but really, who are we kidding? You do not want to hear the questions; and you are scared to death of the answers, as you have already shown.
Just so you know, i am aware that it is your dogma talking, and i don't even judge you for this; we are just talking, theory, and this may not reflect your practice at all. I may come across like i know something--but i can't even hug people
For a reader's sake, i will suggest to you that if you assume you are lost, instead of saved, you will do much better than those who assume they are saved but are lost. Just that one, simple thing. If it seems like an insurmountable step to you, examine why, and get rid of that part--it is your ego, which can brook no dissension.