Things "Another Jesus" Might Say

[deacon blues]

Then Peter said unto them, Repent with true tearful and loathesome angst, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ being fully immersed by a Oneness preacher for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost with initial evidence of speaking in other tongues, living an overcoming life free from all jewelry, make-up, pants on women, with hair on women uncut, no facial hair on men, devoid of bowling, movie theaters, organized sports and professional sporting events, amusement parks, carnivals, or county fairs, no wedding rings, sleeves long enough to cover the elbow, no card games, games with dice, Old Maid, or Monopoly, no television, rented movies from Red Box, nor any Hollywood produced entertainment, and then maybe just maybe if you call on the name of the Lord you might be saved.