Ministries for women porn addicts

[DaveC519]

Originally Posted by Aquila

Bro. Dave,

We are individual beings with individual needs. Sadly I think that when couples marry they fall under the illusion that they don’t have individual needs any longer. This often leads to neglect. One problem many marriages face is that as years pass… one of their needs isn’t being met be it physical, emotional, psychological, or spiritual. Often people feel “absorbed” by their spouse and discover after years of marriage they’ve never developed into who they were supposed to be. Marriage is a little complicated because you have two people with individual needs in a relationship that also demands a shared experience. The individual needs don’t vanish just because of marriage.

LOL Hmmm... how old are you, young man? If your pic is recent, you look about the age of one of my sons. And you've been married for how long? And you've counseled with married couples for how long?

I've been married for 27 years. And having spent the last several years in pastoral ministry counseling married couples, would you be interested in knowing what I've gleaned as the #1 problem facing marriage? That would be "individual needs" being asserted over "couple needs". It always boils down to that- always.

There's a reason Scripture says that "two become one". Once two individuals become married, the two should grow together, not separately. Yes, individuals in marriage change over time, but the two should change together, and with the same focus in mind. This is especially true in Christian marriage. Marriage is a ministry. "How may I best serve my partner?", not "how can s/he best meet MY needs?", and if the needs aren't met to my satisfaction, then I have the RIGHT to see that they're met some other way, including meeting them myself.

The subject here is primarily physical needs. I’ve known couples who due to schedule, sickness, work, military deployment, or just lack of shared degree of interest who couldn’t meet each others needs all the time. Marriage is also about “respect”, “trust”, “acceptance”, and “openness”. Let’s assume that for whatever reason, I can’t meet all my wife’s needs. I don’t want her to go without that need being met. I certainly don’t want her living with an unmet need that opens the door to temptation from another. I would almost encourage her to take care of her needs on occasion. My only request is that she thinks about us on those occasions. I believe that the mutual respect, trust, acceptance, and openness do more to strengthen the marriage than an expectation that we be all things to each other all the time.

I think the unstated premise in your statements above is that individuals in a marriage have a right to sexual gratification. I don't believe Scripture teaches this. It does, however, outline some very specific parameters wherein sexual desire can be addressed, and that is within the marriage bond. Again, the focus is on the word marriage, which is a mutually shared experience.

Absence from a spouse does not give the other the right to seek self gratification. And...if one is not able to meet the others needs, then some form of counseling is in order, not self gratification, because there's a lot more going on besides one partner being left unsatisfied in sexual intimacy. If one partner is no longer attracted to the other, then why? This must be explored rather than masking over the root cause.

But I do see your point. There has to be balance. Both cannot strictly focus on their own individual needs all the time. I believe that a couple should “focus” on needs being met in a way that is shared. I’m just saying that I do accept that there were be occasions and circumstances when their individual needs may need to be met individually.

I agree that couples should focus on meeting needs in a shared way. If this cannot be done, and one partner is feeling overwhelmed by their impulses, then a time of prayer and fasting is needed. If we heed Paul's admonishment that we are not to be brought under the power of anything (except the Lord), then why are we yielding to the temptation of the flesh? This is not only unnecessary, but prohibitive to living and walking in the Spirit.

Single people have needs and should be expected to responsibly tend to those needs until marriage. In today’s world our society expects a person to marry after college. That means they are in their mid twenties on average. In biblical times, it wasn’t uncommon to be married at 15 or 16 years of age. While the demands of our society have increased in such a way as to warrant waiting…human biology and the normal human needs that develop remain the same. I don’t expect a single person to wait until they are in their mid twenties before having their needs met. I expect, and would even encourage that they meet those needs themselves and assure them that they are perfectly normal and loved by God.

Hmmm... I'm trying to think of a euphemism for "HOGWASH!". My friend, what you've written reflects the expectation of society, but not of Scripture. Again, the unstated premise here is that individuals have a right to sexual gratification. Simply because they have the capacity for it does not mean God grants them the right to it. There is only one area in which God sanctions this: within the marriage bond as a shared experience. Outside of the marriage bond, God calls for chastity.

Paul said something interesting. Paul wrote…

I Corinthians 7:8
{7:8} I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is
good for them if they abide even as I. {7:9} But if they
cannot contain, let them marry:

Notice Paul is addressing the unmarried and widows. Here Paul states that it is good if they remain celibate as he is. However, Paul then says, “But if they cannot contain…”. What does that mean? Certainly Paul isn’t talking about fornication. That would bring swift condemnation from the Apostle and a demand for repentance. Obviously these unmarried and widowed individuals were unable to “contain” in a manner that was simply in regards to their physical needs. Paul doesn’t condemn them, demand repentance, tell them they’ve sinned, warn that they’ll go blind, admonish that they pray when they feel that they can’t contain, or that they listen to Christian music when they feel they can’t contain, nor does he tell them to write their needs on a balloon and pop it. Nope. Paul offers no condemnation. In fact, his language is such that one walks away realizing that Paul understands that they have needs that can’t be contained. Paul’s advice is that they marry. When a single person has needs that they can’t contain it’s essentially a sign that they are meant for marriage. They should begin praying and looking for a spouse.

I'm not sure how you concluded there was no condemnation in this passage. Paul is specifically contrasting himself (an individual with self control- one who has not given himself over to "burning with passion"- with those who have given themselves over to this. For the latter, it is better for them to marry. But why? Because it is within marriage one finds the proper expression of sexual desire. What Paul did NOT say was that it was okay for those who "burned with passion" to find expression through self gratification. He deliberately points them to the marriage bond.

Maybe I’m too liberal on this one. I just think that some things are a natural part of being a human being

Oh, I agree that it is a "natural" part of human nature to want to satisfy our own lusts. But, then again, human nature is fallen and sinful. When we become born again, and acquire a new, spiritual nature, then our desire should be how we may please the Lord, not ourselves. And if an individual is married, then their desire is also toward their spouse, but not themselves.

and we do well not to attach unwarranted guilt and shame to such things.

My friend, I did not intend for my responses to come across as polemical, but I'm taken aback by statements like this. If this line of thinking is being taught in the churches, then it's small wonder why there is no power anymore.

True holiness is when a man's heart has been conquered by the Holy Ghost, when his passions and lusts are laid low, and he is completely yielded to the moving of God's Spirit in his life. This is the type of revival we should be seeking God for- a revival of holiness of the heart. When that takes place, then we will see the power return.

This thread is about addiction to pornography. This type of addiction is an outward symptom of an inward problem- indulging the lusts of self. But we do have hope. Paul points us to the cure for this:

"This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh." (Gal 5:16)