Backslid husband

[Jason B]

Originally Posted by Cindy

How did y'all get a marriage problem out of her post? And why put that kind of guilt on her?

Cindy I don't think anyone is suggesing putting guilt on her. The problem comes from a partner who is running away from God, which always causes a problem, whether married or single, no one turns away from God and improves their life.

If I decide today that I am going to quit going to church and begin to be the Lord of my own life, it will cause problems in my marriage, regardless of my wives attitude. In Christ we have a great marriage (not perfect, but really good), if one of us were to become seperated from Christ it would be extremely damaging to our marriage, regardless of the other partners devotion to God. I do believe that there can be an "innocent party".

[RandyWayne]

Originally Posted by Cindy

How did y'all get a marriage problem out of her post? And why put that kind of guilt on her?

There certainly isn't enough details given to given any intelligent advice outside of hypotheticals.

Having said that, being out of the UPC for as long as I have but still remembering the culture like it was yesterday, I do pick up on certain key words. Church attendance and appearances play SUCH a huge role if neither are measuring up then one is thought to be "backslid". I would ask anyone in such similar situation as the poster, man or woman, would you accept going to a different church if it meant you spouse was actually willing to GO to church? The parallel question is, do you care about your spouses walk with God or do you care more about appearances in wanting to be seen with them by people you know as the happy family unit that you so desire?

Just responding to a scenario as it may appear in a text book.

[Cindy]

Originally Posted by RandyWayne

There certainly isn't enough details given to given any intelligent advice outside of hypotheticals.

Having said that, being out of the UPC for as long as I have but still remembering the culture like it was yesterday, I do pick up on certain key words. Church attendance and appearances play SUCH a huge role if neither are measuring up then one is thought to be "backslid". I would ask anyone in such similar situation as the poster, man or woman, would you accept going to a different church if it meant you spouse was actually willing to GO to church? The parallel question is, do you care about your spouses walk with God or do you care more about appearances in wanting to be seen with them by people you know as the happy family unit that you so desire?

Just responding to a scenario as it may appear in a text book.

I would think if he has become verbally abusive and cursing at her, that shows something that most Christians don't do, I hope. Did it happen before or after he stopped going to church. I can understand not wanting to be at church alone, I attended for many years without my husband. It is hard.

[RandyWayne]

Originally Posted by Cindy

I would think if he has become verbally abusive and cursing at her, that shows something that most Christians don't do, I hope. Did it happen before or after he stopped going to church. I can understand not wanting to be at church alone, I attended for many years without my husband. It is hard.

I picked up on that detail as well. But who really believes that this is an issue with church attendance? The lack thereof is no doubt the result not the cause of the other, bigger issues.
Again, all of this theorizing is nothing more then talking about a hypothetical since we know virtually nothing about the situation.

[ILG]

Sorry you are going through this. I would suggest that you assume the best about your husband. Assume that he is simply of a different frame of mind than you. An occasional drink does not mean an alcoholic. Some verbal abuse and cursing, although hurtful, may simply be frustration on his part. Just as we need to have faith in God, try to have faith in your husband. Do not judge him. You might be surprised that he may not be as wrong as you may think. Try to see his point of view. Respect his opinion more than you respect your pastors and see him begin to open up. I hope he is not going to turn for the worse. But, belief in him can only help the situation.

[Socialite]

Originally Posted by HaShaliach

You have made a good start- praying.

My recommendation is to start communicating with your husband - and I will warn you right up front that will most likely not be an easy task. It will take time and perseverance because he will be very reluctant to discuss anything of importance to him or that makes him feel challenged. Also, any discussion that moves beyond the, "Everything is alright. (I don't want to talk about it.)" stage will be emotionally charged. Loud voice, more cursing, etc.)

I would suggest you not to discuss 'the need to be in church', that will only reinforce his silence and push him further into his current position.

Rather, search for the root cause in his change in behavior. What happened at church (event, preaching, personal conflict, etc.) that caused his upset. Don't try to cover everything at one setting - just take one or two subjects (at the most) at a time. No shot gun attack.

Is he convicted about something he did that he is ashamed of and can't get back 'right' with God? Has he sinned against you and God? Guilt can also have a profound effect on a man and his behavior.

While I have offered a couple of approaches,I would also strongly recommend that you seek council from one or more close lady friends at church. Perhaps one or more of them have husbands who are (were) friends with your husband before he started skipping church. Seek a mature saint to met with you husband outside of the church and home environments, where quite and confidential discussions can take place (emotional safety is critical).

The root causes almost always fall into one of the following categories:

I have sinned and don't know how to get out of it (can't get forgiven, will I be found out, etc.).

I feel pressured to do things I don't want to do (nagging by spouse, pastor, etc.) such as attending every service just because the church doors are open, being made guilty for not attending church work days, not giving enough, etc.

I don't believe the things that are being preached at church (disputes over doctrine, performance requirements, etc.).

And, while it may be a little bit of all of these things, it might something else altogether - so before going into any confrontation, seek some godly advice (face to face interviews with mature saints). I would also not involve the pastor, until you can rule him and/or his teaching out as the root cause(s).

These internet counseling efforts might actually cause more harm than good - so, again, seek out someone you know and trust and talk it over with them before doing anything.

---------

Added comment - I would think Falla will have better advice than mine. Go with her first.

WISE ADVICE!!!

His lashing out may not be related to the new drinking patterns, but the two may be related to something else. (When he drinks, is he getting drunk everytime?)

[Socialite]

Originally Posted by Cindy

How did y'all get a marriage problem out of her post? And why put that kind of guilt on her?

Verbally abusiveness? That has got to put a stress on a relationship. I'm not sure thats putting guilt on her though. Why would you say it's putting guilt on her?

[Cindy]

Originally Posted by Socialite

Verbally abusiveness? That has got to put a stress on a relationship. I'm not sure thats putting guilt on her though. Why would you say it's putting guilt on her?

She posted a problem as she saw it as a spiritual problem on her husband's part. Then it was suggested maybe it was the marriage that was the problem instead.

[ILG]

Then again, maybe it's not the marriage or the husband. Maybe it's the church.

(I kind of suspect it is since she feels inferior and unloved just because her husband doesn't attend.)

[Falla39]

Many years ago, a well-meaning older lady advised me that if I would go to another
church, she thought my husband would probably go more regularly with me. I knew
that our going to the church my father had founded, just prior to our marriage, was
NOT the probem. We did not go elsewhere.

The thing about it was, although this dear lady, who was raised in the church and
raised her children in church, did not have a child living for God. Still doesn't. She
is deceased as of about a year ago. This was in another city.

If you are going to advise someone else, be sure you have some fruit
hanging from the branches of your own "tree", life!

It is hard to take others to places (physically or in experiece), we have not been
ourselves. Can't relate. I can learn from what I have seen others go through without
going through it myself. But as far as relating to where they have been or what they
went through, we can't. We may sympathize but we cannot emphasize !

Many times since those early days, with all of our children and grandchildren
and great great-grandchild, in church, my darling of 51 yrs has told me! "You know,
your Dad really raised me. I was such a kid! Immature, headstrong! I am SO
GLAD WE STAYED"! We both lived and learned together, with the help of
our parents, grandparents, and most of all, OUR GREAT LORD GOD!!!

Just some thoughts!

Falla39