Quote:
Originally Posted by The Matt
I made it to prayer meeting. It was extremely awkward. It felt like a strange place I'd never been to, and I felt like everyone could read every emotion I was feeling. I remember putting on my big I'm ok smile a few times, but I remember more times where I just muttered a half hearted "I'm good". I felt like everyone was thinking "Oh look. The backslider. He must've run out of dope" I broke down crying on the way home, and my poor dad bless his heart tried to comfort me, but he's a bit of an emotional cripple. He tries though, he loves me. All I could think was "Mama would have known exactly what to say," and it made me cry even more. I go to the psychiatrist tomorrow. I have to decide what to tell her. I can't tell her I did any drugs, I've been warned before that she will stop seeing me if it happens again. It just feels like a losing battle, I know exactly what's going to happen. She's going to cut one medicine, start me on another, its not going to work, another month of misery, rinse and repeat. I can't tell her how stressed I am, because anxiety medicine is just going to send me on a downward spiral. Oh, and the chest pain came back again. Physical manifestation of heartache? Indigestion? Medication side effect? Wrong kind of soap? I have no idea. Everything seems like the hardest decision in the world, and I don't know if I make my life this bad, or if life is actually this complicated and I just don't know how to deal with it. 1 Corinthians 10:13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it. God, I'm begging you to live up to your word. I'm past my limit. I need my escape. |
Well Matt...all I can say is that I've been there and done that except for the illegal drug part. Those who have never been through mental anguish, panic attacks and the inability to sleep should keep their mouth shut about you. Chest pain? Had it for years. I'll probably drop dead from a heart attack because it is difficult to distinguish between anxiety pain and a true physical pain. Oh well...
I've learned to just try to calm down and trust Jesus. But now just remember I am over the hump in my fifties and that could very well happen. However, nobody ever died from a panic attack. You are young and strong.
I spent a lot of my younger years crying because my pain (scars) inside is something that people hardly will ever understand. They cannot see it, touch it or experience it. I've learned to just live with the pain. Still have it years later, but...Christ has been the one I've learned to lean on. People will never understand. Christ always understands.
One time I came to church after working 12 1/2 hours, I was feeling especially lonely amongst the 50 or so people around me at church. The pastor just called an altar call and I went up just to praise the Lord. While I was praising Him a happening occurred that I have had only one time. I was praising Him and it seemed as though all the other people praising...their voices and shouting just melted away to where I did not hear a thing. Then a very strong manly voice spoke to me. It was the only voice I heard up there at the altar. I heard it, but it was not anybody speaking into my ear...in other words, it was audible, but not physically audible. It was definitely not any human voice in the room. Very hard to explain. I felt His anointing (I call it the spotlight because that is what it felt like shining) on me. It felt warm, loving and accepting of me in my broken and feeble state of mind. He said to me and I will be paraphrasing it because it was about 29 or 30 years ago when this happened. He told me that he understood that I felt lonely...that nobody understands me and that I felt like I had no friends. But that He was my friend if nobody else was my friend. That He knew things about me that I did not even know (in other words, I was not aware of) about myself. I thought, how can that be? What is there about me that I do not even know about myself? But He told me He loved me and would always be my friend.
Then slowly...the noise from other people shouting and praising the Lord started to return to my acuity and I found myself back in awareness of my surroundings. I felt the glow of the anointing for three days afterwards.
It was a wonderful experience. It was a very special experience and I only tell it to people who are experiencing emotional difficulty.
The Lord did show me some years later what it was that He knew about me that I was not aware of at that time. He helped me deal with the emotional aspect about it. In fact, it never ends. The Lord will always deal with us, teaching us, refining us to be more like Him. I still have a long way to go, I feel.
Now I told my special experience to you because I want you to know that God does love and care for you. You may not think anybody understands or cares about how you feel, but our Savior cares deeply for our well being, both physically and mentally. But you got to talk to him about it. And it doesn't always have to be anguishly on your knees and face on the floor. Sometimes just talking to him as you go for a walk. Or talking to him on your drive to work while believing that He careth for you.
So you made a little slide back. God still cares for you. He still loves you and wants you to have a more abundant life. The point is...you keep trying even in the face of despair to cry out to the Lord. People tire of other people, but Christ never tires of us.
These scriptures below about sums up the goodness of God. Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ. Nothing.
Romans 8:35-39
35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?
36 As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter.
37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,
39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Heh. I am just encouraged by these scriptures myself.
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