Confession time

[houston]

I am gay. I have not been active in 6 years. I am a Christian. I am not a gay christian.
I hate sex. I love the idea of sex. I have an inordinate focus on self.
Within the past year I have become addicted to pornography.

I hate myself more every time I indulge.

I want to die.
I am exhausted. There's no fight left in me.

What was the purpose of all this? What does God want from or for me? I don't get it, I don't understand. Nothing makes sense.

It was nice hanging around forums. They help to distract me, to distract me from "this."

But, I am tired of reading about and (poorly) attempting to discuss the weightier matters of scripture. I can't, I don't live a victorious Christian life.

Much can be said about my background and being conditioned blah blah blah to make an emotional response, and not learning to walk/live by faith blah blah blah. Regardless, when all is said and done there are no excuses. There will be no one to blame but myself.

The inner turmoil is too much. No, I'm not checking out. I'm not even going to become active again.

I would like to wake up tomorrow morning knowing that this all had been a dream.

In the meantime I need to, I have to step away for a while.

You all have been great.

Thank you.