The World According To Cats!

[Ron]

> My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
>
> I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
>
> I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting
> plenty of roughage.
>
> I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It
> took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
>
> I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
>
> We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed
> while they're trying to sleep.
>
> I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall
> behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
>
> I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
>
> I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch
> when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
>
> If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
>
> When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
>
> It is not necessary to check every door.
>
> I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these
> days, it will really come true.
>
> When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
>
> I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
>
> When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.
>
> Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
>
> I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.
>
> I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched the
> X-Files.
>
> I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my
> "kill."
>
> I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.
>
> I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.