Divorce in the church

[nahkoe]

Originally Posted by BoredOutOfMyMind

Divorced children will close up and will never trust the way children from other families will. I have idiosyncries (sp?) that I battle simply due to the breakup of my parents. I have identified some of them and overcome some. I still do not trust others very openly.

Oh we just had to go there didn't we!?

I grew up in a divorced home. I struggled with trusting God in my past. I am now a divorced woman, and I simply can not trust God. I am struggling with this like nothing I knew was possible. Love? You've got to be kidding me...love=hurt.

And gee thanks for the vote of confidence in raising kids. lol I know that's not what you meant, but punch in the gut again. I know what struggles my kids face and it makes me so sad. I wish I could make everything all better for them, but I can't.

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

Originally Posted by nahkoe

Oh we just had to go there didn't we!?

I grew up in a divorced home. I struggled with trusting God in my past. I am now a divorced woman, and I simply can not trust God. I am struggling with this like nothing I knew was possible. Love? You've got to be kidding me...love=hurt.

And gee thanks for the vote of confidence in raising kids. lol I know that's not what you meant, but punch in the gut again. I know what struggles my kids face and it makes me so sad. I wish I could make everything all better for them, but I can't.

I did not mean this as a punch in the gut at all.

I speak for myself and thought I would add another side.

[nahkoe]

Originally Posted by BoredOutOfMyMind

I did not mean this as a punch in the gut at all.

I speak for myself and thought I would add another side.

I know you didn't. I think the other side is important to see. I really do wonder how many divorces would be avoided if the parents only knew what it does to the kids. Obviously, knowing can't prevent all of them.

And I'm a bit touchy about this right now. I just sent all 4 of the kids with daddy for 2 weeks, the 3 year old for the first time. I got to hear his voice last night when he was missing me and know I can't make this better for him, or the others. He barely even knows his daddy so he's in a virtual strangers house, 10 hours away from me, for 2 weeks.

I admit to, and apologize for, reading through this filter.

[Rhoni]

Originally Posted by nahkoe

Oh we just had to go there didn't we!?

I grew up in a divorced home. I struggled with trusting God in my past. I am now a divorced woman, and I simply can not trust God. I am struggling with this like nothing I knew was possible. Love? You've got to be kidding me...love=hurt.

And gee thanks for the vote of confidence in raising kids. lol I know that's not what you meant, but punch in the gut again. I know what struggles my kids face and it makes me so sad. I wish I could make everything all better for them, but I can't.

Nahkoe,

As much as you'd like to protect your children from the effects of divorce - it is not possible. Unfortunately these things are transgenerational and get handed down from generation to generation. I thought I'd break the curse for my family and I fell right into the same traps. My children also think things will be different for them. I hope it is so but it will only be because they make very effort to nurture and preserve the marriage.

God did not cause the divorce and he is not the one who hurt you. You can trust him to be there with you through all the '........' and after it is buried. God wants the best for you and you need to remind yourself of that.

Blessings, Rhoni

[nahkoe]

Originally Posted by Rhoni

Nahkoe,

As much as you'd like to protect your children from the effects of divorce - it is not possible. Unfortunately these things are transgenerational and get handed down from generation to generation. I thought I'd break the curse for my family and I fell right into the same traps. My children also think things will be different for them. I hope it is so but it will only be because they make very effort to nurture and preserve the marriage.

God did not cause the divorce and he is not the one who hurt you. You can trust him to be there with you through all the '........' and after it is buried. God wants the best for you and you need to remind yourself of that.

Blessings, Rhoni

I know I can't protect them. I know they'll likely walk in the same place I am right now. Oh I hope they don't, but I did everything I could to avoid it, yet here I am.

I know He didn't. I'm working on that. So is He.

[lisafitzh2o]

Okay, this might be slightly off topic, but in noticing the rise of the divorce rate in church, I've wondered WHY this is happening. (Okay, besides the devil working overtime and stuff like that.)

I remember being a teenager in the church and feeling tremendous pressure to hurry up and get married. It was everywhere....youth rallys, camps, Youth Congress, etc. It was like you were supposed to "snatch a man" the minute you got your diploma (IF you bothered graduating). But my "secular" friends weren't going through this. Do we Apostolics put pressure on our kids to forego an education and career to pursue marriage and children? I remember turning 20 and feeling like such the old maid. As a matter of fact, I was pretty much the only one in my youth group who went on to college. But I had parents who constantly reminded me to get an education, a career, travel, and find out who I was before settling down.

A psychologist once said, "A person is going to go through every stage of life at some point...be it at the time they should or at another time". He said these kids who marry young never got to experience being a teenager, so they end up in their 30's wanting out of the marriage to go have fun.

So, basically, in my ramblings I guess I'm wondering how many of our church divorces are stemming from immaturity.

What do you all think? Am I totally off base?

Originally Posted by lisafitzh2o

A psychologist once said, "A person is going to go through every stage of life at some point...be it at the time they should or at another time". He said these kids who marry young never got to experience being a teenager, so they end up in their 30's wanting out of the marriage to go have fun.

So, basically, in my ramblings I guess I'm wondering how many of our church divorces are stemming from immaturity.

What do you all think? Am I totally off base?

I can speak from my own experience, that this is EXACTLY what happened with my wife and I...

She was never able to 'be a kid' and 'have fun' like most kids end up doing in their early 20's... it appealed to her, so she went for it.

[Rhoni]

Originally Posted by lisafitzh2o

Okay, this might be slightly off topic, but in noticing the rise of the divorce rate in church, I've wondered WHY this is happening. (Okay, besides the devil working overtime and stuff like that.)

I remember being a teenager in the church and feeling tremendous pressure to hurry up and get married. It was everywhere....youth rallys, camps, Youth Congress, etc. It was like you were supposed to "snatch a man" the minute you got your diploma (IF you bothered graduating). But my "secular" friends weren't going through this. Do we Apostolics put pressure on our kids to forego an education and career to pursue marriage and children? I remember turning 20 and feeling like such the old maid. As a matter of fact, I was pretty much the only one in my youth group who went on to college. But I had parents who constantly reminded me to get an education, a career, travel, and find out who I was before settling down.

A psychologist once said, "A person is going to go through every stage of life at some point...be it at the time they should or at another time". He said these kids who marry young never got to experience being a teenager, so they end up in their 30's wanting out of the marriage to go have fun.

So, basically, in my ramblings I guess I'm wondering how many of our church divorces are stemming from immaturity.

What do you all think? Am I totally off base?

Lisa,

Good post! And you are not so wrong either. Growing up we got labeled as "Old Maid" if we weren't married out of high school and then if one made it through Bible College without marrying - it was hopeless.

Developmentally, if one marries before college or before one has come into their own, know who they are, what they want out of life, then they marry and when they do find out...they realize that this marriage isn't what they want or need at all.

I believe the stages of development we can go in and out of through the years, but I agree with the fact that our Apostolic girls grow up much too fast and want to marry way before they are truly ready for it. One reason, they look older, second reason is that the Apostolic culture promotes marriage before it promotes education and independence.

Of course this is only one reason for the high rate of divorce within our ranks, others are:
* lack of teaching on marital responsibilities, healthy families/relationships,
* too many enmeshed leadership trying to match-make couples as they see fit instead of letting God do the matchmaking. For instance, The VP of our Bible College was notorious for trying to break couples up he didn't want to be together and then trying to couple off those he thought would be a good match...all in the guize of "God's Will". He hurt many couples and messed up their lives forever.
*lack of pre-marital counseling [most just ask you if you think it is God's will and what date do you want to get married] Pre-marital counseling covers: communication, finances, conflict resolution, family of origin issues, child rearing, & sexuality.

Blessings, Rhoni

[GodsBabyGirl]

Originally Posted by lisafitzh2o

Okay, this might be slightly off topic, but in noticing the rise of the divorce rate in church, I've wondered WHY this is happening. (Okay, besides the devil working overtime and stuff like that.)

I remember being a teenager in the church and feeling tremendous pressure to hurry up and get married. It was everywhere....youth rallys, camps, Youth Congress, etc. It was like you were supposed to "snatch a man" the minute you got your diploma (IF you bothered graduating). But my "secular" friends weren't going through this. Do we Apostolics put pressure on our kids to forego an education and career to pursue marriage and children? I remember turning 20 and feeling like such the old maid. As a matter of fact, I was pretty much the only one in my youth group who went on to college. But I had parents who constantly reminded me to get an education, a career, travel, and find out who I was before settling down.

A psychologist once said, "A person is going to go through every stage of life at some point...be it at the time they should or at another time". He said these kids who marry young never got to experience being a teenager, so they end up in their 30's wanting out of the marriage to go have fun.

So, basically, in my ramblings I guess I'm wondering how many of our church divorces are stemming from immaturity.

What do you all think? Am I totally off base?

I don't think at all.

I don't think marraige something to be rushed into. I'm wit Rhoni...if a guy is putting pressure on me, then he ain't worthy of me.

I tell my daughter all the time; get an education pursue a career, have fun. Don't rush into a relationship/marriage.

I am going thru this phase now where I want to do things I have never done before. Someone invited me to go to Africa with them and I was game.

But b/c I couldn't find anyone to watch the kids, I had to opt for next time.

Missions trip.

I am undergoing a career change and my outlook on life is different. I don't let others define who I am and what I like. Or what I do.

I was so insecure as a young woman. I like being middle aged. I am more confident, know what I want (and don't want!)

So a guy can't step to me like he did 20 yrs ago.

I would encourage any young person to develop yourself. Accomplish goals and pursue dreams. Live and enjoy single life to the fullest.

Because you'll never have this opportunity to do these things again.

Love is eternal. We mistakenly believe that there is only one person for us and once that person is gone, there goes our opportunity to be loved.

I say NO!

There are many whom we can make a decision to love and be compatible or have 'chemistry' with. That has been my experience.

Love will always present an opportunity to crop up into your life as a rose in bloom. It pops up in seasons.

Sometimes it is with one person forever. This is where you hear of the folks married for 65 years. My hats off to them!

Sometimes love pops us with different folks. Different seasons.

Let's face it, folks. In this imperfect world we live in, marriages fail. It is horrendous and it hurts.

But I be a canine in a catfield if I let one failure keep me from trying at love again!

LOVE IS ETERNAL!

I believe in love.

To the young folks, it is wisest though to get yourself together first before seeking marriage.

Love will always be there waiting for you, boo. Get some money in the bank. Get your career going. Get some investments going. Get involved in ministry.

Because if you don't, all those things-or the lack of them, can cause a GREAT strain on marital relations.

Stressing about money, running from the call of God, not sure what to do when you retire...these are some things that can cause great strain on marriages

Empower and enable yourselves to be the best marriage partner you can be, in the best time.

When there is money in the bank, there is more time to focus on love. Kids can go to best schools, you can live in decent neighborhoods, pay the bills take vacations, etc....

When you are fulfilled in a career or ministry, you won't expect your marriage partner to fulfill all of you. Reserve that portion of who you are and place it into a part of your life that is just YOU.

I am speaking from experience.

Love ya

[rgcraig]

Originally Posted by lisafitzh2o

Okay, this might be slightly off topic, but in noticing the rise of the divorce rate in church, I've wondered WHY this is happening. (Okay, besides the devil working overtime and stuff like that.)

I remember being a teenager in the church and feeling tremendous pressure to hurry up and get married. It was everywhere....youth rallys, camps, Youth Congress, etc. It was like you were supposed to "snatch a man" the minute you got your diploma (IF you bothered graduating). But my "secular" friends weren't going through this. Do we Apostolics put pressure on our kids to forego an education and career to pursue marriage and children? I remember turning 20 and feeling like such the old maid. As a matter of fact, I was pretty much the only one in my youth group who went on to college. But I had parents who constantly reminded me to get an education, a career, travel, and find out who I was before settling down.

A psychologist once said, "A person is going to go through every stage of life at some point...be it at the time they should or at another time". He said these kids who marry young never got to experience being a teenager, so they end up in their 30's wanting out of the marriage to go have fun.

So, basically, in my ramblings I guess I'm wondering how many of our church divorces are stemming from immaturity.

What do you all think? Am I totally off base?

Not off base at all - I've been with others that have discussed this very thing. Also, the choices for our mates were slim because they had to be UPC, so how many married because they were truly in love or just because it was the right thing to do with whoever was in their church.

I know several marriages that are struggling now because of this very reason. It's like they married a good friend because they both were in church and they were 20.

Also, how much pre-marital counseling is offered to these couples to let them know what kind of things they'd be facing in marriage, so these folks learned as they fought their way through the first few years of marriage.