Emotional affair

[A_PoMo]

Originally Posted by IsolatedSaint

Ah....that's one reason why we need to marry that person whom God has ordained for us to be married to because that is indeed the one that can fulfill all of our needs(including the emotional ones).

Most of the books I've read on marriage and relationships would disagree with you on the point that our mate can meet all of our emotional needs and that we shouldn't expect them to meet them all and we should be more realistic in this area.

Which causes me to think, ok, if these are NEEDS and not mere preferences (thus they MUST be met in order for us to maintain emotional health and stability and we WILL find a way to meet them no matter what) then what does a person do if their mate doesn't meet their emotional needs? How does a person deal with this situation.

I read one book that said that emotional affairs, while not appropriate, can have a stabilizing effect on a marriage because the one person is getting their emotional needs met and thus is less likely, in some cases, to leave the marriage. This is a Christian book btw.

I'm not saying I agree with all this, just posing the questions.

[A_PoMo]

Originally Posted by Rhoni

The place an affair begins is in the seat of emotions. The person reaches out to you in an area not being met by your spouse.

The Bible tells us that it begins with a thought, then another thought, then a feeling, and before it is finished it becomes sin.

In this process it appears that action (sin) flows out of emotion. When repairing a damaged relationship is the reverse true? Do you believe that feelings follow action? Thus if a person does something long enough that the emotion associated with that action will come later.

In the context of relationships we generally do things because of emotion, like give our girl flowers because we feel warm and fuzzy feelings about her. We express our emotions through actions that way.

In the context of the aftermath of an emotional affair or the rebuilding of a damaged relationship most books say that you should do the 'loving' things even though you don't feel it and that eventually you will feel it. Thus, even though you don't feel positive emotions toward your mate that you should do loving and romantic things for them and eventually you will feel the warm and fuzzies again. I wonder about that.

What do you think?

[ILG]

Originally Posted by A_PoMo

Why do you believe an emotional affair is adultery?

I don't believe that an emotional affair is adultery any more than I believe that a man oogling a woman on the street is adultery. Neither one is wise and both show a need for personal growth and potential for adultery.

[A_PoMo]

Originally Posted by ILG

I don't believe that an emotional affair is adultery any more than I believe that a man oogling a woman on the street is adultery. Neither one is wise and both show a need for personal growth and potential for adultery.

i don't believe it is either. but the other poster said they believed it is adultery and i was wondering why they hold to that position.

[Tim Rutledge]

Originally Posted by A_PoMo

Since I'm a friend of Dizzy, thus automatically uber-narcissistic, I decided to start a thread about what I want to talk about.

I read a book recently that discussed, in part, emotional affairs in marriage. This book claims that an emotional affair is adultery, thus grounds for divorce according to the Bible.

According to this book an emotional affair occurs when a married person transfers their emotional allegiance from their spouse to another person and invests themselves on an emotional/romantic/intimate level with that person instead of with their spouse. No sexual relations occur in this type of 'affair', it's purely emotional. The author claims that at the moment this emotional connection occurs the affair/adultery begins and if it continues will probably result in sexual relations, which obviously is the classic definition of adultery. The book claims that an emotional affair is a bona fide illicit affair on the same par with a physical affair and, as I mentioned already, is adultery.

I confess, I'd never HEARD of an emotional affair, as defined, before I read this chapter of the book, which is why it stuck with me because I thought it was such a peculiar stance. Since I want to be a pastor when I grow up I've asked around about this and have received a variety of responses.

What do you think? Is there such a thing as an emotional affair? Is it really an affair? Is it adultery or something less?

Whether adultery is grounds for divorce is for another thread. I'm just curious what you think about the notion of an emotional 'affair'.

An emotional affair would not be "Biblical" adultery. Although I see where it could actually be at least equally as damaging.

[ILG]

Originally Posted by Tim Rutledge

An emotional affair would not be "Biblical" adultery. Although I see where it could actually be at least equally as damaging.

I only think it would be equally damaging if your spouse THOUGHT you were having an actual one. An emotional affair would put a marriage in jeopardy but I think it would be a lot easier to recover from than an actual affair.

[Tim Rutledge]

Originally Posted by ILG

I only think it would be equally damaging if your spouse THOUGHT you were having an actual one. An emotional affair would put a marriage in jeopardy but I think it would be a lot easier to recover from than an actual affair.

I agree.

[IsolatedSaint]

Originally Posted by A_PoMo

Most of the books I've read on marriage and relationships would disagree with you on the point that our mate can meet all of our emotional needs and that we shouldn't expect them to meet them all and we should be more realistic in this area.

Which causes me to think, ok, if these are NEEDS and not mere preferences (thus they MUST be met in order for us to maintain emotional health and stability and we WILL find a way to meet them no matter what) then what does a person do if their mate doesn't meet their emotional needs? How does a person deal with this situation.

I read one book that said that emotional affairs, while not appropriate, can have a stabilizing effect on a marriage because the one person is getting their emotional needs met and thus is less likely, in some cases, to leave the marriage. This is a Christian book btw.

I'm not saying I agree with all this, just posing the questions.

Maybe I need to make myself more understood as to what I mean.......it's called chemistry!!!...when you and your mate got it you won't be needing to look elsewhere for any kind of fullfillment(emotional or otherwise). It's so simple....come to think of it will someone please tell me just what do you all mean by emotional needs anyway. What is an emotional need.....it obvious to me that those with these so-called emotional needs need to return to there first love and are in need to be filled with the Holy Ghost again....call it needing revival or whatever......people with these emotional needs(saved or unsaved but we are primarily talking about saved folks here)have a void in there life that can only be satisfied by Jesus!!! This emotional need stuff comes under the heading of foolishness and needs to be addressed as such. This is the type of void the sinners have, not Apostolic/Oneness people.

[A_PoMo]

Originally Posted by IsolatedSaint

This emotional need stuff comes under the heading of foolishness and needs to be addressed as such. This is the type of void the sinners have, not Apostolic/Oneness people.

Apostolic/Oneness people are not sinners?

One author states, using Ephesians 5 as a basis, that the primary emotional need of a woman is love and the primary emotional need of a man is respect. If a mate does not receive this from their partner the relationship will eventually suffer dramatically.

I understand that Christ is to be the at the center of our relationships. But we can't overspiritualize the dynamics of our relationships.

[jaxfam6]

Originally Posted by IsolatedSaint

Maybe I need to make myself more understood as to what I mean.......it's called chemistry!!!...when you and your mate got it you won't be needing to look elsewhere for any kind of fullfillment(emotional or otherwise). It's so simple....come to think of it will someone please tell me just what do you all mean by emotional needs anyway. What is an emotional need.....it obvious to me that those with these so-called emotional needs need to return to there first love and are in need to be filled with the Holy Ghost again....call it needing revival or whatever......people with these emotional needs(saved or unsaved but we are primarily talking about saved folks here)have a void in there life that can only be satisfied by Jesus!!! This emotional need stuff comes under the heading of foolishness and needs to be addressed as such. This is the type of void the sinners have, not Apostolic/Oneness people.

just to clarify

you are saying that because you have the Holy Ghost you NEVER need to have your spouse or ANYONE ever tell you they love you, need you, think you are great, want to spend time with you, join you for dinner, talk to you about ANYTHING, etc etc....?
God fills all those things in your life?

So then what would be the purpose of going to church? You would be an island unto yourself. You would need no one or nothing. I do not believe that is correct or even Biblical.

just wanting clarification on your comment.