Non-fundamentalist Christianity?
I honestly don't know if I will ever get to that point, or if I even WANT to get to that point. I do have 3 people that I trust implicitly and discuss spiritual issues with them. 2 of them are ex-UPC'ers that have been through similar experiences to mine, but are further along on the road to healing.
The 3rd is still technically UPC, but along the lines of how I was for the last year or so before I left; not ready to leave, but not willing to play by the "rules" either.
I guess I never thought of them as being "suicidal" thoughts, but definitely along the lines of "God, since I can't seem to be everything you want me to be, and since I can't stand the thought of living the next 50 years in this miserable state, just kill me now..."
What you call flashbacks, I call triggers, and they seem to be hidden everywhere, christian music, the Bible, church, even on AFF (which is why I usually only show up once a month or so when I am unaccountably bored)
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