Originally Posted by Michlow
You would think that would be an easy question to answer...
But the true answer is found somewhere between yes and no. What I recall is that I eventually reached a place where my feelings towards God were so very negative. I thought he was a mean capricious bully who tortured us for His own amusement. And one day I realized that I had a choice. Either God was really truly like that, in which case I wanted nothing to do with Him (let alone "love" Him!).. OR everything I thought I knew was wrong.
It's not like I just shrugged my shoulders and walked away. I had been obsessed with going to hell for 8 years, that doesn't just dissipate overnight. But I found that when your very foundation is skewed, the only way to rebuild is to demolish and start from scratch.
So I went through a time I called my deconstructed, where I took apart everything I ever believed. Everything that I questioned, doubted, or had been used to harm me, I put in the discard pile. I became extremely mistrustful of all things Christian. Church, any kind of ministry, other Christians, the Bible, but more than anything myself. I had zero trust in my own ability to discern anything.
Can you imagine what that feels like? Desperately wanting spiritual answers, but not trusting ANY of the sources you previously got them from?
Yes, I read and studied the Bible. Yes, I sought wise counsel. Yes I prayed, and tried, and cried my little heart out.
In the end, I retained only a belief that there is a God, and a fervent hope that His name is Jesus. For in the Character of Jesus, I see divinity. I see someone that I can love, respect and admire. I can't say the same for the OT God. The God who committed genocide, and approved of sexism and slavery among other things. Which leaves me believing that either the Bible must not be a reliable witness as to the things of God, or I come full circle and must accept that God is a monster.
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