Backslid husband

[bcriswell86]

Let me start this post by saying I was raised in church and my parents quit and divorced when I was 11, My mom just recently got back in church along with my stepdad, which is great and I am thankful for, because that was my prayer for a long time. Now, I have been faced with a new trial... My husband was in church when we got married 3 almost 4 years ago....in the past year, for whatever reason, he quit church and has recently started drinking, not everyday but off and on (not that that justifies it), occasionally he is very verbally abusive with me, and has started cursing.... things just roll of his tongue, I think before he even knows it. I feel so drained, not defeated, but very worn out in my spirit, i feel like the first part of my life i pleaded with God to bring my parents to a place that they knew they couldn't live without God, and now I find myself doing the same with my husband. It is a complete strain on me. We have a 2 year old son who needs desperately to see his father in church. My husband lets on to his family who is 8 hrs away that he still goes to church, but has not been in several months. I know i shouldn't question God, but sometimes I get tired of wearing a happy face... I am tired of being the only lady at my church who sits through service without a spouse by her side.. I see the support and the love that other men in our church give to their wives and it makes me think of the way the things once were. I have prayed, I have cried... I don't know what to do.... It is very difficult to hold on; please someone ....tell me what i should do.... *distrought*

[Praxeas]

Originally Posted by bcriswell86

Let me start this post by saying I was raised in church and my parents quit and divorced when I was 11, My mom just recently got back in church along with my stepdad, which is great and I am thankful for, because that was my prayer for a long time. Now, I have been faced with a new trial... My husband was in church when we got married 3 almost 4 years ago....in the past year, for whatever reason, he quit church and has recently started drinking, not everyday but off and on (not that that justifies it), occasionally he is very verbally abusive with me, and has started cursing.... things just roll of his tongue, I think before he even knows it. I feel so drained, not defeated, but very worn out in my spirit, i feel like the first part of my life i pleaded with God to bring my parents to a place that they knew they couldn't live without God, and now I find myself doing the same with my husband. It is a complete strain on me. We have a 2 year old son who needs desperately to see his father in church. My husband lets on to his family who is 8 hrs away that he still goes to church, but has not been in several months. I know i shouldn't question God, but sometimes I get tired of wearing a happy face... I am tired of being the only lady at my church who sits through service without a spouse by her side.. I see the support and the love that other men in our church give to their wives and it makes me think of the way the things once were. I have prayed, I have cried... I don't know what to do.... It is very difficult to hold on; please someone ....tell me what i should do.... *distrought*

You should probably post this in the fellowship hall or the prayer room. This room is for discussing doctrine

[bcriswell86]

sorry , i am new here, not sure where everything goes....

[bcriswell86]

Let me start this post by saying I was raised in church and my parents quit and divorced when I was 11, My mom just recently got back in church along with my stepdad, which is great and I am thankful for, because that was my prayer for a long time. Now, I have been faced with a new trial... My husband was in church when we got married 3 almost 4 years ago....in the past year, for whatever reason, he quit church and has recently started drinking, not everyday but off and on (not that that justifies it), occasionally he is very verbally abusive with me, and has started cursing.... things just roll of his tongue, I think before he even knows it. I feel so drained, not defeated, but very worn out in my spirit, i feel like the first part of my life i pleaded with God to bring my parents to a place that they knew they couldn't live without God, and now I find myself doing the same with my husband. It is a complete strain on me. We have a 2 year old son who needs desperately to see his father in church. My husband lets on to his family who is 8 hrs away that he still goes to church, but has not been in several months. I know i shouldn't question God, but sometimes I get tired of wearing a happy face... I am tired of being the only lady at my church who sits through service without a spouse by her side.. I see the support and the love that other men in our church give to their wives and it makes me think of the way the things once were. I have prayed, I have cried... I don't know what to do.... It is very difficult to hold on; please someone ....tell me what i should do.... *distrought*

[Falla39]

Originally Posted by bcriswell86

Let me start this post by saying I was raised in church and my parents quit and divorced when I was 11, My mom just recently got back in church along with my stepdad, which is great and I am thankful for, because that was my prayer for a long time. Now, I have been faced with a new trial... My husband was in church when we got married 3 almost 4 years ago....in the past year, for whatever reason, he quit church and has recently started drinking, not everyday but off and on (not that that justifies it), occasionally he is very verbally abusive with me, and has started cursing.... things just roll of his tongue, I think before he even knows it. I feel so drained, not defeated, but very worn out in my spirit, i feel like the first part of my life i pleaded with God to bring my parents to a place that they knew they couldn't live without God, and now I find myself doing the same with my husband. It is a complete strain on me. We have a 2 year old son who needs desperately to see his father in church. My husband lets on to his family who is 8 hrs away that he still goes to church, but has not been in several months. I know i shouldn't question God, but sometimes I get tired of wearing a happy face... I am tired of being the only lady at my church who sits through service without a spouse by her side.. I see the support and the love that other men in our church give to their wives and it makes me think of the way the things once were. I have prayed, I have cried... I don't know what to do.... It is very difficult to hold on; please someone ....tell me what i should do.... *distrought*

Little Wife and Mother,
HOLD ON!! Sending PM!!
HUGS,
Falla39

[Falla39]

Brittany,
Someone has moved this for you!

[A.W. Bowman]

You have made a good start- praying.

My recommendation is to start communicating with your husband - and I will warn you right up front that will most likely not be an easy task. It will take time and perseverance because he will be very reluctant to discuss anything of importance to him or that makes him feel challenged. Also, any discussion that moves beyond the, "Everything is alright. (I don't want to talk about it.)" stage will be emotionally charged. Loud voice, more cursing, etc.)

I would suggest you not to discuss 'the need to be in church', that will only reinforce his silence and push him further into his current position.

Rather, search for the root cause in his change in behavior. What happened at church (event, preaching, personal conflict, etc.) that caused his upset. Don't try to cover everything at one setting - just take one or two subjects (at the most) at a time. No shot gun attack.

Is he convicted about something he did that he is ashamed of and can't get back 'right' with God? Has he sinned against you and God? Guilt can also have a profound effect on a man and his behavior.

While I have offered a couple of approaches,I would also strongly recommend that you seek council from one or more close lady friends at church. Perhaps one or more of them have husbands who are (were) friends with your husband before he started skipping church. Seek a mature saint to met with you husband outside of the church and home environments, where quite and confidential discussions can take place (emotional safety is critical).

The root causes almost always fall into one of the following categories:

I have sinned and don't know how to get out of it (can't get forgiven, will I be found out, etc.).

I feel pressured to do things I don't want to do (nagging by spouse, pastor, etc.) such as attending every service just because the church doors are open, being made guilty for not attending church work days, not giving enough, etc.

I don't believe the things that are being preached at church (disputes over doctrine, performance requirements, etc.).

And, while it may be a little bit of all of these things, it might something else altogether - so before going into any confrontation, seek some godly advice (face to face interviews with mature saints). I would also not involve the pastor, until you can rule him and/or his teaching out as the root cause(s).

These internet counseling efforts might actually cause more harm than good - so, again, seek out someone you know and trust and talk it over with them before doing anything.

---------

Added comment - I would think Falla will have better advice than mine. Go with her first.

[StillStanding]

Originally Posted by HaShaliach

You have made a good start- praying.

My recommendation is to start communicating with your husband - and I will warn you right you front that will most likely not be an easy task. It will take time and perseverance because he will be very reluctant to discuss anything of importance to him or that makes him feel challenged. Also, any discussion that moves beyond the, "Everything is alright. (I don't want to talk about it.)" stage will be emotionally charged. Loud voice, more cursing, etc.)

I would suggest you not to discuss 'the need to be in church', that will only reinforce his silence and push him further into his current position.

Rather, search for the root cause in his change in behavior. What happened at church (event, preaching, personal conflict, etc.) that caused his upset. Don't try to cover everything at one setting - just take one or two subjects (at the most) at a time. No shot gun attack.

Is he convicted about something he did that he is ashamed of and can't get back 'right' with God? Has he sinned against you and God? Guilt can also have a profound effect on a man and his behavior.

While I have offered a couple of approaches,I would also strongly recommend that you seek council from one or more close lady friends at church. Perhaps one or more of them have husbands who are (were) friends with your husband before he started skipping church. Seek a mature saint to met with you husband outside of the church and home environments, where quite and confidential discussions can take place (emotional safety is critical).

The root causes almost always fall into one of the following categories:

I have sinned and don't know how to get out of it (can't get forgiven, will I be found out, etc.).

I feel pressured to do things I don't want to do (nagging by spouse, pastor, etc.) such as attending every service just because the church doors are open, being made guilty for not attending church work days, not giving enough, etc.

I don't believe the things that are being preached at church (disputes over doctrine, performance requirements, etc.).

And, while it may be a little bit of all of these things, it might something else altogether - so before going into any confrontation, seek some godly advice (face to face interviews with mature saints). I would also not involve the pastor, until you can rule him and/or his teaching out as the root cause(s).

These internet counseling efforts might actually cause more harm than good - so, again, seek out someone you know and trust and talk it over with them before doing anything.

---------

Added comment - I would think Falla will have better advice than mine. Go with her first.

This is some pretty good advice.

To me, your story indicates a marriage problem that is being translated into a church problem. My advice is to work on your marriage first, as it is more important than your relationship with the church. Once you get answers to question as mentioned by HaShaliach above, you'll have a better idea how you need to respond. Good luck!

[Jason B]

Originally Posted by Mr. Steinway

This is some pretty good advice.

To me, your story indicates a marriage problem that is being translated into a church problem. My advice is to work on your marriage first, as it is more important than your relationship with the church. Once you get answers to question as mentioned by HaShaliach above, you'll have a better idea how you need to respond. Good luck!

Yep, good advice from the man's point of view.

[Cindy]

How did y'all get a marriage problem out of her post? And why put that kind of guilt on her?