Divorce?

[Jermyn Davidson]

It is my understanding that Aspergers is usually diagnosed earlier than adulthood.

From my personal experience, he sounds like he is clinically depressed-- meaning that you won't be able to understand as much as you think you should be able to about the man you love. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF, and please, please, realize that your husband is probably a very ill man, but not a bad man.

I recommend that you take him to a mental health professional so that he can get diagnosed officially, begin meds and counselling on a regular basis.

If I am right, the last thing that you should do right now is divorce him-- especialy if he isn't in his right mind.

If he refuses to be seen by a mental health professional, then maybe someone else can recommend something.

For me, I was in denial for the longest and it took something drastic for me to realize that I needed professional help. Hopefully, your husband will not be as stubborn as I was.

[ILG]

Originally Posted by Jermyn Davidson

It is my understanding that Aspergers is usually diagnosed earlier than adulthood.

Nowadays, that can be true, but aspergers was not very understood even 10 years ago. Even now, people are just now learning about it.

[votivesoul]

1 Corinthians 7:4,

4. ...and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.

While this primarily deals with "due benevolence", other aspects of the husband's body come into play, such as hygiene, when it affects the ability of the wife to so render.

So, in this, I say you have every right to demand he take care of himself. You can't force it, obviously, and if he is mentally ill, there isn't much else you can do on this end.

1 Corinthians 7:13-15,

13. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
14. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
15. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.

Your husband, as you've relayed it, is now an unbeliever. And from what you've written, I don't think he is "pleased to dwell" with you.

After all, if he were pleased to dwell with you, he'd make some effort to contribute to the marriage in a meaningful way that made your life more enjoyable.

Since, apparently, he is not doing anything of the sort, I would call this a case of indirect abuse through abandonment of the vows he made to you when you married.

A man (or woman, even) doesn't have to be physically violent to be abusive. They don't have to yell or damage their spouse in any overt way. They just have to do things that hurt the recipient.

So this is what I say (and take it for what it's worth: a stranger on a message board giving an opinion):

He is abusing you psychologically and is not pleased to dwell with you. He is an unbeliever. He has not physically departed, but he's basically gone, nonetheless.

You are not under bondage, but are called to peace. You need not divorce the man. But I think you have the right, if everything you have shared is accurate, to leave.

You don't have the right to sign papers ending your marriage (unless or until marital infidelity can be proven), and so, you don't have the right to pursue a new life with a different man.

But you don't have to live in the squalor and destitution he has embraced and is forcing you to accept.

So, unless he is schizophrenic, or in desperate need of a mental hospital (meaning, he's just living this way out of his own choosing), then I would pack up and leave.

But before any of that, pray, fast, seek the Lord with all your heart, and hear from HIM first. And of course, as the Proverbs state, there is safety in the multitude of counselors. A local, Spirit-filled assembly led by anointed people of God can help much in this area.

[MissBrattified]

Originally Posted by erika.whitten

My husband and I have been together for about 8 years. We met at a UPCI church and he has been back maybe twice since then and refuses to go to church and told me that he doesn't really believe in God about 6 months ago.

He cleans absolutely nothing, not even cleaning up after himself but will just put trash on the table next to the trash can and just seems to refuse to throw anything away or clean anything up. He does no laundry or dishes at all.

He takes a shower about once a month. It used to be like once a week and for a time he was working at Wendy's and took a shower every day then but its just gotten worse over time.

He does work a regular 40 hour week at a pretty good job just like I do but from the moment he gets home till he goes to sleep, he sits at his computer and plays video games. He eats at his computer and occasionally we will go out or we will watch a show together but that's it.

Anytime I mention anything about cleaning or showering or anything like that it leads to a big fight and we don't speak for hours after that.

He would never EVER go to counseling. I love him so much but I just don't know what to do anymore...

I'm in agreement with others who think there might be an underlying issue, but if he refuses to seek help, you might be able to push him into that by leaving...temporarily. There's no scripture against separation, and sometimes that's necessary either to protect yourself, your children or to strong-arm the other person into better choices.

[Dordrecht]

There's only one answer to these kind of problems and that answer is "prayer".
Anything else is "christian psychology" which does not work.
Pray that the Lord will save him and do a mighty work in his life.

But before any of that, pray, fast, seek the Lord with all your heart, and hear from HIM first.

Amen to that !

[BrotherEastman]

Originally Posted by MissBrattified

I'm in agreement with others who think there might be an underlying issue, but if he refuses to seek help, you might be able to push him into that by leaving...temporarily. There's no scripture against separation, and sometimes that's necessary either to protect yourself, your children or to strong-arm the other person into better choices.

Most of the time I agree with you because you make so much sense: however, trying to "strong arm" someone into doing something like counseling just might backfire.

[MissBrattified]

Originally Posted by BrotherEastman

Most of the time I agree with you because you make so much sense: however, trying to "strong arm" someone into doing something like counseling just might backfire.

Agreed, but the living conditions are unacceptable regardless, which is why I added that. If my husband was refusing to reform AND refusing professional help, that's what I would do. That, or he would come home to all of his video games being in the fireplace.

Sometimes ultimatums are the only things that will work, but you do have to be prepared for people to take the "third option."

[BrotherEastman]

Originally Posted by MissBrattified

Agreed, but the living conditions are unacceptable regardless, which is why I added that. If my husband was refusing to reform AND refusing professional help, that's what I would do. That, or he would come home to all of his video games being in the fireplace.

Sometimes ultimatums are the only things that will work, but you do have to be prepared for people to take the "third option."

While I understand that the living conditions aren't to the standards of the person with the question of the "3rd option", I wonder if the third option for this particular person is sound with a biblical option.

[MissBrattified]

Originally Posted by BrotherEastman

While I understand that the living conditions aren't to the standards of the person with the question of the "3rd option", I wonder if the third option for this particular person is sound with a biblical option.

Rephrase?

[ILG]

I think searching for the reason for the behavior is very important in this situation. If there is a biological reason for it, there should be compassion as working towards managing the behavior is instituted. And if his behavior has in the past gotten him a lot of shame it will be hard to break through that. There is no room for shame in a situation that is caused by a biological problem. Unfortunately, disengaging emotionally from the behavior and looking at it rationally and trying to work through it is the best approach in my opinion. Easier said than done though. Are there other family members who can lend support?