Just Some Things I've Been Holding In

[The Matt]

Sorry I haven't been around, I've just lost my taste for arguing my point and being disproven, being told I'm wrong about everything I believe and think. I just have feelings that I need to put out to other people, that's going to destroy me if I keep holding them in. I live every day of my life with the thought, maybe tomorrow will be better. But it's getting harder and harder to fool myself. That thought comes true maybe 3 days a year. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. Misery is a rough bed fellow. It's like...I think to myself, "ok maybe if I do this I'll feel better" And then I try something, and I don't feel better. My family, I can tell, get frustrated with me. It's not like I don't have support, I have family that loves me very much. But they want me to talk to them, to tell them what's wrong, to tell them what they can do for me. But I just don't know. I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't been to church in a week, I just don't have the want to or the courage to face Holy Ghost filled people in the condition I'm in. I've slipped in the past few weeks, and did a few drugs to try to drown out the pain. It makes me sick that I was weak, but when they were in my face, the temptation to feel better for a few hours was just too much. I've been feeling anger lately that I haven't felt in years. I called my brother in law, and told him I hurt my back at work, and made the comment that a pain pill would be nice right now. He turned around and told my sister that I asked him for pain pills, and she called me chewing me out. I tried to explain to her that I was just saying IT WOULD BE NICE, which is what I meant, then she put him back on the phone, and he started saying I was calling him a liar, and saying he was going to come to my house and, using a nicer word than he said, kick my butt. I exploded, started seeing black, cursed him out, and ended the call begging him to show up, the last thing I told him is he better bring a bat or a gun, because if he stepped on my property I was going to break his kneecaps. I lost the trust and respect that my sister has gotten for me over the past seven months, because of a misunderstanding. I can't expect an instant medical miracle from my doctor, we've been trying to get my medicine right since 2008. It's just a vicious cycle, medication after medication after medication. I just want peace, I want happiness, I want to feel like a normal functioning human being. I want a reason to get up in the morning other than because I can't sleep anymore. Anytime I talk to one of my brothers and sisters from church, or my pastor, I either get "Just pray. God knows." or "Read the bible, there's answers in there" When I pray, God doesn't answer. All I hear are my own thoughts, or things I've learned from church. And when I read the bible all I see are things that point to me going to hell when I die. I don't understand, is this just a lifelong trial? There has to be happiness somewhere, true happiness that lasts more than a few hours, or a day. There are just so many things going wrong. The job I'm working, doesn't pay my bills. If I take into consideration the things in my house that are paid for by my aunt and uncle, and the groceries they help me out with, I'm over 200 dollars behind every paycheck. And then once my car gets fixed, I'll have to pay car insurance. I'm stressed out to the max over that. When I come home from my job, I don't even have the energy or the strength to take a shower. I just collapse on my couch and pass out. I'm getting really worried about my physical health too, I've been having chest pain around where my heart is. And my energy is just sapped lately, by the time 4 hours of my 8 hour shift is up, I'm dragging and pushing myself as hard as I can, by 5 or 6 hours I'm just on autopilot. I'm so very lonely. The brothers at church mostly have families, and are busy with that. I've tried a dating site to meet women, and in four months I've gotten one girl to have an ongoing conversation with me, and she's not interested in a relationship with me. But to be honest, I'm scared to death of putting a woman through the trouble of dealing with me. I hate who I am. I try to be as nice as I can be to people. I always have a smile on. People even tell me I make them happy, because they can count on me to have a smile and a handshake. But that smile is masking a dark, self loathing, miserable person. And this isn't just a mood I'm in. This is every day life for me. It's not am I depressed today or am I happy today. It's am I depressed today, really depressed today, or extremely depressed today. Today is extremely. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I can't see myself living the rest of my life like this. The thought of being like this one more day makes me want to break down. My mom understood, and she used to be able to talk to me, and make me feel better for at least a while. She always had answers to things I couldn't figure out. But now she's gone. And I don't know how to deal with it. I'm bottling it up. I'm bottling everything up. I can't let other people see what I really am. Well, if you made it this far, thanks for "listening". I don't need any suggestions on what medication I should or shouldn't be on. And I swear if one more person tells me to pray about it, I'm going to put my fist through a wall. I just needed to get these feelings out. I don't feel any better now, but hopefully now my mind will stop swirling.