Good advice? Feedback needed!

[OneAccord]

Since my wife died nearly 3 years ago, I have been counseling other people who are dealing with the lose of a loved one. I'm involved with a widows/widowers internet group and someone there sent me this question. Tough question and, I know counseling with no formal training can do harm if I'm not careful. But since this question came direct to me, I feel I need to respond. I want to be sure my advice is sound before I reply. Your input (and prayers for this family) are appreciated....

The family I'm referring to is a man and his 4 year old son who just lost the wife and mother. The 4 year old is telling his daddy that he wants to die so he can go to be with his mommy. The man asked me how to deal with this.

This is my response:

Wow. That is really sad. My heart goes out to you and your son. Its so hard for small kids to comprehend the concept of death. Its hard for us to make sense of it all, I can only imagine how hard it is on a 4 yr old.

I believe in God, I believe in heaven, but I wonder if its always good to speak of death to a young one in terms like "God wanted Mommy to be with Him", or "Daddy was needed in heaven". Sometimes, I think this might make a child think of God as being selfish...putting His needs and wants over the childs needs. The child wants and need, Mommy, too, why does God get to take Mommy away? Could this be why some kids, who lose a parent at an early age, turn away from God in later years? I don't know. Sometimes, I think its best to use straight talk to kids: "Mommy has died. She wants you to stay here so you can grow up and make Mommy AND Daddy proud of you." (Include yourself in the picture). Using this example, the child is taught that his goal is not to have his Mommy back, but to do something for her- make her proud. The child is told the truth: (Mommy has died). He is told what Mommy wants (the child to go on living) and it gives him a goal to work toward (making mommy and daddy proud).

I would suggest talking to your son on these terms and see how it goes. And, maybe some grief counselling for both you and your son, would be in order. I hope all goes well.

Good advice? Your feedback is needed and valued. So so are your prayers for this family. Thanks.

[acerrak]

i think you did as good as you could do in this current situation. its very sad when you lose anyone you love. words never fill in the void. My mother has lost 2 husbands, and after her second husband died she was very much the same way.

And i kept telling her your grandkids need you, My kids were tour up over the loss, and was devistated, and for this child will be even more devistated.

counsel can help as well

[rgcraig]

I agree - - you should be open and honest with the child about death.

Here's a couple articles that you might want to read to gleen a few more nuggets.

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotion...ngs/death.html

http://www.ccascounseling.org/Tellin...ut%20Death.htm

[CC1]

OneAccord,

I think you gave excellent advice. A very heartbreaking situation. I think it is important that within the limited understanding of a 4 year old the child be given the reasons you gave as to why he needs to live a long full life.

I lost my dad at age 13 and I had to work very hard to not become bitter toward God. I had a great dad and he was a huge part of my life. When I would see some alcoholic homeless person begging for money, not contributing to society, not serving God, and probably having alienated his family, I would instinctively ask God "Why couldn't you have taken that bum instead of my dad?". I won't have an answer until I get to heaven but one thing that helped was that I knew my Dad was ready to meet God and those bums were not and still had a chance to straighten out their life.

[Esther]

I think your advice was sound. I think the father needs to let the son know how much he needs his son.