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  #31  
Old 08-17-2009, 11:43 AM
U376977 U376977 is offline
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Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread

How about a this really happened...no joke.

At my church the pastor asked the "mother" to come and greet the people. She made her way up to the front being gently led by here hand. She began to exhort about the goodness of God. How he "woke me up this morning with my mind stayed on Jesus." And going on, "childeren we have got to give praise to Jesus Christ because he is sooooo good." And on an on... finally she said, "If you ever see mother, and I don't have strength in my body to praise him, if all I can do is lift this one finger, remember I am praising God."
Then she proudly lifts the middle finger of her right hand and waves it around and innocently flips-off the entire church! LOL.
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  #32  
Old 08-18-2009, 03:01 PM
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Esther Esther is offline
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Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread

Sears Catalog




Two rednecks were looking at a
Sears catalog and admiring the models.

One says to the other,
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?'

The second one replies,
'Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!'

The first one says, with wide eyes,
'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'

The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful
as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later,
the youngest redneck asks his friend,
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
from the Sears catalog?'

The second redneck replies.........



SCROLL DOWN . YOU'LL LOVE IT!



'No, but it shouldn't be long now.

I got her clothes yesterday!'
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Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.
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  #33  
Old 08-18-2009, 03:03 PM
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Esther Esther is offline
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Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread

Ramblings of a Retired Mind



I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.
I can't afford one.
So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust.'

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'
Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.'
I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor!'

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do... Write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals or looking for a loophole.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

' Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life.'
Because: 'Life is a journey to be savored'
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Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD.
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  #34  
Old 11-10-2009, 08:46 AM
John Atkinson John Atkinson is offline
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Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread

Newsflash...
Speaker Nancy Pelosi was reportedly bitten by a rattlesnake while hiking in the woods near her Califonia home. Hospital sources report that the congresswoman is in stable condition doing fine. The snake was treated and relaesed but may require extensive therapy.









I just couldn't resist......
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  #35  
Old 11-10-2009, 08:59 AM
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Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by John Atkinson View Post
Newsflash...
Speaker Nancy Pelosi was reportedly bitten by a rattlesnake while hiking in the woods near her Califonia home. Hospital sources report that the congresswoman is in stable condition doing fine. The snake was treated and relaesed but may require extensive therapy.




I just couldn't resist......
LOL! Brilliant!


BRILLIANT!
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  #36  
Old 11-10-2009, 09:19 AM
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The Mrs The Mrs is offline
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Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread

You boys are BAD!!!
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  #37  
Old 11-10-2009, 09:25 AM
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MissBrattified MissBrattified is offline
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Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by John Atkinson View Post
Newsflash...
Speaker Nancy Pelosi was reportedly bitten by a rattlesnake while hiking in the woods near her Califonia home. Hospital sources report that the congresswoman is in stable condition doing fine. The snake was treated and relaesed but may require extensive therapy.









I just couldn't resist......

__________________
"God, send me anywhere, only go with me. Lay any burden on me, only sustain me. And sever any tie in my heart except the tie that binds my heart to Yours."
--David Livingstone


"To see no being, not God’s or any, but you also go thither,
To see no possession but you may possess it—enjoying all without labor or purchase—
abstracting the feast, yet not abstracting one particle of it;…."

--Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass, Song of the Open Road
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  #38  
Old 11-10-2009, 09:38 AM
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rgcraig rgcraig is offline
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Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread

I love Sarah's quote!

That's great!!!!
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  #39  
Old 11-10-2009, 10:20 AM
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MissBrattified MissBrattified is offline
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Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread

I thought it was pretty funny!
__________________
"God, send me anywhere, only go with me. Lay any burden on me, only sustain me. And sever any tie in my heart except the tie that binds my heart to Yours."
--David Livingstone


"To see no being, not God’s or any, but you also go thither,
To see no possession but you may possess it—enjoying all without labor or purchase—
abstracting the feast, yet not abstracting one particle of it;…."

--Walt Whitman, Leaves of Grass, Song of the Open Road
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  #40  
Old 11-10-2009, 10:21 AM
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MissBrattified MissBrattified is offline
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Re: Joke and funny stuff Thread


Last edited by MissBrattified; 11-10-2009 at 10:24 AM.
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