Are you as close to God as you want to be?

[The Lemon]

Great thread and quite provoking. Makes me want to really look inward and check myself. There are times where I am not only aware that I'm not as close to Him as I should be, but also, if I am honest, there are times that I am as close as I want to be...if that makes sense.

When thinking back to my born again / conversion experience, when weighed in light of truth and transparency, there is certainly some major differences in my walk with God now as opposed to the very beggining.

I remember the joy and peace of coming in contact with Jesus, and the flood of love when recieving the Holy Ghost....on fire and ready to proclaim Him. Of course, as time went on, the simplicity of my salvation became muddied through an ever growing list of requirements that became absolute to keep my salvation in tact. In fact, after several years, I remember looking at my wife and making the statement that I was unsure if we would ever be good enough or do enough to be saved at the end of our lives.

Sadly, this perception still taints my walk today, we have seen and been through our share of heartache, betrayal, and pain - coupled with the fact that I personally have tried to win very close family to the Lord and by the standards I was taught, failed. They died without being baptized by emersion and without recieving the Holy Ghost..can you imagine the torment that carries?

I have never been a quiter, however, so I still press and have stayed OP in spite of a great deal of trials and tests, still, it has become harder and harder when I try to capture the awe and wonder and peace of the begginings of my salvation, mostly because the expectations and the list is ever growing...everytime I feel disciplined enough in one area...boom, here is something else.

I have found that for me personally, it oftentimes feels like I am just holding on, waiting for rapture or death and not really living in abundance of life...sometimes I question myself, other times the system. All in all it becomes confusing and cumbersome, especially when a person really desires to do right and live right, but never feels assured. I wonder how many others feel this way that have lived for God any significant amount of time?

There are times that it feels my relationships with my brothers and Sisters is measured by my ability to perform duties and responsibilities and not who I am as a person, a human being in need of God and compassion from His people. I feel like a stranger in my own Church. There is also a great sense of fear, this is rooted in the fact that any deviation from Services, tithe, etc., etc., will eventually result in being out of the will of God and end up in my eventual demise, as well as my wife and children.

As a man it is especially hard since I take my duties as a Father and Husband VERY serious. Still it is hard to imagine living for God consists mostly of going to a Church a couple times a week, shouting, talking in tongues, etc. until the next week - no real meaningful relationships, just worship, then the occasional Fundraiser, maybe some outreach. At the end of the day it feels like a never ending cycle.

Sorry for the downer...just trying to keep it real...