Generally, when an affair comes to light, people tend to think that it's all about "the sex" -- better sex, new sex, adventurous sex, and, in many cases, any sex at all. But a growing number of relationship experts conclude that this assumption is often wrong. Instead, they point out that the motivation behind infidelity varies right along with the chances whether or not the marriage can survive.
Undoubtedly, celebrities and high-powered successes such as former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer and former General Electric CEO Jack Welch, and countless regular Joes and Janes, do cheat for the thrill. But it's a little more complicated. According to a recent
"Lust, Love & Loyalty Survey," the primary reason marrieds stray is something a more impalpable: feelings of discontent and disappointment. Men cheat because they are dissatisfied (sexually or otherwise) with their relationship, while the most common reason women cheat is they feel emotionally deprived. Simply, the affair fills a void.
Not all affairs are created equal. In fact, Ofer Zur, PhD, a psychologist from Sonoma, CA, has outlined
a dozen reasons why people cheat, none of which are just about "the sex." His laundry list includes conflict or intimacy avoidance, pay-back, mid-life, empty-nest or other types of individual crisis -- not to mention plain curiosity. "Affairs are often about self-expression and not always a reflection of a bad marriage."
"An affair doesn't have to be a death knell to a relationship," says
Scott Haltzman, MD, a clinical professor at Brown University and author of ''The Secrets of Happy Married Men.' "It can be a wake up call instead." In fact, when both partners are committed to the relationship and to changing the dynamics that may have supported the affair, the marriage may come out stronger, says Zur.
The ones that take the brunt of the repair are the cheaters. There's no question that re-building the marriage initiates with them: Immediately breaking off the affair, profuse apologizing and rigorous self-examination about their betrayal in the first place. Then comes the work.
Most people aren't prepared to live with the guilt. "People either bastardize or glamorize an affair. They're not prepared for the
shame and blame," says Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of 'Adultery, the Forgivable Sin.' The road to self-acceptance may sometimes be a rougher path, even if the betrayed spouse can forgive them.
A marriage can survive infidelity, but it takes two. Forgiveness goes a long way; at some point, both partners must move beyond the affair or it will destroy any chance of salvaging the marriage and a shot at happily-ever-after, Hollywood-style. After all, enduring celebrity relationships don't make headlines.
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