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03-24-2013, 10:35 AM
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Isaiah 56:4-5
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SOUTH ZION
Posts: 11,307
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Confession time
I am gay. I have not been active in 6 years. I am a Christian. I am not a gay christian.
I hate sex. I love the idea of sex. I have an inordinate focus on self.
Within the past year I have become addicted to pornography.
I hate myself more every time I indulge.
I want to die.
I am exhausted. There's no fight left in me.
What was the purpose of all this? What does God want from or for me? I don't get it, I don't understand. Nothing makes sense.
It was nice hanging around forums. They help to distract me, to distract me from "this."
But, I am tired of reading about and (poorly) attempting to discuss the weightier matters of scripture. I can't, I don't live a victorious Christian life.
Much can be said about my background and being conditioned blah blah blah to make an emotional response, and not learning to walk/live by faith blah blah blah. Regardless, when all is said and done there are no excuses. There will be no one to blame but myself.
The inner turmoil is too much. No, I'm not checking out. I'm not even going to become active again.
I would like to wake up tomorrow morning knowing that this all had been a dream.
In the meantime I need to, I have to step away for a while.
You all have been great.
Thank you.
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03-24-2013, 11:24 AM
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Registered Member
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unfortunantly (for now) in the US~
Posts: 1,365
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Re: Confession time
I will miss you....I know you refused my friendship I extended to you but I still feel like you were a friend. I have a cousin who is gay and most of the family do NOT even want to accept him as part of the family. I feel sad about it all the time. My sons girlfriend watches porn and I feel sad for her bc she says she "cant help it". I am one who NEVER says "I understand what or how you feel" UNLESS I am or have been in that situation. I have never been around porn and never have seen it nor do I have any desire to see it. What I do know about it, its NOTHING I would ever be interested in the least to see , I have all I need lying in the bed beside me at night (my husband) , nor am I gay so I do not know how any of this is making you feel. But you have my prayers Houston~ I do know single people often deal with issues of porn and their sexual status...bc in todays world, sex is a seller and most everything you see is based on sex~ It must be a struggle and I totally feel for you. I will say this, your life is something ONLY God will judge....not people. I love my cousin and I would take someone's head off if I ever heard anyone talk bad about him or call him a fag. I hate slanderous words......just like when white people have called me a ni**er lover....it is bad, wrong and hurtful. I hope you find peace and what you are looking for friend. God knows all and he will help you every day! Again, I will miss you friend and wish you would keep hanging around!!!
__________________
~Apache~German~Black~Hungarian~ = Godzchild 
May the sun bring you new energy by day, the moon softly restore you by night, may the rain wash away your worries, may the breeze blow new strength into your being, may you walk gently through the world and know it's beauty all the days of your life~
(¯`•´¯) ★.¸¸.•*♥
*• ¸.•*☆ *♥ ☯♪♥ N ҉ A ҉ M ҉ A ҉ S ҉ T ҉ E ♥♪☯
✿°`'•.¸¸＊°✿✿°`'•.¸¸＊°✿✿°`'•.¸¸＊°✿
Last edited by Godzchild; 03-24-2013 at 11:42 AM.
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03-24-2013, 11:40 AM
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Administrator
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 16,848
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Re: Confession time
Quote:
Originally Posted by houston
I am gay. I have not been active in 6 years. I am a Christian. I am not a gay christian.
I hate sex. I love the idea of sex. I have an inordinate focus on self.
Within the past year I have become addicted to pornography.
I hate myself more every time I indulge.
I want to die.
I am exhausted. There's no fight left in me.
What was the purpose of all this? What does God want from or for me? I don't get it, I don't understand. Nothing makes sense.
It was nice hanging around forums. They help to distract me, to distract me from "this."
But, I am tired of reading about and (poorly) attempting to discuss the weightier matters of scripture. I can't, I don't live a victorious Christian life.
Much can be said about my background and being conditioned blah blah blah to make an emotional response, and not learning to walk/live by faith blah blah blah. Regardless, when all is said and done there are no excuses. There will be no one to blame but myself.
The inner turmoil is too much. No, I'm not checking out. I'm not even going to become active again.
I would like to wake up tomorrow morning knowing that this all had been a dream.
In the meantime I need to, I have to step away for a while.
You all have been great.
Thank you.
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Houston, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish I had some magical words to say that would make things better but I don't other than God loves you and when people fail you and don't understand you he does.
Some struggles we will never understand on earth. We will have to wait until heaven to find out the "why" and even then maybe not as we won't care I have a feeling.
I don't know if taking a break from AFF is a good thing or bad thing. Only you know that. My prayer is that you continue to seek after the Lord. When we get to the end of our rope sometimes we just have to tie a knot and hold on. That and ask for God's Spirit to be the comforter He promised it would be.
Keep feeding yourself spiritual food. If you continue in God's word, prayer, and worship you will make it though.
Too many times when we need God, the church, and God's people the most we turn away and turn inward. Try to solve things ourselves.
God Bless
__________________
"I think some people love spiritual bondage just the way some people love physical bondage. It makes them feel secure. In the end though it is not healthy for the one who is lost over it or the one who is lives under the oppression even if by their own choice"
Titus2woman on AFF
"We did not wear uniforms. The lady workers dressed in the current fashions of the day, ...silks...satins...jewels or whatever they happened to possess. They were very smartly turned out, so that they made an impressive appearance on the streets where a large part of our work was conducted in the early years.
"It was not until long after, when former Holiness preachers had become part of us, that strict plainness of dress began to be taught.
"Although Entire Sanctification was preached at the beginning of the Movement, it was from a Wesleyan viewpoint, and had in it very little of the later Holiness Movement characteristics. Nothing was ever said about apparel, for everyone was so taken up with the Lord that mode of dress seemingly never occurred to any of us."
Quote from Ethel Goss (widow of 1st UPC Gen Supt. Howard Goss) book "The Winds of God"
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03-24-2013, 12:07 PM
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Supercalifragilisticexpiali...
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 19,197
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Re: Confession time
Houston, I am very sorry to read this. Sorry for your pain, your struggle and lack of answers.
Might I suggest looking for purpose and meaning beyond "religion" and sexuality? Jesus can be as much a part of our social life, career and our humanitarian concerns for our fellow man as he is about "church".
My thoughts and prayers are with you! Message me any time you need to talk.
__________________
"It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity." Dave Barry 2005
I am a firm believer in the Old Paths
Articles on such subjects as "The New Birth," will be accepted, whether they teach that the new birth takes place before baptism in water and Spirit, or that the new birth consists of baptism of water and Spirit. - THE PENTECOSTAL HERALD Dec. 1945
"It is doubtful if any Trinitarian Pentecostals have ever professed to believe in three gods, and Oneness Pentecostals should not claim that they do." - Daniel Segraves
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03-24-2013, 12:35 PM
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Registered Member
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 3,711
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Re: Confession time
houston, i agree with hoovie, loving our neighbor, is more important than going to church, singing and giving offering. try to involve yourself in community activities and don't be so hard on yourself for sins of lust. god knows our hearts and our limits. i think indulging in porn is better than indulging in physical acts and as you get older these will fade away. mtd's perfection gospel is hooey.
__________________
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03-24-2013, 12:53 PM
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Repent and believe the Gospel!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Jacksonville FL
Posts: 3,090
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Re: Confession time
Houston I am so sorry that I don't have the right words to say. I am so sorry that you are having to walk through this life conflicted and hurting. I understand about asking God what is the purpose and why won't You take this from me. I am praying for you and don't be deceived God is not far from you. Don't let your eyes deceive your faith.
Something else to think about, nobody is going to heaven without scars from this world.
__________________
Who art thou that judgest another man's servant? to his own master he standeth or falleth. Yea, he shall be holden up: for God is able to make him stand. (Romans 14:4)
Scripture is its own interpreter. Nothing can cut a diamond but a diamond. Nothing can interpret Scripture but Scripture" Thomas Watson.
Last edited by navygoat1998; 03-24-2013 at 01:08 PM.
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03-24-2013, 01:21 PM
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Forever Loved Admin
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 26,537
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Re: Confession time
I will be praying for you. There are struggles that we all go through. I pray God sends you deliverance and peace, soon.
__________________
If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.
2 Chronicles 7:14 KJV
He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God? Micah 6:8 KJV
Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is. 1 John 3:2 KJV
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03-24-2013, 01:34 PM
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of 10!! :)
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: South
Posts: 5,899
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Re: Confession time
Please don't be too hard on yourself.
We all fight things on a daily basis.
Sometimes it seems God is a million miles
away, but, He's not.
You are in my prayers, Houston.
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03-24-2013, 01:39 PM
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Loving God, His Word, His Name
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 861
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Re: Confession time
Houston, I know what a struggle this sin is. I know that God is indeed a healer and a deliverer to those who cry out to Him. everyday, it seems like you cannot get victory, and all the religious cliches are nothing more than empty words that sound hollow when you're alone and those temptations come on you. Allow me, my friend, and a brother, that I am praying for you, and I love you in Christ. I will be here, if you desire an ear to hear, and a heart to pray for you.
Your struggle, I believe, is just that, a struggle. It does not mean you cannot be victorious. It may take more time, but I know God is not a failure, and He will keep His people. And, when these temptations come into your heart and mind, I am asking for ministering, warring, and guardian angels to go forth on your behalf and battle these spirits. You are a child of the King, and do have royal blood flowing in your veins spiritually. In Jesus name, I speak a word of deliverance to your situation, and that supernatural joy would fill your heart and life, and that through the joy of the Lord, you would have strength and find Him to be your stronghold.
Brother, if you want an ear to hear and love ya in Christ, I will PM my phone number and e-mail address to you. Feel free to contact me.
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03-24-2013, 01:49 PM
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Go Dodgers!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 45,794
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Re: Confession time
Houston, I know you can change. I know you can live a victorious and over coming life. I know you can stop the self condemnation and loathing and it starts with His Mercy and Grace.
From there it's one day at a time spent with Jesus in prayer and reading his word
Condemnation and guilt won't help you. Self Pity is your enemy.
The path towards healing will have many faults but in order to be healed you must get up and not spend time condemning yourself and instead turn to the Healer.
Don't say "I tried that" for it is a lifelong process.
I will be praying for you my brother.
__________________
Let it be understood that Apostolic Friends Forum is an Apostolic Forum.
Apostolic is defined on AFF as:
- There is One God. This one God reveals Himself distinctly as Father, Son and Holy Ghost.
- The Son is God himself in a human form or "God manifested in the flesh" (1Tim 3:16)
- Every sinner must repent of their sins.
- That Jesus name baptism is the only biblical mode of water baptism.
- That the Holy Ghost is for today and is received by faith with the initial evidence of speaking in tongues.
- The saint will go on to strive to live a holy life, pleasing to God.
Last edited by Praxeas; 03-24-2013 at 02:52 PM.
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