Re: You found your spouse looking at porn..again..
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Originally Posted by staysharp
This isn't going to do anything. Porns been around since cavemen could draw on rocks. He'll just find another venue. The real issue should be dealt with. A good Christian counselor can lead him through forgiveness and repentance and give him the resources to heal. There is a wonderful series "every mans battle" that can really help him. Furthermore, u can pray till your eyeballs pop out, but until he is rooted and grounded in love and understands forgiveness, he will continue to struggle. Men are evolutionally hard wired for sex. That's Gods way if keeping the human race propetuated. We just need to understand Gods boundaries and fall in love with Christ.
Re: You found your spouse looking at porn..again..
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Originally Posted by Pressing-On
It isn't as simple as that. I have a relative who submitted himself to a counselor. It's a very intensive process. He first of all had to answer questions while strapped to a lie detector. He agreed to do it.
His first exercise was to write down everything throughout the day that got his attention in such a way. They go on from there. I don't know any other details.
This counselor used to be a Dentist and had affair after affair after affair - until he was caught. Lawsuits, jail time, etc. His wife felt that God told her to stick by his side and He would bring them out. He was in jail for 10 years.
They now counsel couples. I am amazed at what God can do!!
Amazing grace of GOD only He can do this! After reading all the replies on this thread, and they all had good points, this one says it best as regards the wifes role in this issue, and it is commendable to find such a woman whose value is far beyond rubies!!
Unfortuneately, the majority of 'todays' women find it far more beneficial to using 'his' problem to obtain a divorce based on adultery, I know of one such woman whom 'used' this to gain her freedom, only to immediately thereafter marry someone else she had already in 'her' mind fantasized about., she is no less guilty IMO., and while not everyone made that connection right away, GOD already knew., one cannot hide from Him, as He will not be mocked;
it is amazing what people will use to justify themselves before people to make themselves LOOK better, or to feed their ego's as they seek to elevate themselves in positions lusted after by themselves, unfortuneately, even within chuch leadership areas.
Porn is inherently NOT a good thing, its consequences are often far-reaching, and hurtful to innocent parties, even long after the act; AND making someone pay for this sin, only extends/worsens the sin. IMHO, forgiveness and understanding go farther to restore a marriage, and give honor to GOD, than does simply walking away to greener pastures., we would do better to focus on whom is the real culprit (satan) and seek to destroy his plans however necessary, than to feed them by playing along by reacting carnally, and seeking 'worldly' remedies for some kind of self-'satisfaction'., NO! I say to forgive/forget and restore is GOD's best remedy!
__________________ You can tell more about people
by what they say about others...than by what others
say about them.
Re: You found your spouse looking at porn..again..
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Originally Posted by simplyme
Amazing grace of GOD only He can do this! After reading all the replies on this thread, and they all had good points, this one says it best as regards the wifes role in this issue, and it is commendable to find such a woman whose value is far beyond rubies!!
Unfortuneately, the majority of 'todays' women find it far more beneficial to using 'his' problem to obtain a divorce based on adultery, I know of one such woman whom 'used' this to gain her freedom, only to immediately thereafter marry someone else she had already in 'her' mind fantasized about., she is no less guilty IMO., and while not everyone made that connection right away, GOD already knew., one cannot hide from Him, as He will not be mocked;
it is amazing what people will use to justify themselves before people to make themselves LOOK better, or to feed their ego's as they seek to elevate themselves in positions lusted after by themselves, unfortuneately, even within chuch leadership areas.
Porn is inherently NOT a good thing, its consequences are often far-reaching, and hurtful to innocent parties, even long after the act; AND making someone pay for this sin, only extends/worsens the sin. IMHO, forgiveness and understanding go farther to restore a marriage, and give honor to GOD, than does simply walking away to greener pastures., we would do better to focus on whom is the real culprit (satan) and seek to destroy his plans however necessary, than to feed them by playing along by reacting carnally, and seeking 'worldly' remedies for some kind of self-'satisfaction'., NO! I say to forgive/forget and restore is GOD's best remedy!
You know, if my husband was involved in porn, I can honestly say that I would stand by his side and try to help him. I know I would go through the normal - accusing, making ugly comments, asking for forgiveness and starting over again, but I would try to help him. It wouldn't be easy, but I can honestly say, I would try.
Re: You found your spouse looking at porn..again..
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Originally Posted by Its All GODs
Matthew 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
This sin is to be traced and condemned in its origin, a lack of chastity of mind and soul.
Jesus legislates against the thought which lies behind the act. He cuts off sin at its lowest root. The essence of all vice is intention. Those who indulge in unchaste imaginations, desires and intentions are guilty before God
(2Peter 2:14 Having eyes full of adultery, and that cannot cease from sin; beguiling unstable souls: an heart they have exercised with covetous practices; cursed children.
James 1:15 Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.
1John 2:16 For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.
Proverbs 6:27 Can a man take fire in his bosom, and his clothes not be burned?
Adultery, lust extends not only to unchaste actions and words, but even to looks and the very thoughts of the heart; for whosoever shall gaze on a woman to lust after her, and thus cherish and indulge the secret workings of irregular desire in his mind, has already committed that adultery with her in his heart which this commandment was designed to forbid, and thereby rendered himself; in the sight of God, guilty of the breach of it. – Phillip Doddridge
You shall not carnally lie with a woman that is not your wife; but there is a great deal more in it than so, for he that but secretly in his heart desireth such a thing, or taketh pleasure in such thoughts, and casts his eyes upon a woman in order to such a thing, is in the sight of God an adulterer. Hence we read of eyes full of adultery, to avoid which Job made a covenant with his eyes, Job 31:1, and would not suffer his heart to walk after his eyes, Job 31:7. We must so interpret the commandments of God, as not to extend them only to forbid or command those acts which are plainly mentioned in them, but the inward pleasing of our hearts with such things as are forbidden, the desires of our hearts after them, or whatsoever is a probable means to give us that sinful pleasure of our thoughts, or further inflame such unlawful desires in our souls. - Matthew Poole
I think we have to be a little careful here. This might shock some, but I don't think a sexual thought about someone who isn't your wife is automatically a "sin". Let me explain why. Before many are married they are absolutely crazy about each other. They can't get each other off their minds. Yes, they often have very passionate thoughts about each other. No doubt they look at each other and "day dream" about being intimate. They fill each others minds night and day. They aren't married yet...is it a sin? I don't think so. Because Jesus said, ...
Matthew 5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
Intense sexual desire for or attraction to someone you're not married to isn't automatically "lust". Frankly, that's normal. If it wasn't...few would marry because a big part of marriage is fulfillment of sexual needs. Those needs and interest normally exist well before two are married.
Now if a man looks at a woman with the intent to fulfill their desires outside of marriage, without any regard to God's law and her welfare, with the sole intent of using her as an object to fulfill his baser instincts...he'd be looking at her "to lust after her" and thereby would be committing adultery in his heart.
My only point is that sexual interests outside of marriage are not automatically adultery. Intent of the heart is something that has to be considered. An attractive coworker, model, or young lady walking down the street might catch a man's eye and he have some sexual thought or interest about her, but if he isn't looking at her with any intent to actually pursue...he's not sinned. It's normal. He's a man. I fear that sometimes we keep men living under constant condemnation for normal things that just come along with being a man.
Re: You found your spouse looking at porn..again..
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Originally Posted by *AQuietPlace*
I'm not sure how I feel about whether or not porn is fornication, but I know it's extremely destructive and needs to be dealt with. I've had friends whose lives were extremely negatively impacted because of porn.
Amen. In my opinion porn's greatest damage is done in the trust department. Because in most cases the guilty party lies about it and hides it. I think that the lies and the behind the back activity is worse than if they were just upfront by sitting down with their spouse for a heart to heart over coffee saying, "Honey, I love you with all my heart and you know I'd never purposefully do anything to hurt you. Right now I'm having a problem. I find it difficult to resist the temptation to look at pornography. It's like I can't stop even though I want to. I hate it after I do it but when the need arises it's like I can't resist." Most of the time something like this can be worked through with both partners having respect and understanding for each other... as long as no one looses their cool. Marriage takes a lot of patience, respect, understanding, and grace.
Wives especially need to understand that if their husband struggles here it's not because their husbands don't love them. Nor is it automatically because they aren't fulfilling their husband's SEXUAL needs. Sometimes that's true....but most of the time it isn't. Most of the time it's one of those complicated things about men that even most of us men don't understand completely.
Right now I'm just typing off the top of my head from a male perspective. I don't think that just because a man looks at pornography that he's automatically lusting after other women. If a man is lusting after other women.... he'll typically pursue other women. Porn will not fulfill that lust. I see porn much like alcohol. It's a psychological drug of sorts. It helps a man detach from his reality. If a man has deep emotional hurts it's not uncommon for that pain to manifest in the strangest places. Men are very visual and sexual creatures. For men issues tend to manifest in their sexual behaviors or drinking. I knew a man who began to struggle with porn after his mother died. I know a man who struggled with porn because he wasn't emotionally fulfilled. His wife was meeting his sexual needs, in fact he assured me she was a wonderful mother and lover. But here's the deal... she wasn't very affectionate. I know it sounds stupid but he spent 12 years hugging her, holding her, and caressing her. He was needing to be held, hugged, and caressed for once.
There are a million reasons as to why a man might find himself engaging in pornography other than lust.
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I wouldn't just ignore the situation, I'd do something.
I think that there's little someone can do in this situation. It's like if a spouse chooses to start smoking. What can you do? All you can do is determine how you're going to allow their behavior to effect you and tell them how you feel about it. I don't think it's constructive to try to control a spouse. They are still sovereign adults. Hopefully the offending spouse can realize how much they are hurting their offended spouse and stop smoking, drinking, or looking at porn. But if they choose not to, what do you do? The most you can do is realize that you're in this for better or for worse. People's lives go through seasons. A spouse has to determine how to weather this storm in their partner's life.
I'm getting skeptical about counseling, even "Christian counseling". I think that in most cases what's really needed is a deep, good, ol' fashioned repentance. Until the offending partner actually "repents" all you can do is give them space and pray for them.
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