Dealing with Cliques

[LadyChocolate]

Originally Posted by Sister Truth Seeker

Cliques something to fear...one more thing from my past...that is why we were not suppose to have friends too close, because someone might feel excluded...the funny thing is the biggest clique in the church was the "inner circle" those that were allowed into close relationships with ministry, even if you were not in the ministry....you were privy to all the best gossip and made to feel especially annointed....it was a select few...I made it in...woo hoo...I felt so good about that, thinking I must be more holy than those that didn't make the cut! Oh I have to pray for forgiveness on that one ................

that is way to scary for me.... I remember the first time I sat at my pastor's table and I heard the gossip about others.... at first, I thought I was one of the "few" but it wasn't long that I was soo disgusted by it because I realized that if they talked about others to me, they would talk about me to others.....and they did.... !

[Joseph Miller]

Originally Posted by seguidordejesus

Thanks. I remember him from way back in the early 90's when he used to run the sound at MS Youth Camps (I think). You seem familiar, too, although I can't remember if you were there or not. I was just a camper, so it's very doubtful you remember me

I ran sound with him at the MS camps. That may be why I look familiar. There is a few more pounds to me now...but it happens to the best of us. lol

Originally Posted by Sister Truth Seeker

Cliques something to fear...one more thing from my past...that is why we were not suppose to have friends too close, because someone might feel excluded...the funny thing is the biggest clique in the church was the "inner circle" those that were allowed into close relationships with ministry, even if you were not in the ministry....you were privy to all the best gossip and made to feel especially annointed....it was a select few...I made it in...woo hoo...I felt so good about that, thinking I must be more holy than those that didn't make the cut! Oh I have to pray for forgiveness on that one ................

That sounds a lot like my old church. Only there was no greater "annointing" on those on the "in" but rather, those were the only ones allowed to DO anything with the church! Want to teach? Want to start a ministry? Have to be on the "in" or it won't happen. Unless it is something that NO ONE wants to do...like rest home ministry or something.
Unfortunately for those on the "in" were the ones whose teens were out of control, the marriages were falling apart, etc. It was really sad. I was never so glad for not being "popular."

[Thad]

Originally Posted by Felicity

The word has a negative connotation usually, but I think cliques are a part of life and part of all social groups including churches. People naturally form closer relationships with some than they do others based on common interests, goals, beliefs, social strata, intellect, personality, etc. It's just the way it is and isn't necessarily bad or evil.

Jesus had an "inner circle". Most of us have our close friends that we enjoy spending time with and being with moreso than with others. Doesn't mean that we don't love or like other people and that we won't fellowship with them. It's just that you "click" with some people more than with others.

Good post. I too agree with what you said. you also form bonds with people you was raised with too and/or have been through many trials of life with. with church being our community, naturally it's going to form with in the church.
however, we are responsible to continue to reach out to new people and befriend them OR at least help them find their place in the body with people they can form friendships with whom they share commonalities.

[QueenEsther]

Originally Posted by Joseph Miller

I wanted to paste the email I sent to my pastor about this very subject and the response I received from him.

Hey Bro. Dobbs,
A few days ago a pastor asked me a question that I didn't really know how to answer. We were talking about church growth and things that go along with it. His church runs about 15 to 20 and he asked how we dealt with cliques in our church. I thought about it for a moment and then Trudy spoke up and said, "I don't think we have any." As I thought about it, I honestly can't think of one and I am not looking to find one. That pastor could not believe that a church our size wouldn't be full of cliques. He was suprised that we would say that we can't think of any in the church.

As we continued talking he asked me why I thought we didn't have any cliques. I told him that at one time there had been some cliques. It is a issue in most churches no matter the size from what I have seen. I really wasn't sure what to tell him about why we no longer had any. As I thought about it, it hit me, the reason we don't have cliques is not because our people are different than any other group of people, but rather because our people are doing things that most other groups of people aren't doing. Our men are leaders in prayer and worship. That is our rightful place. The divine order in which God set up is for the men to be the leaders and priest of their homes.

When the men become the heads and leaders in prayer and worship it starts to bring the other things into alignment with the Head (Christ) and as the body gets in proper alignment with the Head the all the kinks (cliques and such) start to work themselves out and unity begins to prevail. Where unity is there will be anointing. Where the anointing is yokes will be destroyed. Where yokes are being destroyed revival is automatic.

Maybe I have missed the entire concept, but I wanted to just share with you what I felt the other day and what I shared with a pastor friend as to why I don't think Word Alive has cliques in it. We are all one big family.

We love yall and are praying for yall.

God Bless,



Rev. Joseph T. Miller

http://www.revjosephtmiller.com


Now the response I received.
It is SO good to hear form you! I couldn't have explained it better than you did abou the unity of our church. I believe God revealed it to you. Cliques disappear when "Body Life" begins to take place. When Christ becomes the Head and the Pastor becomes the backbone and spinal column, instead of thinking HE is the head, then the body come into unity and healthy Christian Brotherhood ensues.


Dr. Mike Dobbs, Pastor


Word Alive Revival Center, Wiggins, MS
I know it is hard to imagine a church with out cliques, but it can happen when men begin to pray.

But Cliques aren't necessary a bad thing unless you absolutely will NOT talk or associate with anyone else.

[COOPER]

Originally Posted by Joseph Miller

Do you guys deal with Cliques in your church?


What you think?

Make it a sin to wear tap shoes!

[rebeccaavila]

My name is Rebecca and I am new to the group. I would like to humbly suggest that while the majority of people here seem to think that cliques in the church are natural and okay, and although in some instances they are innocent and natural, in many instances, the outsiders to that group would not agree with you.

Before we say, "What I am doing is fine," We need to thouroughly examine ourselves and ask the holy spirit whether or not we are really making a conscious effort to include others, and whether or not that effort is heartfelt.

I attend a church that I just love, but a lot of the other women are very cliquish and clannish and I am most definitely an outsider. They have their friends and seem to be content with their inner circle. They don't seem to need extra people in that group and do not attempt to bring others into it. In their defense, they are all very Godly women, and do not seem to be consciously aware that they are hurting others by their lack of acceptance and effort to include others in their social groups. They are just "used" to talking to certain people. The outsiders, in turn, do not seem to want to upset the apple cart, so these ladies are blissfully unaware that they are chasing people away from the church.

My point in saying this is that it is very easy as a part of that inner circle to say, "These are just my friends. What is wrong with that?" The truth is, that while your friendships are of course okay to have, does your lack of attention or true acknowledgement of newcommers make them feel unwanted? Will they stop attending church because we have made them to feel unaccepted by God, particularly in the case of people who have come to church broken and needy with emotional baggage and self-esteem issues, etc. People who truly need Jesus and a Christian friend?

I feel unwanted at my church, even though I love the pastors immensely. The cliquish ladies sometimes shake my hand and might even speak a word or two, but this is only an action. They don't seem to have any real desire of any sort to get to know me or make me feel like I am a part of the church. They are just shaking my hand to be cordial... and I know it. When we shake hands just to shake hands and do not really try to stretch our hearts ... people know it whether we say so or not.

Does your effort to outsiders go beyond cordiality? Do you make sure newcommers have someone to REALLY talk to? Someone to share struggles/encouragement with, or are they left alone to struggle because you are busy socializing with those in your circle?

Of course it is ok to have friends, but Jesus would want us to step away from what is good for us individually and make sure that everyone in the collective group is being encouraged, not just those we "click" with. If you don't attempt to get to know new people, how do you know they have nothing to offer and don't "click" with you?

I am not suggesting, of course, that anyone in this group is at fault, merely explaining what it feels like to be an outsider seeking God, and how I wish those in the inner circles of my church would view me as important enough to share with.

I will pray for this, but I want to encourage you all to examine whether we are doing what is right in Jesus's eyes or whether we are doing what is easier and more comfortable for ourselves.

With Christian Love and Prayer,

Rebecca.

[CC1]

Originally Posted by rebeccaavila

My name is Rebecca and I am new to the group. I would like to humbly suggest that while the majority of people here seem to think that cliques in the church are natural and okay, and although in some instances they are innocent and natural, in many instances, the outsiders to that group would not agree with you.

Before we say, "What I am doing is fine," We need to thouroughly examine ourselves and ask the holy spirit whether or not we are really making a conscious effort to include others, and whether or not that effort is heartfelt.

I attend a church that I just love, but a lot of the other women are very cliquish and clannish and I am most definitely an outsider. They have their friends and seem to be content with their inner circle. They don't seem to need extra people in that group and do not attempt to bring others into it. In their defense, they are all very Godly women, and do not seem to be consciously aware that they are hurting others by their lack of acceptance and effort to include others in their social groups. They are just "used" to talking to certain people. The outsiders, in turn, do not seem to want to upset the apple cart, so these ladies are blissfully unaware that they are chasing people away from the church.

My point in saying this is that it is very easy as a part of that inner circle to say, "These are just my friends. What is wrong with that?" The truth is, that while your friendships are of course okay to have, does your lack of attention or true acknowledgement of newcommers make them feel unwanted? Will they stop attending church because we have made them to feel unaccepted by God, particularly in the case of people who have come to church broken and needy with emotional baggage and self-esteem issues, etc. People who truly need Jesus and a Christian friend?

I feel unwanted at my church, even though I love the pastors immensely. The cliquish ladies sometimes shake my hand and might even speak a word or two, but this is only an action. They don't seem to have any real desire of any sort to get to know me or make me feel like I am a part of the church. They are just shaking my hand to be cordial... and I know it. When we shake hands just to shake hands and do not really try to stretch our hearts ... people know it whether we say so or not.

Does your effort to outsiders go beyond cordiality? Do you make sure newcommers have someone to REALLY talk to? Someone to share struggles/encouragement with, or are they left alone to struggle because you are busy socializing with those in your circle?

Of course it is ok to have friends, but Jesus would want us to step away from what is good for us individually and make sure that everyone in the collective group is being encouraged, not just those we "click" with. If you don't attempt to get to know new people, how do you know they have nothing to offer and don't "click" with you?

I am not suggesting, of course, that anyone in this group is at fault, merely explaining what it feels like to be an outsider seeking God, and how I wish those in the inner circles of my church would view me as important enough to share with.

I will pray for this, but I want to encourage you all to examine whether we are doing what is right in Jesus's eyes or whether we are doing what is easier and more comfortable for ourselves.

With Christian Love and Prayer,

Rebecca.

Welcome to AFF Rebecca. Excellent post. Very thought provoking. The beautiful thing about sharing this on AFF is that even if it does not help your individual situation you may be helping others because some AFF members will read what you wrote and examine their own life and see if they need to reach out beyond their comfort zone of friends and pull others in.

I am also praying that your situation changes for the better. Are you doing your part by getting involved in the activities the ladies ministry in your church have? That is usually a good way to get to know people better as they are in informal settings.