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Well, I confess, I took a Klonapin before going, cause I like to cover my bases. To be honest, this isn't necessarily the church I would choose if I had more choices, but the fact is, I don't.
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I didn't take anything before going. I have stuff in my purse just in case. The normal service time is 9:00 so I showed up then, but my heart was racing. The sign said time was changed for Easter to 10:30. Drat! An hour and a half to wait. Ugh. Can I do it?? I went home. I actually relaxed and drove back, feeling more relaxed. It was so beautiful and sunny, that helped. I walked in and said as brief a hello to everyone as possible and said to myself "Start already! I can't stand this".
The preacher stood up and told the rules for communion. He may as well have thrown a monkey wrench into my brain. My brain sputtered and clunked. Finally I said to myself "Self, he is not excluding you, don't exclude yourself!". So, I went up and formed a small kneeling circle with the rest of my near pew-mates for communion. I felt God. Then, I downed the bread and poured the little cup into my mouth quickly to let other people in. Woah! What was THAT??? Hey, that was wine, people, bona-fide WINE. Or maybe non-alcoholic fizzy grape stuff. But it popped and fizzed and almost made me go "Boy, howdy, you people have some real stuff in that thar container!"
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I tried to explain to him, that there is something about standing in a room full of people, even if they are strangers who you will never talk to or ever see again, and knowing that you are all a part of something.
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See, that's the thing. After so many years, feeling banished from church, banished by God for having had been a religious addict and not seeing it, I felt like God gave me permission to go. I was praying one night and telling God, "So, is that it then? I am not allowed to be a part of a group who worships God because I became a religious addict and was horrible to so many people? Can I never be a part again?" And I felt like He said I could go. It felt so good to be in that communion circle, with people who believe in God and are just there to worship him together. (After I left I realized it never once occurred to me to judge them for being trinitarian.)
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I was really sick the last few weeks, and Josh was great, he was so there for me, and went above and beyond. But I realized that with most of my family and friends living 900 miles away, I didn't have anyone that I could call at 8PM and say "Please, I need you, can you come?"
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Are we sisters? I have been dog sick for about 2 weeks. My husband told me he didn't want to go and I told him I didn't want him there anyway. I'm serious. This isn't about him. This is about me needing to get some things straight about myself and work through my own issues. Maybe after I get myself all straightened out, we can worry about him. Anyway, he said he wasn't opposed to going down the road sometime. He probably wants to make sure I don't turn into some religious fanatic freak so he can hold back and balance me out if that happens. Anyway, I just want to quietly worship God with people who are not exclusive.
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Plus, I work alone all day, am alone with Avery all night, and only see Josh on the weekends, it kind of sucks!
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Yeah, seeing your husband only on weekends would be hard!
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