An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol
officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn
you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could
be dangerous." "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband
repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is
wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to
animals, so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get
home." True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband
about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately."Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
A cop stops this lady for speeding, as he approaches she unbuttons the top two buttons of her blouse, fluffs her hair and says seductively, "Officer, you wouldn't give a ticket to a beautiful young lady would you?"
The cop says, "No ma'am I would not..... here's your ticket."
This man goes to the doc and is told, "I have bad news, and good news. The bad news is, You will need a brain transplant or you will die. The good news is, I have three brains available for you to choose from.
The first is the brain of a doctor, it is $10,000
The second is the brain of a lawyer, it is $25,000
The third is the brain of a Internet forum administrator, it is $40,000,000
"Why Doc." the man says. "I understand that a doctors brain is very educated and may be worth 10 grand, and well, a lawyer is a sharp mind and a quick thinker as well as educated, so I can see it going for 25 grand. But why on earth is the forum administrators brain so expensive?"
The Doc replies, "Because that's the most valuable of them all, that ones never been used!"
Disclaimer........................................ .............................This is a joke. It is only a joke. NO CATS WERE ACTUALLY HURT IN THE WRITING OF THIS POST.
How To Give Your Cat A Pill...
..
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as
though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to his cheeks.
When cat opens up, pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close mouth
and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the
process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open, and push pill to
back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10,
if you are able. Hold cat's mouth closed as well.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call for assistance.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing
front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one
hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat. Flick pill down
ruler with forefinger, and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from living-room curtain valance.
8. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth, and set aside
for later gluing. Remove third pill from foil wrap.
9. Wrap cat in beach towel, and ask assistant to lie prone on cat
with cat's head visible under assistant's armpit. Put pill in end of
paper tube you've made for this purpose. Then, force cat's mouth
open with pencil, and blow.
10. Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water
to take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant's forearm, and
remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water.
11. Retrieve cat from neighbor's roof. Remove fourth pill from foil.
Place cat in cupboard, and close door on cat's neck and head outside
cupboard. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat
with rubber band.
12. Fetch screwdriver from garage, and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date
of last tetanus shot. Throw bloodied, ripped T-shirt away, and fetch
another from bedroom.
13. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat.
14. Call 911, ask fire department to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree.
15. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap.
16. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine, and securely
tie to leg of dining table. Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves. Force cat's
mouth open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in one ounce of
raw hamburger, into cat's mouth. Hold head vertically with nose pointed
to ceiling, and pour one-half pint of water down cat's throat.
17. Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while
doctor administers anesthetic, stitches fingers, forearm, and removes
pill remnants from eye.
18. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter,
and adopt a goldfish.
Author Unknown
__________________
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.
This man goes to the doc and is told, "I have bad news, and good news. The bad news is, You will need a brain transplant or you will die. The good news is, I have three brains available for you to choose from.
The first is the brain of a doctor, it is $10,000
The second is the brain of a lawyer, it is $25,000
The third is the brain of a Internet forum administrator, it is $40,000,000
"Why Doc." the man says. "I understand that a doctors brain is very educated and may be worth 10 grand, and well, a lawyer is a sharp mind and a quick thinker as well as educated, so I can see it going for 25 grand. But why on earth is the forum administrators brain so expensive?"
The Doc replies, "Because that's the most valuable of them all, that ones never been used!"
Now if that doesn't get a laugh out of Irreligious, nothing will! LOL
__________________
"Resolved: That all men should live to the glory of God. Resolved, secondly: That whether or not anyone else does, I will." ~Jonathan Edwards
"The only man who has the right to say he is justified by grace alone is the man who has left all to follow Christ." ~Dietrich Bonheoffer, The Cost of Discipleship
"Preachers who should be fishing for men are now too often fishing for compliments from men." ~Leonard Ravenhill
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