…there is a spirit of desperation yielding to futility as I look down on my mother in her hospital bed. She is dehydrated and suffering from a urinary tract infection, both of which cause her dementia to worsen. For the first time in my life, I realize she does not recognize me. “Hi, Mom. How are you doing?,” I ask, but Mom momentarily looks my way, then goes back to talking with someone I couldn’t see…
…this is the same wonderful Christian woman, who at twenty-four years of age first swaddled me in her arms so lovingly. The same woman who nurtured, taught, disciplined and urged me to me to give my life to the Lord Jesus…the woman who looked after my every need when I couldn’t help myself. This was my mother – the single most important woman in my early life and beyond…
…as I watch, she talks to my Dad, asking him if he had caught any fish on his recent fishing trip…it really didn’t matter to her that Dad had passed away five months ago…she was having an interesting conversation with her lifetime partner and was greeting him as she always had over sixty-six years of marriage…
…this is the faithful wife of an Apostolic evangelist, pastor and outstanding preacher, who consistently supported his ministry, assisted him in any way she could, and encouraged him in difficult times…she was always right by his side…, saying, “Aubrey, that was the most blessed and anointed message I have ever heard you preach. The church family was so uplifted and inspired by your words.” Dad had always smiled and answered, “Thank you, Mother.”
…now her conversation is altered by something I don’t understand in her mind…she speaks to her Mother and says that she will fold the laundry in just a few minutes…I look at my Mom and tears just flow down my face…I love my mother so much…at times when it was required, she could challenge my Dad as a Bible teacher, and she possessed much better “people skills.” Some of the most profound Wednesday Bible studies have been when my Mom substituted for my Dad who was preaching a special service in a far-away city…
…she doesn’t open her eyes now…I don’t understand that either…but I’m slowly understanding that my Mom has essentially given up on life after my Dad died…he was her life…her duty was to support him in any way possible, and she did it better than anyone I’ve ever seen…now, he is gone…we all feel that absence and the vacancy that cannot be denied…yesterday, I spent some time at his grave, examining the newly installed headstone…it was nice enough, but I’d really like to have my Dad back instead…
…the dementia has overwhelmed her…as some dark, silk blanket that will not allow logical thoughts and speech to seep through…my Mom, it seems to me, is already gone…and yet, there she is…right before me…I can kissed her, as I do…I can pray for her (if not with her), and I do…but, O God, it’s just not the same…my Mom…don’t you understand, my Mom, the one I’ve known for almost sixty years…the one that fed me…the one that changed my diapers, wash my body, ensured I was dressed properly for the season…THAT Mom…my Mom!
…no matter what I do, it’s not going to get better, is it? Mom is now not there…and she’s already occupied with visions of There…with close fellowship with Him…she praises Him articulately…she worships with an intense sincerity…she prays just like she always has…with an honesty and clear purpose…now, more and more, she replays the “tape…” she reviews her life…event-by-event…her own childhood, her church activities, her newly wed days with Aubrey…with members of at least five or six church congregations…sometimes calling them by name…names that rush up in my memory as I hear her mention them, and I recall the times and circumstances where that particular person had impacted our lives…what was it she said about Sister Evonne?...or Sister Thelma?...or Brother Jones?...
…she is now carefully reviewing the experiences of her lifetime while she waits…I was part of it for a time, but now…no…she’s alone with her memories and she puts them in order and I am no longer a part of it…it’s between Him and her now…of course, it’s not fair…but what is fair? I want my mother for all time…but that’s not realistic…she has lived her life in dedication to her God, in support of my Dad’s ministry and in seeking his will for our lives and hers…
…”Who can find a virtuous woman?...as she fellowships with Him…I’m looking down on her serene face…at peace, as if already in another place – There…”who can find a virtuous woman…I’ve just finished praying for her…at eighty-four, she’s as beautiful and wonderful as I’ve ever seen…that woman is my Mother…a godly, praying, trusting, faithful, joyous, serving, sacrificing and believing mother…for her price is far above rubies…
…yet, I can’t stop the tears and I’m not prepared to let her go…perhaps, she knows that and she has made the decision for me…she has established the terms that will be observed as she makes her transition…but I want you to know…no woman was ever so faithful, so consistent, so loving, so much a teacher to me, so much an advisor with an unlimited wisdom and insight I couldn’t explain…”Mom, I love you so much. And I realize I should have said it more, and hugged you lovingly…at some point in the near future I’ll have to say goodbye, but not now and not yet…I’ll just hold her hand and sing an old chorus…quietly...reverently...and I remember,too…
__________________
If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.
2 Chronicles 7:14 KJV
He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God? Micah 6:8 KJV
Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is. 1 John 3:2 KJV
RevBuddy, I don't know you all that well, friend. In fact, I can't say that we've ever traded posts with each other. I can, however, tell you this much. The Mom you know and love so much may very well be gone, fallen victim to this dementia. However, take comfort in the fact that the same Holy Ghost that guided her while her brain was functioning normally is still guiding her spirit. I can tell by the way " …she praises Him articulately…she worships with an intense sincerity…she prays just like she always has…with an honesty and clear purpose… He's still leading her Home, Brother, and soon she will be free from whatever this illness is that has taken control of her mind. What a mighty and awesome God we serve. God bless you.
…there is a spirit of desperation yielding to futility as I look down on my mother in her hospital bed. She is dehydrated and suffering from a urinary tract infection, both of which cause her dementia to worsen. For the first time in my life, I realize she does not recognize me. “Hi, Mom. How are you doing?,” I ask, but Mom momentarily looks my way, then goes back to talking with someone I couldn’t see…
…this is the same wonderful Christian woman, who at twenty-four years of age first swaddled me in her arms so lovingly. The same woman who nurtured, taught, disciplined and urged me to me to give my life to the Lord Jesus…the woman who looked after my every need when I couldn’t help myself. This was my mother – the single most important woman in my early life and beyond…
…as I watch, she talks to my Dad, asking him if he had caught any fish on his recent fishing trip…it really didn’t matter to her that Dad had passed away five months ago…she was having an interesting conversation with her lifetime partner and was greeting him as she always had over sixty-six years of marriage…
…this is the faithful wife of an Apostolic evangelist, pastor and outstanding preacher, who consistently supported his ministry, assisted him in any way she could, and encouraged him in difficult times…she was always right by his side…, saying, “Aubrey, that was the most blessed and anointed message I have ever heard you preach. The church family was so uplifted and inspired by your words.” Dad had always smiled and answered, “Thank you, Mother.”
…now her conversation is altered by something I don’t understand in her mind…she speaks to her Mother and says that she will fold the laundry in just a few minutes…I look at my Mom and tears just flow down my face…I love my mother so much…at times when it was required, she could challenge my Dad as a Bible teacher, and she possessed much better “people skills.” Some of the most profound Wednesday Bible studies have been when my Mom substituted for my Dad who was preaching a special service in a far-away city…
…she doesn’t open her eyes now…I don’t understand that either…but I’m slowly understanding that my Mom has essentially given up on life after my Dad died…he was her life…her duty was to support him in any way possible, and she did it better than anyone I’ve ever seen…now, he is gone…we all feel that absence and the vacancy that cannot be denied…yesterday, I spent some time at his grave, examining the newly installed headstone…it was nice enough, but I’d really like to have my Dad back instead…
…the dementia has overwhelmed her…as some dark, silk blanket that will not allow logical thoughts and speech to seep through…my Mom, it seems to me, is already gone…and yet, there she is…right before me…I can kissed her, as I do…I can pray for her (if not with her), and I do…but, O God, it’s just not the same…my Mom…don’t you understand, my Mom, the one I’ve known for almost sixty years…the one that fed me…the one that changed my diapers, wash my body, ensured I was dressed properly for the season…THAT Mom…my Mom!
…no matter what I do, it’s not going to get better, is it? Mom is now not there…and she’s already occupied with visions of There…with close fellowship with Him…she praises Him articulately…she worships with an intense sincerity…she prays just like she always has…with an honesty and clear purpose…now, more and more, she replays the “tape…” she reviews her life…event-by-event…her own childhood, her church activities, her newly wed days with Aubrey…with members of at least five or six church congregations…sometimes calling them by name…names that rush up in my memory as I hear her mention them, and I recall the times and circumstances where that particular person had impacted our lives…what was it she said about Sister Evonne?...or Sister Thelma?...or Brother Jones?...
…she is now carefully reviewing the experiences of her lifetime while she waits…I was part of it for a time, but now…no…she’s alone with her memories and she puts them in order and I am no longer a part of it…it’s between Him and her now…of course, it’s not fair…but what is fair? I want my mother for all time…but that’s not realistic…she has lived her life in dedication to her God, in support of my Dad’s ministry and in seeking his will for our lives and hers…
…”Who can find a virtuous woman?...as she fellowships with Him…I’m looking down on her serene face…at peace, as if already in another place – There…”who can find a virtuous woman…I’ve just finished praying for her…at eighty-four, she’s as beautiful and wonderful as I’ve ever seen…that woman is my Mother…a godly, praying, trusting, faithful, joyous, serving, sacrificing and believing mother…for her price is far above rubies…
…yet, I can’t stop the tears and I’m not prepared to let her go…perhaps, she knows that and she has made the decision for me…she has established the terms that will be observed as she makes her transition…but I want you to know…no woman was ever so faithful, so consistent, so loving, so much a teacher to me, so much an advisor with an unlimited wisdom and insight I couldn’t explain…”Mom, I love you so much. And I realize I should have said it more, and hugged you lovingly…at some point in the near future I’ll have to say goodbye, but not now and not yet…I’ll just hold her hand and sing an old chorus…quietly...reverently...and I remember,too…
Wow.......tears in my eyes here, Rev. Buddy........this is beautiful.....I'm speechless.
I know this is a private rumination concerning your own sweet mother, but this should be published.....you have so poignantly and beautifully described what many folks, including myself, have experienced.....
__________________ "Many people view their relationship with God like a "color by number" picture. It's easier to let someone else define the boundaries, tell them which blanks to fill in, and what color to use than it is for them to take a blank canvas and seek inspiration from the Source in order to paint their own masterpiece"
Wow.......tears in my eyes here, Rev. Buddy........this is beautiful.....I'm speechless.
I know this is a private rumination concerning your own sweet mother, but this should be published.....you have so poignantly and beautifully described what many folks, including myself, have experienced.....
Michael:
This is a difficult time of life...a transition period...after I visited with her yesterday afternoon, I felt I needed to write about my feelings and emotions...and maybe these expressions can help someone else going through this, too...
Wow.......tears in my eyes here, Rev. Buddy........this is beautiful.....I'm speechless.
I know this is a private rumination concerning your own sweet mother, but this should be published.....you have so poignantly and beautifully described what many folks, including myself, have experienced.....
Michael:
This is a difficult time of life...a transition period...after I visited with her yesterday afternoon, I felt I needed to write about my feelings and emotions...and maybe these expressions can help someone else going through this, too...
Well, I am moved, my friend.
My mother passed away in 1989, and I spent some time at her bedside, just are you are now....she wasn't experiencing any type of dementia, but was in obvious pain as the cancer destroyed her body.
However, one night when I was sitting by her bedside, holding her hand and crying silently, she looked up at me and said, "Son, don't cry for me.....this is what I've lived my whole life for."
I'm not trying to hijack your thread, just trying to give you a slight bit of insight as to why this thread moves me so much.
My prayers are with you now, my friend........and your precious mother.
__________________ "Many people view their relationship with God like a "color by number" picture. It's easier to let someone else define the boundaries, tell them which blanks to fill in, and what color to use than it is for them to take a blank canvas and seek inspiration from the Source in order to paint their own masterpiece"
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