Divorce in the church

[Rhoni]

Originally Posted by nahkoe

Oh we just had to go there didn't we!?

I grew up in a divorced home. I struggled with trusting God in my past. I am now a divorced woman, and I simply can not trust God. I am struggling with this like nothing I knew was possible. Love? You've got to be kidding me...love=hurt.

And gee thanks for the vote of confidence in raising kids. lol I know that's not what you meant, but punch in the gut again. I know what struggles my kids face and it makes me so sad. I wish I could make everything all better for them, but I can't.

Nahkoe,

As much as you'd like to protect your children from the effects of divorce - it is not possible. Unfortunately these things are transgenerational and get handed down from generation to generation. I thought I'd break the curse for my family and I fell right into the same traps. My children also think things will be different for them. I hope it is so but it will only be because they make very effort to nurture and preserve the marriage.

God did not cause the divorce and he is not the one who hurt you. You can trust him to be there with you through all the '........' and after it is buried. God wants the best for you and you need to remind yourself of that.

Blessings, Rhoni

[Rhoni]

Originally Posted by rgcraig

I knew what you meant, but you needed to clarify.

And many times, you lose your married friends because they could have "taken sides."

Thank-you Renda, and yes I agree...many times you gain or lose friends as friends think they have to choose sides. True.

Blessings, Rhoni

[GodsBabyGirl]

Originally Posted by Rhoni

Mrs. LPW, This is a good post. Some preventative things that need to happen in our churches:

• Educating our children, teens on what a 'healthy' relationship is/looks like using scripture.
• Educating Adults on scriptural roles for husbands, wives, & children.
• Guidance in dating and boundaries.
• Extensive pre-marital counseling.
• after marriage - teaching and marriage enrichment activities and support groups.
• Some things lacking in many of our assmeblies.

I agree with you totally on this, Sis.

I have to admit that was one of the reasons I left the Apostolic church. the harsh and somewhat untrue teachings on divorce and remarriage.

What is interesting is when the very folk who taught so harshly against (divorce) are now going thru it themselves.

Funny how that happens that way....

Divorce is a tragedy and I personally would never speak harshly or judge someone who has gone thru, having been thru it myself.

And I never let anyone's false beliefs, teachings and judgments make me feel like God doesn't love me.

Divorcees, I want to encourage you.

God DOES love you, even if church folks act a fool.

And I do believe that if it is your desire to want to be with someone, God will give you the desire of your heart. No matter who doesn't like it or teaches against it.

One thing I am grateful for is that no matter how much I have been hurt and rejected, that God would give me the capability and the desire to love again.

If God sends someone your way, don't let folk run them off.

You don't have to answer to folks. You do have to answer to God, though.

Much love to ya!
Sis Wenona

[nahkoe]

Originally Posted by Rhoni

Nahkoe,

As much as you'd like to protect your children from the effects of divorce - it is not possible. Unfortunately these things are transgenerational and get handed down from generation to generation. I thought I'd break the curse for my family and I fell right into the same traps. My children also think things will be different for them. I hope it is so but it will only be because they make very effort to nurture and preserve the marriage.

God did not cause the divorce and he is not the one who hurt you. You can trust him to be there with you through all the '........' and after it is buried. God wants the best for you and you need to remind yourself of that.

Blessings, Rhoni

I know I can't protect them. I know they'll likely walk in the same place I am right now. Oh I hope they don't, but I did everything I could to avoid it, yet here I am.

I know He didn't. I'm working on that. So is He.

[berkeley]

As a child of multiple divorces, I will say it does affect many children in a very negative way. My brother never recovered from the hurt he suffered as a result of the divorce. My sister was much younger and a broken home is all she has known, she is not messed up like my brother is. Me, well, I'm a different case altogether.

[Rhoni]

Originally Posted by williamsbaby

I agree with you totally on this, Sis.

I have to admit that was one of the reasons I left the Apostolic church. the harsh and somewhat untrue teachings on divorce and remarriage.

What is interesting is when the very folk who taught so harshly against (divorce) are now going thru it themselves.

Funny how that happens that way....

Divorce is a tragedy and I personally would never speak harshly or judge someone who has gone thru, having been thru it myself.

And I never let anyone's false beliefs, teachings and judgments make me feel like God doesn't love me.

Divorcees, I want to encourage you.

God DOES love you, even if church folks act a fool.

And I do believe that if it is your desire to want to be with someone, God will give you the desire of your heart. No matter who doesn't like it or teaches against it.

One thing I am grateful for is that no matter how much I have been hurt and rejected, that God would give me the capability and the desire to love again.

If God sends someone your way, don't let folk run them off.

You don't have to answer to folks. You do have to answer to God, though.

Much love to ya!
Sis Wenona

Sis. Wenona,

Good to hear from you and thank-you for blessing Divorcees. I am so thankful that you have kept your heart soft enough to love again. This is very difficult to do.

I went for about 5 years before I trusted someone enough to love again and it fell through...but I am glad I learned something about myself...I can love again.

One thing I know is that love lasts over time. If a man can't wait for me until I am ready then he is not worthy of me...and vica versa. I wish I could be as impulsive as some people but it doesn't work for me. I test men and try men to see how much they love me.

I can't just 'get married' or even promise myself to someone without getting to know them, going through pre-marital counseling, meet their family, and then praying , fasting, and thinking about it for an extended period of time.

The one thing I do know about myself...when I fall in love...it is completely and it takes me quite a while to get over it. Took me 5 years the first time, 7 the second, and it has been 3 years since the last time I loved someone. It will probably be that much longer if ever again. It isn't that I don't want to love but I hate to feel that vulnerable again...walls are up...and it is a good thing for me right now.

the last man who told me he was interested in me wanted to meet me several months ago...I asked him to wait for approx 3 months. Said if we were still communicating after three months then we would meet. We set a date to meet and not only did it not happen but he got married LOL. It is a good thing I didn't allow him to come and meet me. I don't want a man who could marry anyone...I want a man who could only marry one in a million and I am that one.

Anyway, thank-you for your comments...they are good and encouraging.

Blessings, Rhoni

[lisafitzh2o]

Okay, this might be slightly off topic, but in noticing the rise of the divorce rate in church, I've wondered WHY this is happening. (Okay, besides the devil working overtime and stuff like that.)

I remember being a teenager in the church and feeling tremendous pressure to hurry up and get married. It was everywhere....youth rallys, camps, Youth Congress, etc. It was like you were supposed to "snatch a man" the minute you got your diploma (IF you bothered graduating). But my "secular" friends weren't going through this. Do we Apostolics put pressure on our kids to forego an education and career to pursue marriage and children? I remember turning 20 and feeling like such the old maid. As a matter of fact, I was pretty much the only one in my youth group who went on to college. But I had parents who constantly reminded me to get an education, a career, travel, and find out who I was before settling down.

A psychologist once said, "A person is going to go through every stage of life at some point...be it at the time they should or at another time". He said these kids who marry young never got to experience being a teenager, so they end up in their 30's wanting out of the marriage to go have fun.

So, basically, in my ramblings I guess I'm wondering how many of our church divorces are stemming from immaturity.

What do you all think? Am I totally off base?

Originally Posted by lisafitzh2o

A psychologist once said, "A person is going to go through every stage of life at some point...be it at the time they should or at another time". He said these kids who marry young never got to experience being a teenager, so they end up in their 30's wanting out of the marriage to go have fun.

So, basically, in my ramblings I guess I'm wondering how many of our church divorces are stemming from immaturity.

What do you all think? Am I totally off base?

I can speak from my own experience, that this is EXACTLY what happened with my wife and I...

She was never able to 'be a kid' and 'have fun' like most kids end up doing in their early 20's... it appealed to her, so she went for it.

Originally Posted by Berkeley

As a child of multiple divorces, I will say it does affect many children in a very negative way. My brother never recovered from the hurt he suffered as a result of the divorce. My sister was much younger and a broken home is all she has known, she is not messed up like my brother is. Me, well, I'm a different case altogether.

I thank God we didn't have kids...

[Rhoni]

Originally Posted by lisafitzh2o

Okay, this might be slightly off topic, but in noticing the rise of the divorce rate in church, I've wondered WHY this is happening. (Okay, besides the devil working overtime and stuff like that.)

I remember being a teenager in the church and feeling tremendous pressure to hurry up and get married. It was everywhere....youth rallys, camps, Youth Congress, etc. It was like you were supposed to "snatch a man" the minute you got your diploma (IF you bothered graduating). But my "secular" friends weren't going through this. Do we Apostolics put pressure on our kids to forego an education and career to pursue marriage and children? I remember turning 20 and feeling like such the old maid. As a matter of fact, I was pretty much the only one in my youth group who went on to college. But I had parents who constantly reminded me to get an education, a career, travel, and find out who I was before settling down.

A psychologist once said, "A person is going to go through every stage of life at some point...be it at the time they should or at another time". He said these kids who marry young never got to experience being a teenager, so they end up in their 30's wanting out of the marriage to go have fun.

So, basically, in my ramblings I guess I'm wondering how many of our church divorces are stemming from immaturity.

What do you all think? Am I totally off base?

Lisa,

Good post! And you are not so wrong either. Growing up we got labeled as "Old Maid" if we weren't married out of high school and then if one made it through Bible College without marrying - it was hopeless.

Developmentally, if one marries before college or before one has come into their own, know who they are, what they want out of life, then they marry and when they do find out...they realize that this marriage isn't what they want or need at all.

I believe the stages of development we can go in and out of through the years, but I agree with the fact that our Apostolic girls grow up much too fast and want to marry way before they are truly ready for it. One reason, they look older, second reason is that the Apostolic culture promotes marriage before it promotes education and independence.

Of course this is only one reason for the high rate of divorce within our ranks, others are:
* lack of teaching on marital responsibilities, healthy families/relationships,
* too many enmeshed leadership trying to match-make couples as they see fit instead of letting God do the matchmaking. For instance, The VP of our Bible College was notorious for trying to break couples up he didn't want to be together and then trying to couple off those he thought would be a good match...all in the guize of "God's Will". He hurt many couples and messed up their lives forever.
*lack of pre-marital counseling [most just ask you if you think it is God's will and what date do you want to get married] Pre-marital counseling covers: communication, finances, conflict resolution, family of origin issues, child rearing, & sexuality.

Blessings, Rhoni