good place to start, dt

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

we have really been trying to teach our kids the principles of chivalry. Teaching our son to open doors and our daughter to wait for them to be opened. Teaching our son to offer to help before he is asked and our daughter to always ask if she can. Chivalry runs both ways and both genders need to participate....

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

good manners are the hallmark of decency and respect, keep it up, we are trying too, more difficult with teens though, lol

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

My 15 year old is kind of getting a kick out it now... we'll see how it goes

Dizzy can give you a report in October if he was chivalrous

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

that is funny, we will see, lol

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

You're right. The teens are harder. But let me encourage you. When Justin was in his early teens, it seemed that he forgot all that he had been taught about being a gentleman. But now that's he's 18, he's suddenly remembered again. And Keith, who is 14, has forgotten.

What helped alot with both of them is that Walt is the perfect example of a true gentleman. He always gets the doors for me (and other women), always...................... well, he's a gentleman :) I am blessed!

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

I'll tell all the dirty little secrets... :evilglee :ursofunny

Has he caught up on his sleep yet? My girl took about 3 days to get it all worked out, of course it didn't help that she had to go to work the day after she got home!

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

Yeah, he is caught up but I don;t recognize him. He learned some great habits on the trip and we are encouraging him to keep them!

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

Renda,
Absolutely the role he played in King Arthur because I do not know him in person.

Maybe men assume things before they really get to know a woman. The things women my age and independence need is not necessarily money and prestige, but companionship, friendship, and romantic passion.

Taken care of for me would be emotionally and not financially although he needs to be financially secure because I am not willing to take care of a man financially. Been there, done that, and bought the tee shirt.

Blessings, Rhoni

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

A real man is not intimidated by an accomplished woman, but seeks to encourage her success in whatever endeavors she wishes to pursue.:friend

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

Yes Margie, I am a true romantic...poetry, candlelight, flowers, and unique gifts. King Arthur is the ideal man for me.:roseglasses

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

I was being facetious, lol.

Actually, in some cases, I think women confuse "intimidating" a man with "annoying" a man, lol.

There is a difference in being a strong woman, and being an overbearing woman. And, the same goes for men.

Most men want a strong, non-clingy, motivated woman who has a life of her own, but when a woman is continually questioning him, and telling him how great she is, and how much better her ideas are than his, a man tends to hit the road! And, vice versa.

So, I've found that there are certain women who constantly complain that no man is worthy of her, when in reality, no man will hang around when she opens her mouth!

AND VICE VERSA.......for the sake of equality.:dance

Re: Emotional Vampires
 

Verrry true, but I do believe they are in the minority.

Especially If a woman is bright, brainy, high achiever....many men cannot handle it. (not my problem lol ) I have seen this as an issue with the church in that men are the "head" and often cannot handle the competition!