I'm sure that there are plenty here who will give advice. I'm sure that some will be good and some will be bad. Personally, I just feel led to pray for you now. Your sincerity and desire for real answers are so obvious in your post. I just feel led to pray that God Himself will speak to you in a real way. At this point I don't think anything less would suffice for you, nor do I think that you should have to settle for anything less.
God Bless,
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There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Houston.
Either the United States will destroy ignorance, or ignorance will destroy the United States. – W.E.B. DuBois