Thinking Things Through

[ludwig_v_m]

Originally Posted by jediwill83

Good post...Im kinda experiencing that now.

If you were talking to me with this, thanks. I'm a completely different person, really, than I was at that time. Though I have to wonder if I'm a different person or if I'm a person that is more honest than I was at that time. I won't give you any spiritual advice as I think that you'll have to work through things on your own. Not that advice isn't something you should seek but you should seek it from people who truly care for you and, frankly, know you.

I didn't have this luxury; or maybe wouldn't allow myself this luxury. I fought the fight all on my own - and that isn't a brag it merely is the fact. I didn't (still don't, honestly) trust people to have my best interest in their mind - and they often didn't - and that was difficult for me because I think you need mentors or help or something along the journey.

For better or worse, I no longer attend church in the traditional sense of the word. There are days when I believe and days when I don't.

I've spoken words to people (even recently), knowing that God was in them, but not really knowing the impact until days, sometimes weeks, later - and I'm not sure I understand why because I'm not a "good" Christian; nor understand why words I speak would have an affect on people.

I spend days thinking about life in general, my spirituality specifically (and about a lot of politics as well) and wondering about direction. The results of those thoughts are kept more secret than who killed Jimmy Hoffa. In fact, I've not spoken about them in years, really, except to my wife and kids. And, outside my family, only on the occasion when I feel chatty - which is maybe once a year.

I used to communicate all the time on FaithChildForum and NFCF - even started my own forum for a while. But, eventually, I realized that I was still seeking acceptance and direction from outside and needed to really become introspective in order to find direction.

Anyway, I digress... and hopefully you were talking to me... and I'll end by simply saying, I wouldn't trade this journey of mine for the world as I've become a better man for it.