Quote:
Originally Posted by ILG
So Mich, you seem to be MIA. Are you out there anywhere? 
So, I went to the Lutheran church for the 3rd time. I was invited to stay for coffee and sweets afterwards but was meeting my Mom to visit my Granny in the nursing home, so I didn't stay.
For some reason, I got very upset at church today. It was nothing anybody did.....I guess, since I was there for the third time, I was feeling panicky...and then being invited to stay for coffee made me feel like I was being eyeballed, like they were going to tie me down and force me to be a member and be there all the time. LOL! My feelings are irrational, but I am very commitment shy. I sat there thinking "Is this what you believe?? Do you want to be here??" I cried all the way home. Hard.
So, I just don't know what I am thinking. I feel like someone who was married to a wife abuser, who got her ribs broken and her teeth smashed in....who finally got a divorce....left off men for a few years and am now dating again. (Erase abusive husband and put in abusive church and fill in the blanks.) I'm terrified.
Well, I don't have to make any commitments and I am not being forced to do anything for fear of hell. So, when my nervous system calms down, I'm sure I'll be alright. Just having flashbacks, I guess... |
Yeah, I am kinda MIA. My folk are visiting from Wisconsin, so I've not been on the computer, and I spent the week before getting everything ready.
I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time! Avery and I took a few weeks off and then went again weekend before last. She was SOOOOOO excited. I think it's funny because about 10 girls/women came up, talked to her, and knew her name. I make polite small talk, but never to the point of exchanging names. So I am "Avery's Mom", LOL
I have to say that everyone is friendly, but not in an overly familiar or pushy kind of way, which is nice because I might want to try other places before deciding on this one.
All-in-all, don't rush yourself, and don't be too hard on yourself. It's a journey, not a destination. If you try to force yourself to "Hey, I'm your average happy church-goer whose perfectly well-adjusted with no triggers or anxiety, yay!" you are only going to get MORE anxious when you realize that it's not really true, LOL
I guess that's my secret, a total lack of expectations. I go to church so that my daughter can have social interaction, so that I can have (limited) fellowship with other believers (I get something out of just being in the same room...regardless of my level of interaction), and as a bonus I get to spend some time mulling over some of the philosophical aspects of my faith (that's sermon time).
I most EMPHATICALLY do not go because God or people expect it from me, for spiritual accountability, or because I need an emotional pick-me-up or release, or because I think I'll go to hell if I don't. I'm also not really looking for a "church family" or a "place to belong". So I guess I don't get anxious about church, because I know that I'm not vulnerable in the way I was 15 years ago. And I believe that I've learned from my experiences, to make better, smarter and more informed decisions. I think you'll get there!
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