Divorce - Adultery Thread

[rgcraig]

Originally Posted by DividedThigh

renda my friend i know that hurt a bit when your daughter said that, but she did the right thing in coming back after contemplating what she said and what you were doing, and of course those of us who have suffered are well aware of things to do to protect ourselves and our own, my hat is off to you sis, and your daughter who came back and reconnected, dt

Thanks! It did sting, but I knew she had every right to think that and I also knew that she'd come to realize differently. I thank the Lord we have the great relationship we do.

She actually asked me to be her maid of honor for her wedding - - big honor!! We talked it through though and I told her I'd feel more comfortable being the mother of the bride, but just knowing she honored me by asking was worth it all!!!!

[Carpenter]

My word...having a daughter scares the dirt out of me...every day getting closer to the inevatible when I become irrelevent for 6-8 years of her life.

[Rhoni]

Originally Posted by OP_Carl

Good point.

It's not easy, is it?

No it isn't...especially when you feel you should have gotten an apology years ago and you know you never will

Forgiveness is something you have to keep working on every day...it is a choice. This is also something good to address in pre-marital counseling.

Blessings, Rhoni

[rgcraig]

Originally Posted by Carpenter

My word...having a daughter scares the dirt out of me...every day getting closer to the inevitable when I become irrelevant for 6-8 years of her life.

You'll do fine!

[MrsMcD]

Originally Posted by Grasshopper

I don’t think looking at a catalogue or pictures is grounds for divorce. If you ladies don’t mind, I’d like to share something I was taught as a young man. Some may not agree, and I might be wrong on some points (I’m still learning). But this helped me when I was a young man. Here’s what Jesus said,

Matthew 5:27-28
{5:27} Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time,
Thou shalt not commit adultery: {5:28} But I say unto you,
That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath
committed adultery with her already in his heart.

What we see here is that Jesus addresses the intent in the clause, “to lust after”. That means that if a man looks at a woman with the intent of seducing her and using her physically to gratify his desires he has committed adultery with her already in his heart. This is because the very desire to commit the act exists in the heart. Notice Jesus also didn’t say, “That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery.” Jesus is focusing on a heart issue here, not the actually stating that the sin was committed. An important note should be made here; this doesn’t mean that every time a man admires, is aroused, or finds himself interested in the physical beauty of a woman he’s committed adultery. Any honest man will admit that there is a big difference between looking at a woman with intent to really pursue and have relations with her and looking at a picture of an attractive woman. A man can look at a picture or painting of a woman and admire her beauty, yet refrain from the desire to actually pursue her. The line is drawn. He isn’t looking “to lust after” her. If a man commits adultery every time he looks a woman, a picture, a painting, or something provocative or intimate that arouses his male interests we’re all doomed adulterers (including our wives, women aren’t exempt). Jesus is addressing the heart of an unfaithful man who looks around for women so that he can lust after them with intent to pursue.

When I was a young man I felt condemned and ready to give up nearly every time I looked at a girl or a woman or stood in a checkout line at the grocery store. I had all the normal struggles that nearly every young boy has and I was convinced I was lost and that God hated me. But an elder shared this with me when I finally broke down and we had a man to man discussion. I was told that it was natural and healthy for men to admire a woman’s beauty; the sin in the heart begins the moment we decide we’re going to actually pursue relations outside the context of marriage. Once we’ve looked at a woman with intent to pursue, we’ve crossed the line and adultery has been born in the heart. He then met up with me at church and we prayed all that condemnation off of me at the altar, I felt like the world was lifted from my shoulders. I thought God would never love me but I learned in the days that followed that I my heavenly Father loved me and that I was perfectly normal in his sight. I was just becoming a man.

The problem with stimulating materials is that they can activate a man’s imagination to the point where fantasy and reality are blurred. When this happens a man is desensitized and more likely to begin looking to actually pursuing other women (lusting). It also gives a false airbrushed impression of female beauty that most real women can’t compete with. This can lead a man to feel less satisfied with his wife and as a result defraud her of her needs.

Wives, if you go through your husband’s stuff and find he’s looked at inappropriate things, don’t overreact. I know it’s hard to understand but men compartmentalize things. To a man sex and love can be totally separate things while for most women they are interconnected. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or even that you’re failing him or been inadequate in some way. Men are strange like this. Women have their strange emotional deals…men have their strange compartmentalization’s. If this happens you both need to talk and be there for one another and pray together. You’re a team. He needs someone he can be weak and vulnerable with and if it will not be you (his wife) he’ll continue to venture into fantasy land where he can feel free, safe, and in control. Or worse, he’ll find another woman he can open up to that makes him feel safe and in control. Forgive one another knowing that you’re both human. Too many good marriages are being destroyed over too many dumb things that can be worked out. To expect perfection is to doom your marriage. Something like this is a life moment that will reveal how safe and open you feel with one another and how dedicated you are to get beyond the “little foxes” that spoil the vineyard. Or it will reveal how unrealistic your expectations are of one another. But I’m persuaded good things about Christian marriages. I think Christian couples have an advantage…we understand grace and forgiveness better than those in the world.

*(All of the above goes for husbands that might find something too. Men aren’t the only one’s who have had trouble in this area. Love your wives men, seek to understand them, and be patient with them. Like you, they’re only human.)

So I said all that to say this…LOL

I don’t think porn or things of that nature are grounds for divorce. It's grounds to take the day off work and talk and try to understand each other better. A little unconditional love, understanding, repentance, and forgiveness will go along way.

Love, learn, and grow. God bless.

P.S.
Men, don't be afraid to open up if your wives. And if you're struggling with this, odds are your wives already know it. Most wives are more upset with the lies and hypocrisy than the issue itself. The secrecy and deception will do more harm than admitting the weakness of your humanity to your wives. They love you. I don’t know why I feel compelled to write this. God bless.

I agree with most of your post. The highlighted part - I do not. If you were a woman and went through your husband's stuff and found that he had been looking at internet pornography or if you found hidden porn magazines, there is no way not to overreact. If a man is a true Christian, he wouldn't be looking at online porn nor would he be hiding porn magazines. Plus, if it is something that has been going on for years, and the wife/husband finds out after years of marriage, it's not so easy for the offended spouse to just talk about it and pray together. I know because this just happened to one of my best friends. She had no idea that her husband had been pulling up porn on the computer. He got careless one day and forgot to clear out the history.

Originally Posted by MrsMcD

I agree with most of your post. The highlighted part - I do not. If you were a woman and went through your husband's stuff and found that he had been looking at internet pornography or if you found hidden porn magazines, there is no way not to overreact. If a man is a true Christian, he wouldn't be looking at online porn nor would he be hiding porn magazines. Plus, if it is something that has been going on for years, and the wife/husband finds out after years of marriage, it's not so easy for the offended spouse to just talk about it and pray together. I know because this just happened to one of my best friends. She had no idea that her husband had been pulling up porn on the computer. He got careless one day and forgot to clear out the history.

I believe it was a study performed by Bro. Ensey in a Pentecostal Herald, but the study revealed that nearly 2 out of every 5 licensed ministers have struggles or have struggled with pornography. It's far more prevalent than you might imagine. The more I work with men in church the more I discover that this temptation is something like a leprosy among us. You have to understand, these are good men who love their wives and families. They are struggling with their flesh. You might also find it surprising but it's not just men struggling either. More and more women are admitting to having had struggles in this area too. These are good people, all love the Lord and their spouses...they are struggling with their flesh. They already feel more condemned than you might ever know. What they need is someone to love them unconditionally and who will seek to understand and pray with them, allowing them to pour their hearts out and get the pain out of their souls over this sin.

I know of a few couples who have had to deal with this. In one of them there was a big falling out, words said, yelling, screaming, and even a physical shoving match. The husband left the house and she told all his friends and her friends about his sin. It destroyed his ministry and they're divorced today. In another couple the wife discovered her husband's struggle in this area and one day approached him at the table asking if they could talk. She opened by expressing how much she loved and respected him for being a good husband and a wonderful father. She then calmly explained that she discovered something on the computer. He was defensive at first but she assured him that she still loved him and told him that he didn't need to feel like he had to hide this from her because she loved him. He was so overwhelmed by her love and understanding he began to cry and she took him by the hand as he began to explain how difficult it is and how it's like he just can't control it and how he felt so ashamed and filthy afterwards. As he sobbed and explained to her how he was hurting inside...she held him. They prayed together and scheduled a private counseling session with a certified Christian counselor. He voluntarily stepped down from preaching for just over six months. They worked through the problem and today the man is faithfully ministering in the church. It was a private issue their family resolved and moved beyond and they are stronger and more open with each other for it.

I even know couples who have survived affairs.

This is something the enemy loves to see destroy a marriage. Don't let some picture of an airbrushed hussy ruin your marriage. Understand that good men have weaknesses and sometimes those weaknesses get the best of them. King David was a good man who also fell tragically into sexual sin. Yet he is still regarded as a man after God's own heart. And for generations after David's death God still moved on behalf of his servant David's sake. Husbands are often like King David. Powerful, passionate, and strong in conviction. But all it takes is one weak moment and like David he can fall. From a man's perspective (you might not agree with this sis and I could be wrong) but from a male perspective sometimes I think women have a very high standard for their husbands...so high...God forbid if he's human and struggles with a sin or weakness. So we men feel we have to hide it. We make a mistake or struggle and hate ourselves for it. And we are terrified. We don't want to loose your love. We don't want it to be discovered that we failed to live up to that high expectation put upon us. Sometimes it's worse...I heard a woman once say that she'd divorce her husband the day she found out he was looking at porn. Guess what...I looked at my wife after hearing that and said, "That's one man who's hiding a lot from his wife and she doesn't have a clue." I was right. Thank God it humbled them and didn't ruin them.

Don't let porn ruin a marriage. It can be overcome with grace and prayer.

If you're ever confronted with a situation like this try to remember this one suggestion...error on the side of mercy. If a wife or husband overreacts about these kinds of things things can be said and things can be done that will cause years of hurt and that cannot be taken back. Error on the side of mercy. It might save a marriage.

[Joelel]

I think people look at porn because they don't have a good relationship with their spouse. Things like,people need to have relations with the light on instead of in the dark.You can E-mail me if you want council.

Originally Posted by Joelel

I think people look at porn because they don't have a good relationship with their spouse. Things like,people need to have relations with the light on instead of in the dark.You can E-mail me if you want council.

Sometimes that's definitely part of it. But sometimes there are other reasons. Sometimes fantasy becomes a place where a man can feel in charge or in control especially if he feels his life is out of control. It's more complicated than many think. Often the reasons are as varied as the men who struggle.

[Joelel]

Originally Posted by Grasshopper

Sometimes that's definitely part of it. But sometimes there are other reasons. Sometimes fantasy becomes a place where a man can feel in charge or in control especially if he feels his life is out of control. It's more complicated than many think. Often the reasons are as varied as the men who struggle.

That's what I'm saying,if you don't have a good relationship your life is out of control. Anytime a person don't have a good relationship the devils step in and take control.I wouldn't call it fantasy,I would call it lust.

[MrsMcD]

Originally Posted by Grasshopper

I believe it was a study performed by Bro. Ensey in a Pentecostal Herald, but the study revealed that nearly 2 out of every 5 licensed ministers have struggles or have struggled with pornography. It's far more prevalent than you might imagine. The more I work with men in church the more I discover that this temptation is something like a leprosy among us. You have to understand, these are good men who love their wives and families. They are struggling with their flesh. You might also find it surprising but it's not just men struggling either. More and more women are admitting to having had struggles in this area too. These are good people, all love the Lord and their spouses...they are struggling with their flesh. They already feel more condemned than you might ever know. What they need is someone to love them unconditionally and who will seek to understand and pray with them, allowing them to pour their hearts out and get the pain out of their souls over this sin.

I know of a few couples who have had to deal with this. In one of them there was a big falling out, words said, yelling, screaming, and even a physical shoving match. The husband left the house and she told all his friends and her friends about his sin. It destroyed his ministry and they're divorced today. In another couple the wife discovered her husband's struggle in this area and one day approached him at the table asking if they could talk. She opened by expressing how much she loved and respected him for being a good husband and a wonderful father. She then calmly explained that she discovered something on the computer. He was defensive at first but she assured him that she still loved him and told him that he didn't need to feel like he had to hide this from her because she loved him. He was so overwhelmed by her love and understanding he began to cry and she took him by the hand as he began to explain how difficult it is and how it's like he just can't control it and how he felt so ashamed and filthy afterwards. As he sobbed and explained to her how he was hurting inside...she held him. They prayed together and scheduled a private counseling session with a certified Christian counselor. He voluntarily stepped down from preaching for just over six months. They worked through the problem and today the man is faithfully ministering in the church. It was a private issue their family resolved and moved beyond and they are stronger and more open with each other for it.

I even know couples who have survived affairs.

This is something the enemy loves to see destroy a marriage. Don't let some picture of an airbrushed hussy ruin your marriage. Understand that good men have weaknesses and sometimes those weaknesses get the best of them. King David was a good man who also fell tragically into sexual sin. Yet he is still regarded as a man after God's own heart. And for generations after David's death God still moved on behalf of his servant David's sake. Husbands are often like King David. Powerful, passionate, and strong in conviction. But all it takes is one weak moment and like David he can fall. From a man's perspective (you might not agree with this sis and I could be wrong) but from a male perspective sometimes I think women have a very high standard for their husbands...so high...God forbid if he's human and struggles with a sin or weakness. So we men feel we have to hide it. We make a mistake or struggle and hate ourselves for it. And we are terrified. We don't want to loose your love. We don't want it to be discovered that we failed to live up to that high expectation put upon us. Sometimes it's worse...I heard a woman once say that she'd divorce her husband the day she found out he was looking at porn. Guess what...I looked at my wife after hearing that and said, "That's one man who's hiding a lot from his wife and she doesn't have a clue." I was right. Thank God it humbled them and didn't ruin them.

Don't let porn ruin a marriage. It can be overcome with grace and prayer.

If you're ever confronted with a situation like this try to remember this one suggestion...error on the side of mercy. If a wife or husband overreacts about these kinds of things things can be said and things can be done that will cause years of hurt and that cannot be taken back. Error on the side of mercy. It might save a marriage.

Your post is great! I use the statement that Jesus forgives so we have to forgive. Not just with this issue but with any issue.

I definitely agree that it is more of a problem than one might think. It seems to be such a secret problem. People will ask for help with alchohol and drug problems but it seems they are too embarrassed to ask for help with porn. Our Sunday School teacher has suggested that our men read "Every Man's Battle." He told the Sunday School class that if a man tells you that he doesn't battle lust, he is a liar.

It does surprise me that women can struggle with these issues. I'm assuming you mean porn. I can see women struggling with emotional issues but not porn.

If I were personally in this situation, I would hope that God would give me the strength the second women you described. Plus, I really need to be that person for my dearest friend. It's somewhat hard when you are close to a situation though. I just believe that Jesus forgives so we have to also.