My mother was always there for me. She stayed at home through most of my growing up years. While she did work a part time job when I was a teenager, she was still home by the time I got home from school. She was a constant presence of calm, goodness and strength. She was definitely the best example of a Christian I could have ever had. She prayed daily, read the Bible, was careful with her words, was gentle in every way, encouraged me in character (usually with the book of Proverbs open
), and went out of her way to be a positive, affirming force in my life. She was careful not to speak anything negative or to be critical. I appreciate all those things in her. As for the traditional stuff--she kept a neat house and cooked meals, but those were the least of her contributions.
I wanted to do the same for my children, and it was important to me that I be right there with them while they were growing up. Jeff and I married when I was only 18, and I got pregnant with Hannah just 3 months later and in my first semester of college (completely unplanned). I dropped out and I have to admit that I resented that whole situation for some time. Jeff was also young and immature as a husband, and had no idea how to support me through that, so it really wasn't an option for me to continue to go to school
and have a child. However, I truly enjoyed my baby girl, and began to treasure that part of my life and was able to eventually put college in perspective. Fortunately, I have sisters who have gone to college later in life and gotten their degrees, so I have seen that higher education can wait and it isn't the end of the world if you aren't finished with it by age 22.
Accepting this has helped me enjoy my children more and not feel like I'm on some sort of clock where my time to be "me" and finish the things I want to finish in life is being stolen.
At some point, I made a conscious decision to go ahead and have [more] children, raise a family and pursue my other dreams later. Along the way, I have continued to self-educate by reading stacks of books, involving myself in community outreach that requires focused education, etc., and in that way I've somewhat satisfied my need for intellectual stimulation. Homeschooling also contributed to my own self-education, because I've had to explore topics and study in order to teach them to my children. Additionally, FCF, NFCF and AFF have also helped, because they have allowed me to explore scripture in an intellectual way and truly put my brain to work.
Sometimes I do. There are certain circles in which being a mother is cheered and supported and there are others where it is seen as the lazy, stupid woman's path. In the latter, it's easy to blush and mumble that you are a SAHM and try to move conversation along quickly, but I've learned to keep my head up and speak clearly and proudly, which tends to disconcert critics. I also stopped verbally defining myself as our "church music director" because I knew I was sometimes using that as my "cover story."
I'm a wife and mother first and foremost, and it's been important to me to accept that as valuable in myself. I think my first effort at defining myself according to my own values was in a signature line that said, "God's daughter, My husband's wife, my children's mother." It may have been more or less clever than that, but I can't remember what I wrote exactly. Those three things completely represent my focus and priorities over the course of the last 19+ years.
I wanted to define my roles as scripturally as possible, and I've gone to great lengths to read relevant scripture or biblically shaped opinions on female roles. I wanted, from the beginning, for Christianity to shape everything I do, and from that perspective, I've rejected some conservative Christian ideas about parenting, which, IMO, are decidedly unChristian. One example is the focus on corporal punishment. I particularly dislike
Dare to Discipline and
The Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson, and I detest all of the Pearl books and their entire philosophy. Jeff and I are not lenient parents, but we are gentle parents, and I believe our children are better for it. I'm often shocked at the lack of gentleness, patience and long-suffering when it comes to parenting the "Christian" way. We are to be as Christ-like in how we deal with our children as we are with our neighbors. This thread isn't about discipline, though, so I'll move on.
I do
not feel that motherhood is the "highest calling" for a woman. It is
a calling. It is between a woman and God to find out what her calling is and how to pursue it. However, it also my strong opinion that if a woman wants to pursue ministry as her primary purpose in life, she shouldn't marry or have children. When you marry and/or have children, those things become your highest (God-given) callings by default. As for pursuing a career--that's all about seasons of life. It can be done at certain times and not at others, at least--not without sacrificing other priorities and relationships. Men can also pursue successful careers to a fault, sacrificing relationships and other important priorities as a result. You have to find your priorities (hopefully guided by God's Word) and then shape your entire life around those priorities. Eventually priorities shift and room can be made for other interests. Patience and peace are two qualities that assist in giving your best to each responsibility as it arises and setting aside other desires until they're practical and doable. These are two qualities that I have acquired from my own experience, and because of that gradual maturing in myself, it wouldn't be to my benefit to change the last nearly-twenty years.
May the SAGAS continue.
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