How to enjoy church?

[Timmy]

Originally Posted by RandyWayne

How do you enjoy "church" when you view most pastors like this?

See below:

Originally Posted by Timmy

Top Ten Ways to Enjoy Church

10. From a distance.

9. Imagine the preacher wearing a Peewee Herman mask.

8. Say "amen!" at inappropriate times.

7. Keep glancing at the person behind you, with a paranoid look on your face.

6. Start a "wave".

5. Raise your hand and ask to be excused to use the rest room, at least five times.

4. Sing way louder than anyone around you, and slightly off key.

3. Wear a Storm Trooper costume.

2. Take notes in pig latin.

And the number one way to enjoy church:

1. BYOB!

[RandyWayne]

To be fair, most pastors I have heard have NOT sounded like.....


BUT, the ones who have have really left an impression. In fact, I listened to the Verbal Beans sermon, The Pot that Scums, and I kind of have the above impression.

<End of the Sermon>
Camera zooms in on a young couple in the 5th pew sitting next to each other

Unidentified Male: So, do you think it is over?
Unidentified female: I think so......

Suddenly a figure looms over them

Ominous figure of pastor: No! It is not!


Screams ensue as the end credits start rolling.

[Aquila]

Today's Bad News (Uninspired Inspirations of a Lunatic)

"And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in there sight." (Ezekiel 4:12)

~ Taking measures to ensure that thou shalt never be asked to participate in a bake sale again ~

Dig deep within thee if thou hast chosen the nuclear option in regards to a bake sale. The slothful will purchase store-bought baked goods and put them on a plate, but those who feel their cause is a righteous one shall go way beyond that, to a point where thou shalt never be asked to participate in anything ever again and will forever be shunned by the community. Obviously, this is a small price to pay for freedom.

[Aquila]

Today's Bad News:

"And the Lord answered me, and said, Write the vision, and make it plain upon tables, that he may run that readeth it." Habakkuk 2:2

When I'm upset, I've found that leaving threats made of words from cut-up newspapers on thy coworker's desk renders him a quivering wreck who eats lunch under his desk.

[Aquila]

Today’s Bad News (Uninspired Inspirations of a Lunatic):

“And the two kidneys, and the fat that is on them, which is by the flanks, and the caul above the liver, with the kidneys, it shall he take away.” ~ Leviticus 3:4

Many may disagree with me, but perhaps there’s a hidden blessing behind selling stolen organs over the internet. While many people may question what you have in your refrigerator, you know that it’s best not to let your right hand know what your left hand doeth when strangers deliver plastic bags to your house late at night. If it wasn’t for all the money you’d be making, knowing you’ve secured another person’s health would be a most righteous reward.

[Aquila]

I have no idea why my contributions were never published in the church bulletten.