Originally Posted by votivesoul
Two steps forward, one step back.
I also had something occur that didn't "rock me to my core", or anything, but at the same time, has caused me to more closely examine what I believe and why, and I've come to realize there are now way more questions than answers.
Over the last couple of years, a lot of my time in prayer literally been something like this:
"I don't know, God, and I'm not sure what it is I don't know..."
The curve ball that came my way happened just over two years ago. I was at that point in a very traditional, mostly conservative UPCI Oneness church. To make a long story short, God revealed the future to me about something that was going to happen. I attempted to intervene believing the reason God showed me the future was so that it could be avoided by working together to come to terms and see eye to eye and all of that.
And at first, it was all going that way. It was such a relief to have the burden of my future taken off my shoulders. But then, in an instant, it all 180-ied on me and the very thing that was about to be avoided came true, just as God showed it to me, down to the very last detail.
This event has caused me to ponder at length and in-depth the idea of destiny and the nature of fore-telling prophecy. These ruminations naturally have bled into everything else. I'm still in the woods, so to speak, and haven't yet found my way out to a clearer picture of what is truth and what is not in this regard.
As said before, it didn't rock me or cause me to fall, but it has certainly changed the way I walk. As you said, much used to be cut and dried, black and white. But not anymore. Too many things have happened, I've finally learned how to listen to others as they tell their story and share their beliefs, and some of the very teachings of Christ in the Gospels have come alive in ways they never had before.
One thing I did, some time last year was this: It was about 3:00AM. I had just woken up for whatever reason, and couldn't get back to sleep, so I got up and began to pray, alone, in a pitch-black dark room. I just stood there, held my head in my hands, and feeling led to do so, urgently petitioned the Lord to remove from me every last ounce of human tradition and doctrines of men.
The time must have been orchestrated by God for such a prayer, because He immediately answered and the Holy Spirit came upon me, and moved within me, and caused me to travail and shake. It felt as if the hand of the Lord was in my brain pulling out everything He didn't want to be there. My attic sure got cleaned that night.
But now, I walk more circumspectly, a little less zealous to pack into my brain whatever I used to throw up there, if you will, as it pertains to Biblical doctrine. I am more cautious now to say the least. I think it's in the Epistle of James, where it is said the Word of the Lord is like a mirror showing us who and what we really are.
I am seeing some things about myself I just wasn't ready to see until now. Underlying issues and problems from my childhood, things suffered, and etc. and how those things affected me, even warped me in ways I never before knew.
It was like Jesus had to scrap all the muck and the mud and the tangled roots and weeds away so He could finally get down to the ground of my soul and begin His real work, if you know what I mean.
In the end, it is all for the best. Life sure has become a lot less certain; there aren't as many point A to point B paths for me to take now. But it is right and good that I find myself where I am at these days, as the journey of it all will eventually make me a better man, a better husband, a better father to my children, a better friend, a better brother, and a better Christian. So I say, "Yes, Lord. Here I am. Take me wherever you want me to go".
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