Not Just A Mom

[Pressing-On]

[QUOTE=ILG;1296946]

Yes, I remember wondering why some pastors and their wives were so hard and uncompassionate.....and then I found myself going that way over time....and I despised myself. I want that compassion back. I am not there yet, but I am heading there. The message from the UPC is that compassion can be negative. All this talk about bleeding hearts and whiners....all negative. I am a very sensitive person.....and my pastor preached from the pulpit over and over about certain people in the church being too sensitive. See that butterfly in my avatar? Butterflies are very sensitive to the wind. They blow around easily. I tried tying rocks to my wings and, indeed, I stopped blowing around. No one could say I was blowing around anymore. That was less threatening to people. Less threatening to my pastor, my husband, church leaders, whoever. I also lost myself in the process. Never again as long as it is in my power. And I can't say it was completely in my power the first time. I was following the advice of people I trusted to lead me the right way.

In the book I am reading now Leaving Church by Barbara Brown Taylor she says

"This wilderness experience sets up a real dilemma for some of us, since we know how much we owe to the traditions that shaped us. We would not be who we are without them, and we continue to draw real sustenance from them, but insofar as those same traditions discourage us from being with one another, we cannot go home again. In one way or another, every one of us has gotten the message that God made us different that we might know one another, and that how we treat one another is the best expression of those beliefs."

So, I find myself in this very dilemma. I never again want to live in the vast emotional wasteland that was the church to me, to be neglected. I am older now and I know it's not God's will for me to be treated that way, neglected, made to be something or someone I am not. So, I am trying to find my path to communion with other people....of all walks of life....believing they all have something to teach me. As I watched that show with the gay girl, I realized I can have beliefs and compassion at the same time. As a matter of fact, I can be non-judgmental as well. I have forgotten how to even relate to people. But I'm learning.

I'm not a particularly sensitive person, but if you betray me, you aren't likely to ever be in my good graces again. I am like my father in that regard. I will be nice, but you can't be my buddy anymore. LOL!

You know what hardened me more than church? Interacting on forums - both here and the political places I post. They are basically set up for division, which can be way too much negativity in a day. Or the forums fed the fire of what I was feeling already. LOL!

I agree with Taylor if her path is in the will of God. That is important to me. I've seen God work out so many situations by just waiting. And we have always gotten an answer on what to do - stay or go. One incident took nine years to correct, although we moved away and it had to implode on it's own over time. We were blamed until it was over. That was hard to take. The good thing is that I was way past the comeuppance and only felt bad for the people we left behind.

I like what she said here and it should apply to all concerning personal convictions as well as beliefs:

In one way or another, every one of us has gotten the message that God made us different that we might know one another, and that how we treat one another is the best expression of those beliefs.

I never viewed, even the negative, as an emotional wasteland. In spite of some hurt, He moved me personally into a better place in Him and/or in location.

I don't know which show you are referring to, but I am thinking how Downton Abby is very careful to further the thinking that homosexuals are born that way and it's not their fault. They paint a moving, emotional storyline with it. Not wanting to get into a discussion on this subject, however, to me, that is an agenda they want to force on the viewers. Don't know if your program is doing that or not.

[ILG]

I'm not a particularly sensitive person, but if you betray me, you aren't likely to ever be in my good graces again. I am like my father in that regard. I will be nice, but you can't be my buddy anymore. LOL!

My problem is that I forgive and forgive and go back and back thinking that if I just try hard enough, things will somehow change! Ha! I finally learned the lesson that sometimes it's not about me and how hard I try!

You know what hardened me more than church? Interacting on forums - both here and the political places I post. They are basically set up for division, which can be way too much negativity in a day. Or the forums fed the fire of what I was feeling already. LOL!

Forums saved me, I think. I was so alone and broken. I got onto forums and I actually had people willing to talk to me to ENGAGE me, to actually CARE about what I was saying rather than brush me off. I was very conservative back then. As I posted, things did become divisive. But I never felt like it was hardening me. It was like a big zit. LOL! I got squeezed and squeezed and squeezed into a corner until POP! I couldn't be squeezed anymore. Forums and my study of the Amish/Mennonite people gave me clarity. I don't have nay negative feelings towards people I have scrapped with online. I am only thankful they were willing to scrap with me, engage me!! I wanted so bad to engage about topics I needed to engage about rather than being given some scripted answer and then blown off like yesterdays mown grass. I and a couple of men from another forum started our own forum because of scrapping with people we thought were too liberal. Ha! Then, when I looked around, I saw we had some differing beliefs too, but these were my friends. This gave me clarity. I would say a happy hello to any of those people I scrapped with today. I would only worry a bit that they thought I was too liberal now.

We were blamed until it was over. That was hard to take. The good thing is that I was way past the comeuppance and only felt bad for the people we left behind.

I'm don't think I'm interested in comeuppances. That's not the point. I only wanted to be accepted for who I am. That's all I pretty much ever wanted. I've come to the conclusion that some people just aren't going to give that though. I guess I'm really a Kumbaya person deep inside. I dream that everyone will see the error of their ways and we will all sit around a campfire cooking marshmallows and laughing about how stupid it all was. It's hard for me to feel vengeful. Unity is what I crave.

I never viewed, even the negative, as an emotional wasteland. In spite of some hurt, He moved me personally into a better place in Him and/or in location.

God uses many things for our personal growth. That doesn't mean it was fun. Or even something we should think we should ever volunteer for again.

I don't know which show you are referring to, but I am thinking how Downton Abby is very careful to further the thinking that homosexuals are born that way and it's not their fault. They paint a moving, emotional storyline with it. Not wanting to get into a discussion on this subject, however, to me, that is an agenda they want to force on the viewers. Don't know if your program is doing that or not.

I've not seen Downton Abbey. My Mom is watching that right now though. I have my own views on homosexuality and I am not afraid of what a television show is going to do to my mind anymore. See, that's another thing. I used to be afraid of what TV might do to me. I think God is strong enough to speak louder. But that's another subject....

[shazeep]

Originally Posted by KeptByTheWord

Would you care to comment on your mother, and how her presence affected your life? You mention knowing about these jails, so it seems you have visited them personally. Are you trying to suggest that a mother's presence in the inmate's lives could have possibly changed their lives so that they wouldn't be in these places? Just wondering.

hmm, no, didn't mean that, although it might be included in the 'more general' destruction of family that i did mean...and i would characterize my mother as physically present, but really much too introspective to hold a meaningful conversation with, at least for me. But my whole immediate family is very codependent, so this may also be a factor.

[Pressing-On]

Originally Posted by ILG

My problem is that I forgive and forgive and go back and back thinking that if I just try hard enough, things will somehow change! Ha! I finally learned the lesson that sometimes it's not about me and how hard I try!

My daughter does that, try and try. I'm not very fond of it myself. lol

Forums saved me, I think. I was so alone and broken. I got onto forums and I actually had people willing to talk to me to ENGAGE me, to actually CARE about what I was saying rather than brush me off. I was very conservative back then. As I posted, things did become divisive. But I never felt like it was hardening me. It was like a big zit. LOL! I got squeezed and squeezed and squeezed into a corner until POP! I couldn't be squeezed anymore. Forums and my study of the Amish/Mennonite people gave me clarity. I don't have nay negative feelings towards people I have scrapped with online. I am only thankful they were willing to scrap with me, engage me!! I wanted so bad to engage about topics I needed to engage about rather than being given some scripted answer and then blown off like yesterdays mown grass. I and a couple of men from another forum started our own forum because of scrapping with people we thought were too liberal. Ha! Then, when I looked around, I saw we had some differing beliefs too, but these were my friends. This gave me clarity. I would say a happy hello to any of those people I scrapped with today. I would only worry a bit that they thought I was too liberal now.

Thanks for the illustration. I am getting ready to cook dinner. LOL!

I am more of a private person, so when people press or get too close, I move away. So, I think that forums affect me in a more negative sense. I don't believe I ever logged in thinking I needed to talk to anyone about issues. But, I'm like that anyway. I always have been.

Your experience with religious friends is the same I had with my political friends. There is more division in the Republican Party than people really understand. Shocking to know your friends have such an opposite view when you thought you were, largely, on the same page. Some can't remain friends if you don't agree 100%. If you don't get in my face, I'm okay with the differences. Same as here on religious issues.

I'm don't think I'm interested in comeuppances. That's not the point.

I didn't think it was your point. I was sharing my point of view. I was very angry for a time and wouldn't have cared what happened to the pastor and his wife. I ran into him at the Post Office and he said hello and I acted as though he wasn't there. Was glad that I got past that. His wife and I met 10 or more, can't remember exactly the time frame, years later, at a function, and she apologized, even though she was still lying. But, at that time in life, I didn't care. It's on her. Her children respect me, because they saw that I didn't treat them any differently through the whole ordeal. That was the most important thing to me - that the children knew.

I only wanted to be accepted for who I am. That's all I pretty much ever wanted. I've come to the conclusion that some people just aren't going to give that though. I guess I'm really a Kumbaya person deep inside. I dream that everyone will see the error of their ways and we will all sit around a campfire cooking marshmallows and laughing about how stupid it all was. It's hard for me to feel vengeful. Unity is what I crave.

I certainly get that. Sometimes you feel you have to be a clone to be accepted. Of course, that isn't the consensus across the board. It's just that some geographical areas are worse than others.

I'm not a Kumbaya person. And I don't especially crave unity. Hmmm, that might be reflective in some of my posts. LOL! I don't think we can achieve that outside of unity of faith.

God uses many things for our personal growth. That doesn't mean it was fun. Or even something we should think we should ever volunteer for again.

No disagreement there - it is not fun, and I sure wouldn't volunteer for it again. LOL! I do know there are some things in the Word I would have never understood if I had not gone through what I've gone through OR what I will go through before I am carried away from this life. As weird as this might sound, it is very interesting to see what God has to say about things when in the midst of a battle.

I've not seen Downton Abbey. My Mom is watching that right now though. I have my own views on homosexuality and I am not afraid of what a television show is going to do to my mind anymore. See, that's another thing. I used to be afraid of what TV might do to me. I think God is strong enough to speak louder. But that's another subject....

I am not afraid of what the television or a movie is going to do to frame my mind. Although, I know it would if I spent more time being fed Hollywood and not the Bible and other healthy reading material.

But, I think that I can recognize the purpose or agenda being presented. Sometimes, is is fairly obvious.

Okay, enjoyed it. Gotta get dinner in the oven. Thanks for the conversation. Hope you have a great evening.

[ILG]

Originally Posted by Pressing-On

Okay, enjoyed it. Gotta get dinner in the oven. Thanks for the conversation. Hope you have a great evening.

Yeah, I enjoyed it too. It was good although I am exhausted now. LOL! I used to thrive on these types of convos and now, although they are good in the long run. They tire me out! LOL!

Oh, and I wanted to add that forums were really good for me except the few years after I left the UPC. I should have left AFF then, but didn't until later on and then I came back.

Enjoy your din din and don't think about zits too much.

[Pressing-On]

Originally Posted by ILG

Yeah, I enjoyed it too. It was good although I am exhausted now. LOL! I used to thrive on these types of convos and now, although they are good in the long run. They tire me out! LOL!

Oh, and I wanted to add that forums were really good for me except the few years after I left the UPC. I should have left AFF then, but didn't until later on and then I came back.

Enjoy your din din and don't think about zits too much.

You're right. It is exhausting. That's probably why I don't do it very often.

Yea, I should have left NFCF. I was going through a hard time in my life, and it didn't help me get through that very well. LOL!

Thanks, and I'll try not too. Having mashed potatoes though.

[ILG]

Originally Posted by Pressing-On

You're right. It is exhausting. That's probably why I don't do it very often.

Yea, I should have left NFCF. I was going through a hard time in my life, and it didn't help me get through that very well. LOL!

Thanks, and I'll try not too. Having mashed potatoes though.

Yum. White and creamy. LOL!

[Pressing-On]

Originally Posted by ILG

Yum. White and creamy. LOL!

LOL! You are just nasty. Stop posting today!

[ILG]

Originally Posted by Pressing-On

LOL! You are just nasty. Stop posting today!

LOL! Ya, okay.

[Sasha]

I'm trying to decide on what to do for dinner. Someone should just bring us something.