The Flip Side of Spiritual Abuse

[Trouvere]

In a small field of labor between the North and the South one woman began to put into the work of the Lord (which was not yet self-supporting) enough money to pay for the rental of a church building and a place for the ministry to live. They moved three hours from their home to pastor a new work while still driving all week long to jobs in a far away city.
As soon as they arrived she and her husband took them into their home and began to discuss all the things they disproved of about church meetings. The next day they left to join a church that was more "hard core apostolic." The main thing that they disliked was that the pastor allowed new people to ask questions and even allowed other members to share their opinion of the answers during Sunday School. After leaving she then called all the new church members to inform them that their pastor did not teach as she felt he was supposed to and they should come with her to the church down the road. What was the response? The new congregation (poor financially but spiritually rich) decided to go on and work in the field of labor with the pastors. Jesus is good. Though there are some who can and will always be abusive Jesus sends the balm of Gilead through others who care. To all pastors who have gone through this sort of scenario. Hats off to you for coming into your field of labor for Jesus not man. He will lift you up. When Jesus was on His way to Calvary and the cross became too hard to bear someone was appointed to carry it for Him. Don't be surprised when Jesus appoints a sister or brother to help you with your burden. They may not be there for the whole scene but regardless of who he uses whether he uses their money or time accept it and go on.

Rom 8:28 KJV
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

Just be thanking God the controlling spirit of witchcraft is out the door instead of in it.

[ILG]

Originally Posted by Chateau d'If

"Many ministers say they're tempted to throw in the towel or move because of people. Problem people to be exact. I remember the first church I served. After a few months I was approached by a man who felt called by God to be my accountability partner...without asking me. He offered to take me out to eat one day, so I accepted. Little was I prepared for what was about to happen.

Setting down his sandwich he said, "Brian, there are a number of things you are doing wrong, but for the sake of time I've kept my list to 10." I made the mistake of saying, "Start with number one." Two and a half hours later I left with two things--30% less self-esteem and a really good case for why first cousins should never marry.

Like most ministers, I've regularly felt the sting of difficult people. Looking back on some of these situations I've come to one conclusion: in every congregation there are always 3 or 4 blessed souls that are there because no other organization in town will put up with them.

Yes, I agree that it's hard to overestimate the damage some ministers have done to churches. I own that. I know I've caused my share of pain. But it's also healthy to acknowledge that many of God's servants walk with a limp because no-one in their congregation had the guts to stand up to a known troublemaker and protect their leader. It's at those times it becomes easy to question whether the price is too high, at least for me.

Written by Brian Jones

http://www.peopleoffaith.com/pastor-burnout.htm

Well, the price was way too high for me that's for sure.

However, I think that these problem people are often the result of spiritual abuse backlash. They've taken it from some pastor or authority figure somewhere and now they are dishing it back or maybe even trying to figure it out. Beats me.

[ILG]

Originally Posted by MissBrattified

A couple of things to discuss:

1. Whether or not abuse to an authority figure is quite the same dynamic as abusive behavior by an authority figure, and

2. The very real problem of "saints" who overrun, abuse, bully and harass those in ministry for various reasons.

On the first point, and barring physical abuse or blatant verbal abuse, I would say that it's difficult to interpret what actually comprises abusive behavior. Some people are simply annoying, but that doesn't mean they're abusive. They may be opinionated and blunt; that doesn't necessarily mean they're abusive either. And I worry a bit about saints who are simply trying to stand up for themselves being called trouble makers or abusers of the ministry for daring to ask a question like, "Is that really in scripture?" or "Can you support this doctrine with the Word?" Actions and statements by those in authority have more impact than those of laypeople. There are times when a layperson could make a smart remark, and it could just roll off, but if a pastor made the same remark, it would carry more weight and might be considered abusive. (Because presumably people would take it more seriously.)

That said, on to point 2: There are people who can't stand authority figures, who don't like to have anyone even suggest to them how they could live their lives in a more productive way, are jealous of people in leadership, have a bone to pick with the church, etc. They love to pick at, gossip about, harass, interrogate, frustrate and generally cause misery for church staff. Those are the facts. Growing up in a pastor's home and being around other pastors and their families, I know this kind of stuff first hand. Some people are simply downright mean. It's a crying shame that any pastor or his family or other members of the church staff have to deal with people like that, but alas, it really goes with the job, and it can't be helped. Not really. Not unless you want to get out of the people business, and basically spreading the Gospel and caring for God's church is all about being in the people business. You either have to be all about people and all of the baggage (and sometimes garbage) that comes with that or not. You can't have it both ways.

My other thought is: Something can be hurtful and not be abusive.

Good points, Miss B.

[acerrak]

Originally Posted by ILG

Good points, Miss B.

hows that book comming sis?

[MissBrattified]

Originally Posted by Charnock

There seems to be two extremes in regard to the spiritual abuse experienced in Pentecostal churches.

1. The whack-job dictator leader who isn't happy unless he's disciplining someone via sermons or "counseling." Of course, the discipline almost always centers around a deviation from his personal ordnung. He's all about outward purity, and completely ignores attitudinal issues.

It may surprise you to discover that pastors experience this type of abuse from denominational councils and officials.

2. "Saints" who habitually send nasty emails, letters and phone calls to the pastor in which they attack his kids, his wife, his stance on any issue, his preaching style, his vision (or lack thereof), and anything else that hits them.

MissB, you can say "it just comes with the job" but I think the mass exodus of ministers can be blamed, in part, to this sort of thing. When you combine little or no pay with a hostile work environment the end result is clear.

You say "The Mass Exodus" of ministers as if this is a recent thing. I've seen ministers all my life who threw in the towel because things got too rough, and I completely understand their reasons for doing so. I honestly wished my Dad had quit pastoring years earlier, but he was a stubborn guy and refused to give up until it was brutally clear that he couldn't do it anymore. That mindset comes with its own set of problems, but that's another thread.

The truth is that it does "come with the job" and not much can be done about it unless you plan to eject every trouble maker from your church on the first offense, in which case you then stand the chance of being the one accused of tyranny. Dealing with problematic people comes with just about any position of authority. People skills are a must, as is a thick skin. I'm not saying it's right or that it should be that way; I'm only pointing out the reality of it.

[MissBrattified]

Originally Posted by ILG

Good points, Miss B.

Thanks, ILG!

[MissBrattified]

Originally Posted by Charnock

...It may surprise you to discover that pastors experience this type of abuse from denominational councils and officials.

I've heard much more about this type of "abuse" (of authority) than I've heard about saints abusing pastors.

I'm also hesitant to use the word "abuse" unless we are talking about extremes. Generally speaking, people are complicated and dealing with various personalities and situations is complicated. I can think of two people right now with whom I have personality clashes. I simply don't like them, and they don't like me. I haven't been mean to them and they haven't done or said anything malicious to me, but they say things I wouldn't say, they handle business differently than me, they lack diplomacy, etc., and it gets on my nerves. I obviously get on their nerves, too, because interaction is always a bit tense. Nevertheless, it isn't a sin to be annoying, as one of my sisters always says. One of the people I'm thinking of--even though this person gets on my nerves, I have no doubt that if my family was in trouble, they'd be one of the first to offer help. But we still clash on other issues. Conflict doesn't always have to imply abuse on the part of one or both parties. It can just be conflict.

[mfblume]

Great thought in the original post.

Here is a twist: I pastored some people who were seriously abused spiritually. They now suspect ANY minister, including me. And they have withheld everything from offerings and church attendance to allowing God to use them for fear of me squashing them due to past hurts. I had to minister to them that it is unrighteous judgment to judge every minister because some crackpots exist. By throwing up walls to protect themselves from further hurt, they not only resist true ministry that hates abuse, but also they inadvertently guard themselves against God. They begin to experience entropy and decay from within due to refusal to get involved. Sad.

[ILG]

Originally Posted by acerrak

hows that book comming sis?

Thanks for asking. I'm on chapter 14. I am just now getting into the last church we were at and there is a ton of paperwork to sift through and it is very emotionally draining. I took about a week off just recently. Hope to get back to it soon.

[Bella1]

Originally Posted by mfblume

Great thought in the original post.

Here is a twist: I pastored some people who were seriously abused spiritually. They now suspect ANY minister, including me. And they have withheld everything from offerings and church attendance to allowing God to use them for fear of me squashing them due to past hurts. I had to minister to them that it is unrighteous judgment to judge every minister because some crackpots exist. By throwing up walls to protect themselves from further hurt, they not only resist true ministry that hates abuse, but also they inadvertently guard themselves against God. They begin to experience entropy and decay from within due to refusal to get involved. Sad.

WOW! You could be talking about me right here. I was so emotionally abused by my ex-pastor and his wife that now I am very LEARY of any leadership. It has only been three and a half years since I left the other church and in that time I have also lost my marriage. SO....on top of not trusting and holding my minister at arms length, I am also dealing with sins and disappointment brought with my husband and I. So...my protection of myself is to go to church, sit, worship, and leave. I have no friends and honestly, I don't want to ever get close to church folks again. It hurts too bad when you lose friendships.