Joke Thread

[Timmy]

I was at a company picnic for my son's work, and the owner had a friend there whose sideline was magic, to entertain the guests. Card tricks, coin tricks, sleight of hand, that sort of thing. He was pretty good. I was chatting with him and found out his regular job was with the post office. I teasingly said to him, "Oh, is that where you learned how to make things disappear?"

He didn't laugh. Didn't even smile. I said, "Oh, I bet you hear that all the time." He said, "No. That was the first time."

I smiled and backed away slowly.

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that."

Originally Posted by Timmy

I was at a company picnic for my son's work, and the owner had a friend there whose sideline was magic, to entertain the guests. Card tricks, coin tricks, sleight of hand, that sort of thing. He was pretty good. I was chatting with him and found out his regular job was with the post office. I teasingly said to him, "Oh, is that where you learned how to make things disappear?"

He didn't laugh. Didn't even smile. I said, "Oh, I bet you hear that all the time." He said, "No. That was the first time."

I smiled and backed away slowly.

Was he reloading?

[Timmy]

Originally Posted by Ronzo

Was he reloading?

Maybe. But he did make me disappear!

[jwharv]

[jwharv]

Ever wonder why cowboys want to die with their boots on?
"I recon it's so they won't hurt their toes when they kick the bucket."

[jwharv]

Directions

In my job with a delivery company, I was getting directions to a
customer's home.

The woman very specifically said, "From the main road in the center
of town go two lights. Look for the post office. Turn left onto the
next street. Go 1.3 miles. Drive past a red hydrant and then take the
next right. Go 50 yards. My driveway is the second on the right, and
the number is on the mailbox.

As I entered the information into the computer, I asked, "What color
is your house?"

The woman paused a second, then said, "Hold on. I'll go check."

[jwharv]

The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson.

"Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

[Timmy]

A frantic lady called 911 and said "My house is on fire! HELP!"

The dispatcher said, "Try to stay calm, ma'am. Now, tell me how the firefighters can get to your house."

The lady said, "Oh? Don't they have those big, red trucks?"

[jwharv]

On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.

After waiting a while, the disappointed pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"

The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em"

This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.

The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."