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02-12-2007, 10:36 PM
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Wonderful wisdom here from these ladies Rhoni......
Rhoni...what would you tell me if I came to you and said "this man is abusing me"...he is stealing from me, disrespects me, ...what would you tell me to do...what would you say to me...
Hugs Sister...love and blessings
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02-13-2007, 02:31 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ron
That is the truth. It is easier to preach than to live it.
Also when one (no matter who) is hurt you either withdraw, or fight, neither of which we can do if we are to see the hand of God work out situations on our behalf.
That isn't to say we can't be a sounding board for your frustrations, but in the end, it is when we release it (a lot harder to do than say I know) to God-
he then can take control of the situation and work it out for his Glory.
Until then, he will remain the ultimate gentlemen and allow us to struggle with it until we let it go, and let him work.
While my situation isn't the exact same as yours, I am speaking from experience.
Praying!  |
Great wisdom Bro. Ron...I need a prayer closet somewhere don't I?
Blessings, Rhoni
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02-13-2007, 02:48 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Falla39
Sis. Rhoni,
I am beginning to get the idea that your son is a spoiled brat!
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Yes He is, and his bride to be is also. My children have been enabled, yes by me, to treat me any way they want to and I will love and support them regardless, because I felt guilty that their father and I were divorced. It is like I counsel parents to take back the parental role...it causes chaos for a time but in the end it restores the natural order of things.
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It doesn't sound like it is just his dad!!
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No, it isn't all his Dad, but his Dad modeleled the disrespect and applauded them for it when they were children because I rejected him. He is a vengeful, bitter, and unhappy man.
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To say it's his wedding and he
doesn't want your small family is a disgrace. And with you paying
for half of it.
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I, and my family are extremely hurt...no words to describe it.
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And this thing of you paying for his dad's taxes. etc,,
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I guess I forgave in 2003, but it is easy to have it brought to my rememberance when things like this happen. I paid all the bills and he put me under his Bankrupcy plan.
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Sweet Little Sister, are you enabling this abuse (of you) to continue!!
It appears to me you are the financial vein but I believe you are ,by
the things you continue to do, allowing the thing you despise!! They
simply do not respect you, dear friend!! Plain and simple!! They do not
respect you for some reason. Does your son expect you to enjoy what
is being dished out to you. But at the same time, feel confident you will
come through in the end!!!
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As I said, I let them. all of them abuse me because of my low self-esteem at the time, and my blaming myself for the things that went wrong in the marriage. I am older and wiser, and know that the break up of the marriage was both our faults. My self-esteem is higher, but my wanting peace even if it is me that is always hurt usually wins out...but I don't know what to do this time.
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I am sorry but this is not right!! And sweet Rhoni, you are not right by
allowing it! Only you must decide (with God's help) what you SHOULD DO!!
I pray God will give you the wisdom to do what He would have you do and
give you the strength to go through with it, in Jesus Name!! Love you, Sister!!
Blessings,
Falla39 |
Sis. Falla, You are right...this is not right. Some of it is patterned behavior the children are following and some of it is due to the fiance being an inexperienced country girl who knows nothing of ettiquette, or relationships. I have not received an invitation to any shower, therefore have not sent any gifts. It is 4 weeks to the weddign and the out of town guest are just now getting a homemade invitation without the necessary information on it.
All, in all, you have assessed correctly and I know you are right, but I hate it happened right now, at this time, to mess up my son's happy day. I think I can relate to my ex- in-laws at this point. They didn't want their son to marry me. He was their baby. I did not want and could not afford the wedding of my dreams because I had paid my way through Bible College. They insisted on a wedding, didn't like the dress I picked out...so I let them plan and pay for the wedding, got married in a borrowed dress of their chosing, and had bridesmaids I didn't even know.
I know most of you can't imagine Rhonda wanting peace rather than a fight...but such has been the story with me for most of my life. It is called co-dependency. Making sure everyone else's needs are met to the detriment and neglect of my own needs.
Pray for me SIs. Falla, I trust your prayers, Rhoni
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02-13-2007, 02:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whollyHis
Well, SIs...here's what I would do, but of course, I am a confrontationalist...LOL (pastor's words) So...you may not want to take this advice....LOL
You and your siblings and your mom, go to the dinner, but SIT elsewhere. Enjoy the food and each other, and forget about the lame excuses for ministry that dare let their ex wife pay their bills while they profess to be a man of God...
HOLD YOUR HEAD UP! YOU CAN SHINE...it may be Chad's wedding- but, it's YOUR money paying ...
Or...you could refuse to pay ANY of it...and not worry about it at all!!!!!
I am praying for you...
Wish I knew a tall, long drink of cool water that would accompany you that day...hmmm... let me think a while on THAT.
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Sis.,
You know that walking in with a handsome man will not really help anything, for me or them. If I were a teenager I might play that game, but the fact is...I have Jesus to be my shield, high tower, my vindicator, my refuge, my strength, and my peace.
If God wills it to be so, one day a man will once again cover me...but I don't hold my breath...it will take a strong, but gentle and loving man to do this...and there are very few left in this world.
Your prayers will help more than anything...and I know you, being a woman, can empathize with me...and I wish I had someone...I thought about asking a friend, one volunteered and I turned him down, but if I must stand alone...I will stand. Now to do it with dignity, holding appropriate boundaries, and not let myself be taken advantage of...this is another story...please pray.
Blessings, Rhoni 
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02-13-2007, 03:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Margies3
Just curious, Rhoni............ why are you paying your ex's taxes and bills?? I'd say break that connection!! Make the man stand on his own two feet!
And I hate to say it, but as far your son telling his dad that you would be paying for half of the rehearsal dinner --- was that with your ok ahead of time? If not, I'd say, let that boy learn to stand on HIS own two feet also.
Boy, don't you just want to sit the soon-to-be-new-dau-in-law down and say to her, "take a good long, hard look at my sons father. Then look at how he's treating his mother. Then think hard, darlin!"
I hate to sound all down on your son, but he's really taking advantage!! Not fair!!
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Chad has both his father and mother's characteristics. He is his father's size and build, but has my coloring and brains. He can stand when he has to, but he is easily led. He can be strong, but then again he is sensitive and can easily be hurt.
He looks at me as putting the wrench in his plans and not seeing things as they are. Talking on a cell phone just don't get it.
As far as his fiance...she knows and has seen first hand how the family she is marrying in to handles relationships and conflict. She is young and dumb enough to believe that they will treat her different.
I remember thinking the same thing. My ex's father had church trouble quite often. When he was doing things he shouldn't morally and was confronted he made excuse and alienated the people who would expose when he would not repent. Right after my ex and I married, his father's church split. We'd be out shopping and one of the former saints would say hello and they would ignore them, put their nose in the air, and dismiss them. God was giving me a warning of what was to come for myself.
When we divorced, all my pictures were taken out of their homes, when my children visited the ex's parents, or relatives homes my name would not be mentioned. Gifts and cards were sent to my ex's home, and he and his new wife would pick the children up and tell them not to take their gifts or money home so their mother wouldn't spend it or get it. My daughter was so happy one Thanksgiving, about 7 years post divorce because Aunt Betty had asked about their mother. The only one in 7 years. I was part of the family for 18 years.
I said all that to say, You are right...she needs to sit up and take notice...she will be me one day.
Blessings, Rhoni
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02-13-2007, 03:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sister Truth Seeker
Wonderful wisdom here from these ladies Rhoni......
Rhoni...what would you tell me if I came to you and said "this man is abusing me"...he is stealing from me, disrespects me, ...what would you tell me to do...what would you say to me...
Hugs Sister...love and blessings
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Quote:
Dear Rhoni,
My ex-husband has abused me, stolen from me, and teaches my children disrespect for me. My son is getting married and the pattern is continuing through this wedding and I am being left out of the plans, and my family has been asked not to attend the rehearsal dinner even though they are all coming from out of state, and I am responsible for half of the cost. I should have stood up long before now, but I am about to break under this strain...what can I do now?
Crying in Texas
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Dear Crying,
Wipe the tears from your eyes, straighten up your backbone. It is never too late to set healthy and appropriate boundaries for your children to follow. If you are not invited to showers for the bride or groom, don't send a gift. If your family is not invited to the rehearsal dinner even though you are paying 50% of it...don't go and don't pay. Let your son suffer the consequences of his own behaviors. He will never learn otherwise.
If you allow the abuse to continue and don't stand up for yourself then this pattern will be modelled through your grandchildren. Tell your son you love him and show up a the wedding but otherwise do not put your money into it. Since it is all his fahter's relatives int he wedding..let them pay for the rehearsal dinner and you and your family go and enjoy yourselves somewhere else.
No time like the present to stand tall, be firm, and stop the abuse. Love and respect yourself and others will have no choice but to follow suit. 
Blessings, Rhoni
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02-13-2007, 03:19 AM
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Now, Good morning ladies and RonB! Thank-you for all your advice. Good advice I might add. But this thread is not all about me...so let's let it go and enjoy this beautiful Tuesday that God has blessed us with.
Rejoice in the Lord always,
And again I say, and again I say...
Rejoice.
Love & Blessings, Rhoni
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02-13-2007, 06:24 AM
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Prayerful lives are powerful
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 2,711
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhoni
Dear Crying,
Wipe the tears from your eyes, straighten up your backbone. It is never too late to set healthy and appropriate boundaries for your children to follow. If you are not invited to showers for the bride or groom, don't send a gift. If your family is not invited to the rehearsal dinner even though you are paying 50% of it...don't go and don't pay. Let your son suffer the consequences of his own behaviors. He will never learn otherwise.
If you allow the abuse to continue and don't stand up for yourself then this pattern will be modelled through your grandchildren. Tell your son you love him and show up a the wedding but otherwise do not put your money into it. Since it is all his fahter's relatives int he wedding..let them pay for the rehearsal dinner and you and your family go and enjoy yourselves somewhere else.
No time like the present to stand tall, be firm, and stop the abuse. Love and respect yourself and others will have no choice but to follow suit.
Blessings, Rhoni |
Now this is a great post and makes much much sense. :-) Good luck.
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02-13-2007, 06:24 AM
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Registered Member
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 326
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhoni
Sis.,
You know that walking in with a handsome man will not really help anything, for me or them. If I were a teenager I might play that game, but the fact is...I have Jesus to be my shield, high tower, my vindicator, my refuge, my strength, and my peace.
If God wills it to be so, one day a man will once again cover me...but I don't hold my breath...it will take a strong, but gentle and loving man to do this...and there are very few left in this world.
Your prayers will help more than anything...and I know you, being a woman, can empathize with me...and I wish I had someone...I thought about asking a friend, one volunteered and I turned him down, but if I must stand alone...I will stand. Now to do it with dignity, holding appropriate boundaries, and not let myself be taken advantage of...this is another story...please pray.
Blessings, Rhoni |
Girl...I know you're right- but, it burns me up to see them treat you like this. If I didn't care, I could post with more 'wisdom', I guess. I was so angry after reading your post last night...*sigh* Yes, I DO have anger issues...LOL
I agree with what you have done as far as the showers go- no invite, no gift.
What planet did these folks fall from????
You know I will pray...
Speak peace...
Hugs,
Lynne
__________________
I REFUSE TO BE HELD HOSTAGE BY THE FAILURES OF MY PAST...
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02-13-2007, 06:25 AM
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Registered Member
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 326
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rhoni
Dear Crying,
Wipe the tears from your eyes, straighten up your backbone. It is never too late to set healthy and appropriate boundaries for your children to follow. If you are not invited to showers for the bride or groom, don't send a gift. If your family is not invited to the rehearsal dinner even though you are paying 50% of it...don't go and don't pay. Let your son suffer the consequences of his own behaviors. He will never learn otherwise.
If you allow the abuse to continue and don't stand up for yourself then this pattern will be modelled through your grandchildren. Tell your son you love him and show up a the wedding but otherwise do not put your money into it. Since it is all his fahter's relatives int he wedding..let them pay for the rehearsal dinner and you and your family go and enjoy yourselves somewhere else.
No time like the present to stand tall, be firm, and stop the abuse. Love and respect yourself and others will have no choice but to follow suit.:highfive
Blessings, Rhoni
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I like THAT advice!!!!!!!
__________________
I REFUSE TO BE HELD HOSTAGE BY THE FAILURES OF MY PAST...
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